And he's gone again ...

[MockingbirdHL]

I knew something was up around lunchtime today. I know him so well that I can tell from the way he TEXTS.

He's been back for only five days (including today). They were ok days; civil, niceties, some intimacy, doing projects together.  But not back to the way it was yet, and I didn't expect it to be. I knew it would take time. A lot more time. And yesterday I started wondering if he had come back too soon - not stayed away long enough to come full circle in his cycle.

He called his T on Monday. Supposedly. No answer. "Forgot" to call her yesterday. Promised he would call today. When I inquired casually via text he went silent.

So I knew something was up. Left work early. Came home. He wasn't here. Waited an hour. Nothing. Called him - it went to voicemail. Left message just saying I was home and to call me. Texted his Dad to see if he was there. He wasn't. Told his Dad what was happening. 

Right then my dBPDh called. He was back at his parents lake house. Overwhelmed. Confused. Doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't know what to do. Has to stay away and think.  I cried. I listened. I was sympathetic. I was relatively calm.

This time he brought up two things he NEVER talks about - his only brother, who committed suicide 17 years ago. Said he was thinking today "this is how ***** must have felt" and his mother, who abandoned him at 13 (27 years ago) and that he doesn't want his D13 to feel "alienated" from him the way he did from his mother.  I assured him that he is not his mother. He tried to assure me that he wouldn't do anything stupid while pointing out that he will be at the lake tonight alone with a dead phone battery.

I don't know how I'm going up get through tonight. My ONLY focus now is on our family and getting him / me / us into some serious T.

[Clearmind]

MB, hubby needs to want to get into therapy. The reality is, its a long hard road for him and for you.

Are you working on acceptance of his disorder? Do you have a Plan B?

Be mindful that while he is at the lake house you also need to feel secure, protected and live your life. Is this all consuming for you?

[MockingbirdHL]

I think he wants to get into T. He is usually the one that brings it up. I encourage him. But he hasn't made it happen this week. He's usually out of town 4-5 days a week for work but called in two weeks ago and this week. So a lot of days at home but hasn't made an appt yet.  His Dad will try and talk to him tomorrow.  His Dad is one of the few (2) people I believe he actually trusts.

I've NEVER heard him say he can understand how his brother felt on that day. Never heard him say he felt that way. And before he told me he said "I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to freak out" and then says that. I said if you don't want me to freak out then you must want me to understand how you feel. He said yes. (This is all on the phone).

He RARELY speaks of his mother ANC I've never heard him compare himself to her in any way. He's deathly afraid of abandoning his D13. Why?  Because she is growing up and becoming a teenager who doesn't want to spend her spare time with us. She lives with her mother. Why all of a sudden does she not want to see me? He asks himself. He won't accept this is typical teenage girl behavior. Someone must be causing it; he looks around ... .  Then he lands on me.

I'm REALLY trying to practice radical acceptance. That's why I'm still here. That's why I'm still hanging onto the hope that he won't give up on us.

And yes, right now it's all consuming. Or it feels that way.

[Clearmind]

hanging onto the hope that he won't give up on us.

And don't give up on you and your life - this is the most important thing. Hang all your hopes on his recovery and you remain stuck. Its good for you to keep moving forward even though he is not. You matter.

[MockingbirdHL]

[/quote]
And don't give up on you and your life - this is the most important thing. Hang all your hopes on his recovery and you remain stuck. Its good for you to keep moving forward even though he is not. You matter.[/quote]
I'm trying but it's been so long it's hard to remember how.

[Clearmind]

You can do it MB. You are resourceful I am sure - trust yourself, trust your gut, learn to live your live independent of him. Hoobies, family, friends, travel, make new connections.

Right now your field of vision is very narrow - its all about BPD - broaden it by experiencing life. Fake it and eventually you will find what it is you want.

Stagnation will keep you stuck and unhappy. Hugs to you. Branch out - find your life.

[MockingbirdHL]

Update: I went to see his P today. Didn't know what else to do - mainly to get advice on how to handle what's going on and talk with someone who knows him. Found out he never called her. She said to tell him I had seen her and that she was worried and would give him a call. I texted him up that affect when I left her office. He texted back that he was doing laundry and to split up our bank accounts. He had taken some of our income already so two bills haven't been paid - "his" bills - I pay all the bills, he never helps. I forgot one and since he had taken the money to pay the other I figured he had. He hadn't. So now he's taking half our joint check account funds and putting it in his account. He says he will open himself am account today. I think he's already done it.

I expect his stuff to be packed and gone by the time I get home. I doubt he will answer his P's call.

