Do your skids seem older or younger?

[sanemom]

I am asking because the more DSD is with her mom, the more immature she seems.  When she is interacting with the other kids, she doesn't seem much older than my 10 year old, and she is 16!  She is inappropriate in terms of how she seeks attention, she sounds like a tween with her negativity, etc. etc. etc.  We have two 15 year olds here who seem at least two years beyond her maturation-wise (even to outsiders who have commented on how immature DSD seems).  It is really sad.   

I would think that being parentified would make you act older, not younger (she is definitely parentified).

[Catsmother]

In our situation we are dealing with nine year old boy. He only, last year, learnt to tie his shoelaces and it was DH who taught him. We were long distance then as well. Now, sadly, he doesn't wear shoes with laces to school because he asked his mothers stepfather to buy him shoes without laces.

He also is not able to use a knife when eating, and said that because he lays the table at his mothers house, he doesn't put out a knife for himself. There are a range of other things he can't or maybe won't is a better word, do for himself that he should have been doing for few years now.

His mother has babied him, and he didn't get a sibling until he was six. DH is the one who took away the bottle, the dummy, the security pillow and taught him to do up buttons and spell his name. BM does not appear interested.

[Catsmother]

Oh and he is known to revert to baby talk.

[Thunderstruck]

D8 seems younger... .  When she is next to other kids her own age I notice it. They are into fashion and pop stars and music and school gossip. She has no interest. She loves animals.

D8 doesn't tie her own shoes either. SO and I will have to work on that.

I think it's a matter of the momster not wanting to let D8 be independant. At mom's house D8 and her sleep in the same bed. The biggest problems I see are in her confidence. She's never encourage to try things and push her limits and grow, so the thought of doing those things sets her off into meltdown mode.

[mamachelle]

Yes, a couple of my step kids do seem younger as well. Part of it is the coping strategies they learned from Mom and the way she babies them. I get so freaked out sometimes listening to SS10 who unknowingly imitates his mother in talking to others. he talks very babyish and lovey dovey at times.

The sad truth is though... .  when Mom started seeing them even less in 2010 and moved away across the country in 2011 we realized the 'immaturity' was something more serious. Blaming biomom just wasn't cutting it anymore... .  when they didn't see her for months at a time.

Turns out SS10 and SS15 did have immature behaviors for neurological reasons as well. Both of them are diagnosed as PDD-NOS aka Autistic or Asperger's. It's only come out as they've grown older and we've seen their other siblings-- both bio and step meet milestones that they haven't.

As for shoe tying-- work with the kiddos on it, as there may be some issues with Fine Motor.

If you go with the theory that BPD is part neurological and genetic inheritable then the fact that I have 2 immature acting step sons on the Autism spectrum from BPD Biomom is not so far fetched since her emotional behaviors are very immature as well.

mamachelle

[NorthernGirl]

In our case, SS23 acted older than his years when he was a teenager -- he was the All Bad child to his UBPDMom and he lived with DH as soon as his parents separated (when he was 12 or 13.) He learned to stand up to his mom as a teenager after years of being bullied by her (she blames him for the divorce, his brother's addiction, etc.)

SS21 went through addiction issues for years and is enmeshed with his mom, so acts younger than his years. He is usually her All Good child. When his drinking got really bad (14-17) his mom would either smother him (give him money or whatever he wanted) or push him away (throw him out of her house yet again, scream and rage at him for drinking.) His mom reinforced over and over that he was a child and needed to be looked after. When he returned from his last addiction treatment center at 18, she bought him a new wardrobe, laptop, cell phone, etc, etc. He currently lives with her and relies on her for everything. Although he is a smart young man in many ways, he has very poor coping skills. His T's at his first few treatment programs tried to work on those, but his mom pulled him out of the programs when they started to see through her stories. She eventually found him a program that had no specific counselling, just 4 hours of religious studies every day. He is not religious and he and his mom now says he is cured. He is definitely parentified.

SS18 has development delays and so often acts about 12. I understand that doctors have never really been able to diagnose him with anything specific. DH has been told he is PDD-NOS, but also that he has autistic tendencies but is not autistic. He has a very low IQ and struggles with comprehension. He also has significant anxiety issues. His mom treats him as though he is very handicapped (has called him mentally retarded) but he is capable in many ways. When he was 13 his mom pulled him from school saying it was just too hard on him. DH was able to get him back in school after a long process and he is graduating next week (yah!) Through guardianship discussions, his mom has repeatedly said he can never make decisions for himself and should not do anything that might cause him harm.

[DreamGirl]

I think my oldest stepdaughter (16) is more mature then all of us.

[Pidge]

My own daughters were early bloomers, and it might have been nice if they'd been into animals longer before liking clothes and boys.

But, that being said, there is occasional friction with the kids because SD16 often seems more helpless and less competent in daily activities (cooking, washing up, etc) than my D's 15 & 19. It's like Cinderella in reverse, the daughters do more than the stepdaughter around the house.

But, SD is a good kid, and the longer she stays with us the more assertive and independent she seems to become.