Reconciling didn't work for me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been going to Co Da meetings, working on myself and staying away.

I  finally made a sincere and open amends to my exh and he cried.

We had seen each other a few times... .  testing whether or not we really wanted to divorce.

Our r/s had been improved- no super highs or lows, no fights. We "dated" a bit... .  ate lunch, dinner together, spent time together.

We lived, and still live in different cities.

Suddenly he wanted to reconcile... .  he told his L. to hold the divorce.

He went back and forth 2-3 times. Yes... . No... .  yes... .  No.

I waited. Stayed on my own path.

(D is still imminent.)

Then... .  he wobbled... .  once the support money was transferred from him to me.

He waffled. He controlled (tried to) he began to subtly attack me, to blame, avoid, create more distance.

I stayed on my path. Didn't engage in his battles. Didn't feel badly when he went off the emotional deep end.

He jumped. (he's *done*, we're through, Not meant to be... .  sound familiar?)

I wasn't pushing him, although in the past I probably had-with my behaviors. I can admit to that.

Even with [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], SET and space apart the disorder rears it's ugly head. I don't feel surprised.

You may ask... . Why bother? I bothered because I didn't want the divorce in the first place.

I honor the sanctity of marriage, and I felt like a trial run was in order to see if it was at all salvageable.

Especially since I had begun the process of working on myself.

I value and trust him as a person... .  but as a partner he fails in emotional support. He's not able to give me what I need to feel safe, secure and cherished in the marriage. He values me for what I can do for him.

So... .  D still imminent. and I am OK with that.  

I still love him. But I don't feel the longing/clinging attachment that I had in the past. I don't need him.

That's a very liberating feeling.

I am no longer at the mercy of my emotional ties to him. His push/pull doesn't tug at my heartstrings like it used to.

I no longer feel like his puppet.

I guess for me detachment is Love without Need... .  Without the need to control, need to know, need to understand why, need to *be needed*. It's a stable, serene place to view the world from.

I hope he one day finds that place in his mind that affords him balance, security and safety.

I can't *give* that to him. He has to get there himself.

thanks for reading,

GL

PS.

Wanted to add that just last week he *couldn't live without me!* and he loved me

That over the top mushy stuff was totally new and quite unexpected from my exh.

However, this week when I didn't commit to visiting on the day he suggested but wanted to visit a day later... .  the meltdown.

He made rationalizations/excuses to justify his tirade. But I wasn't fighting!

He does realize it's in his mind -this war he's waging. But he's unable to call a truce.

In the end, the disorder Rules.

[gina louise]

I have been going to Co Da meetings, working on myself and staying away.

I  finally made a sincere and open amends to my exh and he cried.

We had seen each other a few times... .  testing whether or not we really wanted to divorce.

Our r/s had been improved- no super highs or lows, no fights. We "dated" a bit... .  ate lunch, dinner together, spent time together.

We lived, and still live in different cities.

Suddenly he wanted to reconcile... .  he told his L. to hold the divorce.

He went back and forth 2-3 times. Yes... . No... .  yes... .  No.

I waited. Stayed on my own path.

(D is still imminent.)

Then... .  he wobbled... .  once the support money was transferred from him to me.

He waffled. He controlled (tried to) he began to subtly attack me, to blame, avoid, create more distance.

I stayed on my path. Didn't engage in his battles. Didn't feel badly when he went off the emotional deep end.

He jumped. (he's *done*, we're through, Not meant to be... .  sound familiar?)

I wasn't pushing him, although in the past I probably had-with my behaviors. I can admit to that.

Even with [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], SET and space apart the disorder rears it's ugly head. I don't feel surprised.

You may ask... . Why bother? I bothered because I didn't want the divorce in the first place.

I honor the sanctity of marriage, and I felt like a trial run was in order to see if it was at all salvageable.

Especially since I had begun the process of working on myself.

I value and trust him as a person... .  but as a partner he fails in emotional support. He's not able to give me what I need to feel safe, secure and cherished in the marriage. He values me for what I can do for him.

So... .  D still imminent. and I am OK with that.  

I still love him. But I don't feel the longing/clinging attachment that I had in the past. I don't need him.

That's a very liberating feeling.

I am no longer at the mercy of my emotional ties to him. His push/pull doesn't tug at my heartstrings like it used to.

I no longer feel like his puppet.

I guess for me detachment is Love without Need... .  Without the need to control, need to know, need to understand why, need to *be needed*. It's a stable, serene place to view the world from.

