After 2 years she still needs to criminalise me

[Komo]

I frequented this web site about 2 years ago in order to understand why I was being treated with such brutality by my then wife who was separating from me. Through my T I eventually suspected that there was something wrong with her which led me to this site, and suddenly our 9 year history made crystal clear sense.

In short, I agreed with her to keep the house while I tried to salvage some of my pension (I was being retrenched and when I turned to my spouse for support and pleaded with her to tighten the belt, she decided that it was the ideal time to abandon me for an alcoholic almost half her age and literally run me out of my own home with threads of protection orders). At the same time she was on a roll as she was able to lay claim on half of our estate at a stage that I was imploring with her that we must really think about our retirement savings and stop spending money as fast as we are earning it.

After two years where I had to fork out the monthly home loan instalments and trying to get her to take over her portion of the house and relieve me of the home loan, she at last came around to doing it. As a parting shot she has just laid criminal charges against me, just as we settled on the final reconciling of the home loan. She has done the same thing 6 months ago and the charges were rejected by the prosecutor.

I feel that I made all the sacrifices, that I lost so much, that she put my children through hell and that I was always hoping that patience and love and understanding would eventually ease her mood swings and allow us to enjoy a happy and mutually supporting and loving relationship together. She never settled down. There was always a new drama in the making, always a new extreme thing which totally occupies all her energy while I have to stand back and hope that when the new enthusiasm for the new project subsided, we as a family can get back to normal again.

With this criminal charge, I am really at my wits end. I feel that once the prosecutor rejected this charge too, I could sue her for damages or trauma or something. I cannot believe that one person can cause so much BS in my live despite my best efforts to cut her out of my, finally.

During the past 2 years since our separation, I had to endure tearful pleas to come and assist her child (my former step child) because the child was inconsolable about our divorce. When I tried to push for her to do the thing that I needed her to do, namely take over the house and relieve me of the home loan as agreed, she did nothing while I had to fall around and rent a property since I could not get a new home loan while I have not yet been relieved of my existing home loan. And now this criminal charge!

I just had the need to return to this web site that gave me so much insight in my failed marriage in order to just get some support in this latest abuse that I have to endure. And there seems to be nothing that I can do to stop this!

[mango_flower]

Oh wow... .  and there is me moaning that I got a nasty email!  You poor thing, how horrible.

I don't know much about the American system (I'm guessing it's American as there are unfamiliar words in your post) but all I would say is, evidence EVERYTHING you do.  I'm pretty sure that there is a board here for legal stuff which may help you.

With regards to how you're feeling, yes, it's amazing how one person can cause so much trauma.  Especially when they were so amazing at first (I'm guessing?). 

All you can do is keep going, keep going, keep going.  Push on through.  Day at a time. Hour if you have to.  We will be here to listen x

[Komo]

Yes, mango_flower

She was so amazing at first, it was unreal. She told me that she used to watch me while I slept because she could not stop looking at me; she laid the breakfast table for me; she cared for me in any way possible, it was unreal! But then there was the sudden, violent anger tantrums and I was taken aback since I was convinced I was the cause of it. There was the real outspoken intention to try to harm my daughter since she was convinced that her daughter caught a disease from her. There was her fanatical efforts to sue her doctor for malpractice after her daughter was diagnosed with an immune disease ( I am being intentionally vague for fear of being discovered here). No matter how meticulously I tried to explain to her that her daughter's immune disease could not possibly have been caused by my daughter, she always had a reason and a proof with which to discard my explanations; her steadfast victimisation of my daughter was uncanny.

Instead of common sense prevailing, I felt that the intense anger and viciousness was caused by me and I tried to soothe her by offering up everything I had just to calm her and get our relationship on an even keel. Now I see how absolutely misguided I was! I could kick myself for being so blind!

And thank you for the support. This place helps me to keep my sanity and see things in perspective.

[recoil]

This just made me think of a time when my ex blamed my daughter for her daughters acting up (her youngest just cried out for her Father which was a trigger for my ex).  She told me her daughters never acted up unless mine was around (hers were 4 and 8; mine 6).

I had been there many, many times without my daughter and hers constantly fought with each other (normal to me).

My daughter is doing much better now.  I am still in a lot of pain but my daughter is as happy as she can be and I love that.

As I type this, I feel a great sense of relief.  Our children are free!

I'm sorry you endured this treatment.  It was never your fault -- and certainly not your daughter's fault for causing an immune disorder.  I have read many instances on here about how people with BPD try to alienate the natural parent from the natural child.  That wasn't possible with me.  I wouldn't stand up for myself but I would always stand up for my daughter (but I was harder on my daughter than her kids - I will never be that way again).

Mine also tried to get me to kick out my step daughter before she turned 18 (my late wife died in Jan 2011 and her daughter continued to stay with me).  I refused.  I was a doormat with many things - but not when it came to my kids.

[ForeverDad]

Re-read Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's inexpensive revised & updated Splitting:Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It still applies, even post-divorce.  Apparently she's punishing you for finally succeeding in getting her to comply with the order?  Protect yourself, consult with an attorney experienced with such matters, don't risk enabling any poor outcomes, be very careful, be aware, beware.

[Komo]

ForeverDad, thank you for suggesting the book on "Splitting: protecting yourself". I aquired it and started reading it. The advise in there makes a lot of sense and to my chagrin I must admit that I made a lot of the mistakes that the book advised against. But I'm learning.

It also so happens that I'm finding myself under attack in my job by my boss and this book is immensely helpful I'm dealing with that difficult situation too.

[ForeverDad]

Bill Eddy has other books and some deal with workplace issues.

www.HighConflictInstitute.com