Long conversation with me trying to be understanding and accepting and letting him know I am here and standing by him etc through good and bad. He can't focus on anything but his fear.

He said things like-

"It's not easy for me to leave either"

"I don't think our love is enough to get us through this"

If its not easy then you probably don't really want to go!

Love is all we have; it's all any of us ever have and it's the foundation for everything and we already have that!

I'm lost and helpless again.

[recoil]

MB,

My heart goes out to you -- and to him.  The pain you both feel is so real.  This disorder is so heinous.

[bruceli]

Right then my dBPDh called. He was back at his parents lake house. Overwhelmed. Confused. Doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't know what to do. Has to stay away and think.

Know how you feel and understand... .  BPDw is pretty much in this place now too... .  If were'nt for her son and having to take him with her... .  she would be outta here and gone too... .  

[Clearmind]

I expect his stuff to be packed and gone by the time I get home. I doubt he will answer his P's call.

Ok you have made a decision.

Long conversation with me trying to be understanding and accepting and letting him know I am here and standing by him etc through good and bad. He can't focus on anything but his fear.

This could be seen as mixed messages.

If its not easy then you probably don't really want to go!

Love is all we have; it's all any of us ever have and it's the foundation for everything and we already have that!

I am sorry to hear you are hurting MB. Love is sometimes not enough. So many factors go into making a relationship work. Love is only one.

How is your support network? Family, friends? Are you reaching out for comfort?

[MockingbirdHL]

When i got home most of his clothes and personal effects were gone, as i expected. I went to the gym as usual to give myself another focus. Talked to my best friend and another friend also.

Just got a text from his psychiatrist letting me know she spoke with him on the phone and in her opinion he doesn't sound like he's going to harm himself. She also told me he was considering letting her meet his D13 and get her take.

I thanked her and let her know that D13 probably doesn't know this part of her father; she lives with her mother and sees him a day a week maybe.

He texted me shortly after saying he spoke to her and she told him to tell me what he told her; that he's not going to kill himself under any circumstances and that he's seen what it does to a family and he'd never do that.

I texted him back thanking him and saying I'm here for him, always and that I love him very much.

He read it but did not respond.

Yes I feel heartbroken. Yes I feel hurt. Yes I feel abandoned. I'm just trying to get through each day right now.  I have work. I have a D10. I have a house to take care of, another to get ready to rent so I'm not stuck with two mortgages, pets to care for, etc.

[Clearmind]

All the best to you MB - permit yourself some time to greive.

[MockingbirdHL]

All the best to you MB - permit yourself some time to greive.

I'm not ready to give up or accept this just yet.

[MockingbirdHL]

No contact today except a text about another bill.

He's been calling around and changing his address for insurance etc. Yet he hasn't come and picked up any more of his stuff.

He's systematically disassociating himself from me without a word to me about it.

I'm sure he's with his D13 and Dad now. D13 will probably be happy to hear about this - she gets her Dad back to herself; the way it was her whole life before I came along. His Dad is too afraid to tell him what he really thinks as it might push my H away and he simply can't lose another son. His only remaining child.

I can't believe he is actually up and leaving. Walking away FTP

Every responsibility. Leaving me with two mortgages and all the bills on my own. Without another thought. I've put everything into this relationship - emotionally and financially - and now I'm left with nothing to show got it except a house that reminds me of him every second and a much depleted bank account.

Why does he get away Scott free and I'm left to pick up the pieces? 

[Clearmind]

MB, amongst your grief right now are you able go talk to an attorney? It may help you feel empowered to start making a plan for you.

[MockingbirdHL]

I haven't spoken to an attorney yet. I sort if feel like if I do; it's admitting defeat or accepting something I don't want to accept.

Also, and this is kind of funny, my exH who is the father of my D10 is an attorney and lives five minutes from me. Not sure if he'd represent me, but would definitely give me advice if I asked. Weird I know.

[Iced]

You already know my thoughts since I shared them on the Staying Board, but:

I know you don't want to speak to an attorney yet and you can probably go without speaking to one for a while yet, but to protect yourself, it may not be a bad idea to simply keep tabs on everything that has gone on.  The requests for bills, the withdrawal of the money, etc.

To protect yourself and to literally 'keep the facts straight' you know?  Just in case you ever need that information again.

[Clearmind]

MB, you are on the undecided board, hubby has not made contact and you have 2 mortgages and bills. Is it not time to take some action to protect you?

This does not mean that divorce is imminent - it means you are preparing yourself and taking back some power.