I hope he one day finds that place in his mind that affords him balance, security and safety.

I can't *give* that to him. He has to get there himself.

thanks for reading,

GL

PS.

Wanted to add that just last week he *couldn't live without me!* and he loved me

That over the top mushy stuff was totally new and quite unexpected from my exh.

However, this week when I didn't commit to visiting on the day he suggested but wanted to visit a day later... .  the meltdown.

He made rationalizations/excuses to justify his tirade. But I wasn't fighting!

He does realize it's in his mind -this war he's waging. But he's unable to call a truce.

In the end, the disorder Rules.

[tailspin]

Gina,

My heart goes out to you my friend.  I know your story and I know your heartbreak.  But most importantly, I know your strength. Sometimes we have to reconcile for our own peace of mind; to know we did absolutely everything we could to make it work.  You've done that and more.

Bravo to you for having no regrets and for having the courage to know when it's time to go. Sometimes when we lose, we gain so much.  Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing because we aren't going anywhere 

tailspin

[maria1]

Hi Gina Louise

It sounds like you are actually in a very good place. You have given your marriage every chance, more than many people could have or would have been able to. I think you have done some really amazing work on yourself. It's so incredibly sad but I do think you are right in saying the disorder rules, no matter what you do.

It's very good to see you here anyways 

[ScotisGone74]

Congratulations Gina on having enough self respect and dignity to not run after him, if you did you'd be running in circles the rest of your life.  I know it hurts, but in the long run you will be in a much better place.   Thanks for sharing your story. 

[momtara]

I initiated the divorce and am not sure I want it either.  But it is hard.  We have to be the most patient people in the world.  My ex is not giving me the option of staying separated - we can't afford to live in two separate places.  I am glad that you are getting to a place where you can cope either way.  Keep us posted!

[atcrossroads]

It is so hard, and GL, I certainly admire your strength and resolve.  Some days I think I'm in acceptance, and other days I am back to sadness.  Lately I've been feeling really angry at the DISORDER... .  not at him and how hatefully he's treating me, but angry that this disorder destroyed OUR lives. 

Stay on your path, GL.  You are doing the right thing, and you cannot say you didn't try!   

[Maryiscontrary]

Gina, from what you described in the past, I will lovingly tell you that you likely put your life in danger when you attempted this. I want you to be careful, because things could get really, really ugly.

Love,

Mary

[gina louise]

What prompted me to even try was an exercise that my T gave me about how I would feel about facing my death, regarding regrets... .  my values, things I felt were unsaid and undone. it was really a self reflective exercise but I realized that I deeply felt that the weird breakdown of our marriage was a sticking point for me.

We didn't even have to live together again for me to get that *uh-oh* feeling.

Now all I do is the medium chill until the final D decree. And I am OK with that.

Only seen the T twice-but he's been a godsend.

To really move forwards alone I had to be the one to make my own decision on my terms-not h's. It felt very selfish at the time, but everything I wrote out has been more than beneficial.

thank you all for your support-It means the world!

GL

[Phoenix.Rising]

Gina, I admire your strength and resolve.  It must be difficult to still remain in contact.  I really like what you said about detachment being Love without Need. 

I realize I still love my ex, too.  For me, it is fantasy to think that things would be any different, though.  Fantasy.  I still go there in my head from time to time, but it doesn't take as long now for reality to come to the front.  I can wish and want and hope and love until the end of time, but that will not change the Reality that our relationship was breaking apart from the beginning.  I wish you well.

[marbleloser]

Didn't work for me either GL.If anything,she got more demanding."Buy me a new house or else I'm leaving!",":)o this ,or else!",etc.,,

So,I happened to find my pair.They were in the kitchen drawer,next to the fridge. 

I told her no,so she left. It was nice coming home to peace every day.

[Clearmind]

Gina, its so very true - we can value and love our partners however my ex was not capable of contributing to the relationship - good person though. It was an uphill battle. He was emotionally immature and I expected way too much - changing our partners into something we need is not love and vice versa.

I cannot expect my ex to be anything he is not capable of being - healthy! With work I am getting there.

I love now having an emotional equal who wants the same as I do.

[momtara]

"However, this week when I didn't commit to visiting on the day he suggested but wanted to visit a day later... .    the meltdown."

Sounds like my husband.  It's very hard.  I feel so bad and dream of making it work, and then I see the other side, the extreme anxieties, and it reminds me why I can't live with him.