I fell into a FOG

[twojaybirds]

I fell into a FOG and threw [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] out the window but it is OK I am human too.

On Friday, DD19 had planned to come over Saturday night... .  church Sunday then out for a Mother's Day lunch

Saturday at 9:30pm the text to cancel the over night

Then at 11:30 pm the text to cancel all day Sunday.  I responded "OK Have a fun day"

So my bf and I left to go to lunch and antiquing about 40 minutes away

Her texts began about being together on Mother’s Day.  They were somewhat angry and she was hungry etc.

GUILT: not being with her on Mother's Day I decided we would go get her and leave where we were

We found  her angry in a parking lot wanting groceries and tampons as the blood ran down her legs

OBLIGATION: I went into Traders Joes for me and my bf offered to take her into the grocery store to buy her groceries and tampons and anything else.  She denied him saying it would be too weird.  He offered to give her money and she would wait outside.  She said no and threw a parking lot fit.

FEAR:  We left her on the curb mumbling about mass murders but I gave her a book of bus fare tickets so she could get home and not be stranded two towns away and could get to work the next day


Monday she calls and wants to come and take a shower.  I give her a time span and she arrives at the tail end.  She walks past me at the door and starts eating food out of the refrig.  NOT OK I tell her.  It is not her house and she needs to ask permission.  She puts the food back and takes a shower.  She starts complaining how she is working two jobs, has no food, a deadbeat boyfriend etc.

No [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]Validation[/b][/url].  I calmly explaining how she puts herself into these positions; how she denied  a food shop by my bf  how she is lucky I let her in the house after yelling at me on Sunday and saying how I was dick-whipped.  I then also explained being disrespectful after changing my plans to be with her, reminding her how my bf offered to help find her a car etc.  She left in tears but calm.

Then the text about an hour later telling me to leave her alone and she wants nothing from me or my bf.

Then the midnight pane calls.  I answered  only the first one.  She was complaining about her boyfriend and wanted him out of the apartment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eclaire5]

What a difficult Mother's Day you had  :'( Of course when things like that happen we get into a FOG and is difficult to get out of it. We are humans and not living saints, so we cannot be validating 24/7. You are offering help and at the same time setting limits with her, so I think you are doing the right thing. She is an adult, so even though she has a mentla health condition, she still needs to take some responsibility, you cannot take it for her all the time.

[jellibeans]

I don't even know what to say... .  stunned! I think on mother's day you can throw the validation out... .  you get one day a year... .  has she called again? Hopefully you can get toa better place... .  I think given the circumstances I would be tempted to point out the very same things you did to her.

I always think tomorrow is another day to get it right... .  but I am not sure there really is a right when dealing with BPD... .  don't be hard on yourself... .  that is the important thing... .  we are all trying to do the best we can... .  

[js friend]

We all have days like that Tjb  

It is hard to validate when our own nerves are frayed and we cant seem to do anything right.Ive had those blowouts with my dd too.Not as many as we used to have but still the occasional ones.Being a straight talker myself, sometimes I just wanna tell my dd the real truth of how i see things and how she makes me feel

Dont be too hard on yourself. We are only human after all.  

[vivekananda]

I stuffed up too. Last time I met with dd, the week before. It wasn't FOG so much as just a disaster and lack of being grounded myself, I was thinking about what I wanted to achieve.

But to let us off the hook, I don't know if I could have make it better anyway. I think dd was on a roll herself.

but I tried, you tried and we learn from our mistakes. Ever onwards and upwards eh?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[sam-99]

I know... .  when we have these situations, there may be some things we could have said a bit different... .  but then it may not even have mattered.  And sometimes when boundaries are crossed one cannot just let it go.  It has to be mentioned... .  although calmly... .  but still with the same effect... .  onward indeed... .  

[twojaybirds]

Well, things just keep getting worse here. 

She is working two jobs in two different towns with an apartment in a third town and me in a fourth.

She is commuting via bus

SHe won"t go to her apartment because her abusive boyfriend won"t leave but he has the key( she is not allowed one) yet the lease is in her name and she is paying all the  bills.

She won"t sign the paperwork to have him evicted... . won"t go to the mamgement office to get him out.  She has refused help from me and my bf to to get this done.

She is  hungry and except for when I bend she has no food and has been sleeping on the streets mostly. 

I let her sleep over Thursday night.

Friday was a mess and my bf and I got sucked in quickly and we were driving around with her till 1:00 in the morning she was going to stay here then there and all over.

Saturday night she had about 3 hours sleep on the streets... . life guarded all day (starting at 5:30am) at a YMCA as one of her jobs... .  then her texts began. I went and got her... . bought her a Subway   (her favorite) for dinner now at 8:30pm and a second sandwich for her lunch.  SHe lefft... . texted... . threatenend me with staying at Brothells... . rang the bell... . grabbed clothes ... . left... .  texted untill finally she spent the night making her decision about 10:30 pm.

All she wants is a car.  I am almost tempted to throw her $1,000 as an early christmas gift so she will buy one then have a place to sleep anyways.

I know that may be a tad enabling but she is wearing me down.

HELP  I am tired.

[jellibeans]

twojaybirds... .  I am exhausted just reading your post... .  and I am sure you didn't even include all the details! I wish I knew what to tell you... .  seems you are in a difficult situation with your dd.

I have this quote beside my computer... .  I don't remember who posted... .  maybe lbj

It is not within my power to orchestrate the outcome... .  

I can only try to create opportunities... .  

seems to me providing her with a car will give you some peace of mind and help with the constant worry... .  not sure that is the right thing to do but you are creating an opportunity for her... .  and since she has three jobs she certainly could use the transportation... .  I will be thinking of you... .  

[vivekananda]

exhausted, when that happens we don't always think straight... . I hope you get a break soon.

The core to the problem is the boyfriend in the apartment with her name on the lease. Buying a car won't solve that problem.

This sounds like one of those 'learning' opportunities. One where you don't tell your dd what to do, but gently ask her what she can do etc. Where you validate her feelings and ask her what she can do to help herself feel better - that sort of thing. Lundberg talks about how to do it really well in the book "I don't have to make everything all better".

Is it possible that you could do that sort of thing?

cheers,

Vivek    

[twojaybirds]

 I have the Lundberg book and have not told her anything... .

she finally asked today... . "will you help me move out today.  I cant be with him anymore  SO that is tonight's unexpected plan... . to move her somewhere... .

THen she will have to break the lease etc on her own.  I'll let you know how that goes

[vivekananda]

good luck with it all.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders