Undiagnosed potential BPD wife - or is it me? about to separate

[elusivebpd]

Hello Everyone!

3 weeks ago I told my wife I wanted to separate. We have a son who just turned 4. I have read a lot about BPD (and NPD) and at this point am not really sure if she, me, or either of us have it. This separation is rough on me right now as I want to just get away from my own anxious mind. I have had hives all over me for four days and think it is because of stress. No serious thoughts of suicide or any self-harm. I have been going to work and playing with my son. I feel that the past four years of abuse is all coming to light right now and I am just stressed and worried about how my son will fare as he grows older.


I will try to be short. When I met my wife, I quickly fell in love and thought I had met the girl of my dreams. Sex was great and frequent though we were long distance. She told her friends and family how wonderful I was and that she thought she had finally met the guy she had been waiting for. We had a lot of fun together and could talk on the fun effortlessly for hours. 3 months in, she became pregnant. I moved in with her after finishing school in another city (that's why it was long distance) around the ninth month of pregnancy. We were married and then the baby was born soon thereafter.


That was the last time I felt the elated happiness. Sometimes it would come back, but would quickly leave. My wife was constantly mad at me for not doing things the right way (her way). Initially I would fight back. I soon realized (subconsciously I think) that there was hell to pay for fighting back and I would instead just be quiet. When I got quiet, I was thinking that if I spoke up, there would be hell to pay. Eventually she started calling these quiet moments my bad moods and making them the center of all our problems. "The only problem is your bad moods. If you didn't do that then everything would be fine." The sex life dropped. Once we didn't have sex for five months. That's all I'll say for this post.


I keep trying to make sense of all this and am really driving myself nuts. I will be going to counseling soon.

[elusivebpd]

I initially started this thread over on the "new" section and wanted to started it here. Somebody asked the following questions. Here are my answers.

So, are you still all living under one roof?

Yes. She says she can't talk to a lawyer for another 2 weeks. Something with pre-paid legal work benefits. I am trying not to jump the gun on separation, making any moves etc. to not mess up custody.

Have you spoken with an attorney?

Yes. I have my ducks in a row I think and have been documenting episodes for a year or more, have financial statements, etc. I have been primarily caring for my son while my wife has gone to school and worked full time. Interestingly, she says that it is her mother that took care of my son and she minimizes my contribution to putting her through school while taking care of our son on countless days and nights. I work full time too.

Is your son in daycare or able to have exposure to other kids or cousins?

Yes. He has exposure to other kids.

Do you have support of family and/or friends?

Yes. I don't think they grasp the big picture though. I have said this relationship has been abusive. I have mentioned that there might be something wrong psychologically with my wife and possibly with me. They support me going to counseling. My sister has been very supportive and was the one who said she thought my wife was a narcissist. A good friend said the same thing a year ago.

I will read through the articles. The titles look promising and clearly you helped a soul or two!

[elusivebpd]

Just posted this in another thread. This is our sex life:

Male here. In the first several months, sex was great and frequent. My wife wanted me. She also loved touching, cuddling, we would lay together to watch movies etc.

Then overnight, it just stopped. I always felt like I was having sex with somebody who didn't really care. It felt empty. She no longer touched me. She has not touched me in a loving way in three years. Se became transactional. We didn't have sex for five months once.

I would ask or initiate and she would say she didn't feel like it. Then she would promise tomorrow. Tomorrow would come and she wouldn't do it and sometimes I would get upset, others I would deal with it and ignore it. Then the next day she would do it.

It was always the same pattern too. Regardless of who would initiate, she would immediately just role on her back. She expected me to give her oral sex or that's what she wanted. She would not really touch me either.

Ultimately I have started dealing with premature ejaculation for the past six months. I truly believe it's my body or mind relating to me that I am having sex with somebody who does not want me. We are separating soon.

[elusivebpd]

Hives are largely gone now. I start to get a panicky feeling every time I know I am going to see her.

[daze]

Glad your hives are gone.  You mentioned that you question whether you, her or both of you have mental problems.  Have you seen a therapist?  Many people here find themselves in therapy because most of us have issues or we wouldn't be with a pwBPD.  PwBPD also have ways of turning things around, gaslighting, and the like which can lead you to question your own sanity.  They also project.

Taking care of yourself and your son is your top priority.  Therapy/counseling would probably help.  You don't have to tell her you are going.

[Murbay]

I completely agree with daze, questioning your own sanity is something they are good at making you do.

Get yourself into therapy because it will help you figure out who you are and help to put things in perspective.

[Bulgakov]

I also get accused quite regularly of being the problem. I get quiet as well after long periods of trying to reason with her. She makes it seem like if I try to fix the problem then she will be more upset with me. So no wonder I drop the ball on some things. She uses it against me later. Says her friends agree with her but I think we all know they don't get the whole picture. If I showed any of her friends half the things she has said to me via text I don't imagine they would want to be her friend any  more. I find that I am anxious around her now. Hell, I'm afraid of her. She appears to know how scary she can be but still has no understanding of my anxieties. I have already signed a lease to live with her again. I try to move forward, but I don't think I can ever get over some of the things she has said to me. I should really just leave. I keep telling myself that if someone who has been married, bought a house, or had kids can leave a relationship, then I should be able to without having done these things. Makes me feel pretty low.

[ogopogodude]

Wow, ... . deja vu... . your story is like looking in a mirror for me... . Go out and read from cover to cover the book called Stop Walking on Eggshells--when the one you love has BPD by author, Randi Kreger.

Whether you realize it or not, ... . if u are worried about saying something that may "trigger" her into an emotional stated (usually anger), ... . then you are definitely walking on eggshells. You are a victim, dude, ... . yesireeeeee.

In my opinion, ... . you are a victim of a BPD spouse. Period.

[Mr Bean]

Smae here bulgakov. Feel like we re dating the same woman.

I also got scared to talk to my ex since she might rage. I just kept quiet and chose my words carefully. I was in emotional abuse for 3.5 years but still miss her now

[bruceli]

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm... .   How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves.    This article may be helpful... .

[Bulgakov]

Mr. Bean. It is truly amazing the pull you can feel towards a pwBPD. I remember we split up for a bit, and even though I had this new found sense of freedom and independence, I could not get her out of my mind. It was very difficult, and as I am currently with her again, I guess I didn't hold up under the pressure. I suppose things have been better than they were before, so maybe that is a good sign.

[dickL]

elusivepod, uBPDw 35yrs , never got an accurate diagnosis in her past . scorching courtship , marriage , no sex for months . i thought and was told repeatedly it was all me . i share in our lack of marital skills , but sex was never the same. i felt i made love on a bed of eggshells.

i was a confused hubbie . kept quite for years as i was verbally abused . lies , infidelities , while masking as a society gal . preached against people behaving like trash . it wore me down , she has left twice in the past 3yrs . i started T about a year ago for anger and to save my marriage . friend suggested BPD as possible culprit . came here couple months ago and bingo , sadly fit her to a t. get help for yourself with T familiar with BPD . i've started reading suggested books recommended on this site and it's helpful , lots of work ahead for me . she's gone again with no contact and like it or not she'll be back and i want to learn better tools to stop the bleeding while taking care of myself and mentally handicapped 25S who lives with us. divorce would be a disaster for S , his T agrees.

[hackett1f]

I am right there with you. I am planning to file for separation next Monday. My wife has cheated on me and has similar behaviors with regards to how things get done, the emotional abuse, and centering our problems on my unwillingness to engage her. I have been through absolute hell and will tell anyone that if you suspect your spouse has BPD and they refuse to explore treatment, get out. You will never win. BPDs (and Histronics, I think she has a mix of things floating around) are incorrigible and will refuse to accept your counsel. The manipulations are mind blowing, especially when you realize that she only let's people see what she wants. They will think you are a jerk and a horrible husband because they are unable to comprehend the amount of emotional, mental, and occasional physical abuse you are enduring. Don't endure it, set your boundaries and if they are violated get away. Have a bag ready to go at any time. Have money in a separate account. Don't keep a joint account, get your name off it. Don't give her your paychecks. And don't do anything stupid and reactionary. Anything you say or do can be twisted into a threat or a misdeed. They react poorly to rejection and will act out in surprisingly violent and insidious ways.

Stay strong. She is feeding off your self doubt. She has convinced you for four years that you are the problem and you do everything wrong. That is a lie. She isn't doing it intentionally, it is a survival mechanism. Deep down she is scared of everything and will lash out like a wild animal, but THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT. I have wasted 6 years trying to fix mine. The silver lining is that I found myself and my confidence, but I have and will continue to pay a hefty price. Good luck.

[CS4Ever]

It never ceases to amaze me when I read someone else's description of their situation and that could be my own. Aside from all the great advice, I think this is the number one reason I keep coming back to the site- to reassure myself that its not my fault and that I'm not alone!

So first things first elusiveBPD, take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that this isn't your fault!

Will you do things that you shouldn't as you deal with your BPD partner? Sure. Will you be perfect? Absolutely not. But there is no requirement that you be perfect. Real honest adult relationships are between two imperfect people who love each other faults and all.

Her issues are her issues and you're not responsible for them. They were there long before you came along and will be there long after you're gone (assuming you leave). All you can do is find better mechanisms to cope with them. With the first of those being to find ways to take care of yourself and your needs whether she approves of them or not. So read walking on eggshells, make sure you're taking care of yourself, go see a counselor, and don't make the mistake of yourself for her issues!

[Chapboy]

Just posted this in another thread. This is our sex life:

Male here. In the first several months, sex was great and frequent. My wife wanted me. She also loved touching, cuddling, we would lay together to watch movies etc.

Then overnight, it just stopped. I always felt like I was having sex with somebody who didn't really care. It felt empty. She no longer touched me. She has not touched me in a loving way in three years. Se became transactional. We didn't have sex for five months once.

I would ask or initiate and she would say she didn't feel like it. Then she would promise tomorrow. Tomorrow would come and she wouldn't do it and sometimes I would get upset, others I would deal with it and ignore it. Then the next day she would do it.

It was always the same pattern too. Regardless of who would initiate, she would immediately just role on her back. She expected me to give her oral sex or that's what she wanted. She would not really touch me either.

Ultimately I have started dealing with premature ejaculation for the past six months. I truly believe it's my body or mind relating to me that I am having sex with somebody who does not want me. We are separating soon.

I'm not sure this post is worth it, as I see the OP hasn't posted here in many months and this may be personal, but I promise I have a reason behind it... .

elusiveBPD - Due to your feelings suddenly horrifying about your loved one and her actions do you (emotionally and sexually), have you found it difficult to be loving back? Have you found yourself resorting to watching more porn since you don't feel comfortable with your partner?

[downandin]

I'm not sure this post is worth it, as I see the OP hasn't posted here in many months and this may be personal, but I promise I have a reason behind it... .

elusiveBPD - Due to your feelings suddenly horrifying about your loved one and her actions do you (emotionally and sexually), have you found it difficult to be loving back?

I'm not the OP, but this is very much my problem.  Because of my feelings of no emotional closeness, I have become completely uninterested in any physical relationship at all, not just with my wife but with anyone.  I don't even like to think about it. 

[Chapboy]

I'm not sure this post is worth it, as I see the OP hasn't posted here in many months and this may be personal, but I promise I have a reason behind it... .

elusiveBPD - Due to your feelings suddenly horrifying about your loved one and her actions do you (emotionally and sexually), have you found it difficult to be loving back?

I'm not the OP, but this is very much my problem.  Because of my feelings of no emotional closeness, I have become completely uninterested in any physical relationship at all, not just with my wife but with anyone.  I don't even like to think about it. 

downandin - are you experiencing physical problems as a result? Also, is your wife suffering from BPD?

[downandin]

I'm not sure this post is worth it, as I see the OP hasn't posted here in many months and this may be personal, but I promise I have a reason behind it... .

elusiveBPD - Due to your feelings suddenly horrifying about your loved one and her actions do you (emotionally and sexually), have you found it difficult to be loving back?

I'm not the OP, but this is very much my problem.  Because of my feelings of no emotional closeness, I have become completely uninterested in any physical relationship at all, not just with my wife but with anyone.  I don't even like to think about it. 

downandin - are you experiencing physical problems as a result? Also, is your wife suffering from BPD?

Yes I have had physical problems, and yes my wife has symptoms of BPD, though she is undiagnosed

[Chapboy]

I'm not sure this post is worth it, as I see the OP hasn't posted here in many months and this may be personal, but I promise I have a reason behind it... .

elusiveBPD - Due to your feelings suddenly horrifying about your loved one and her actions do you (emotionally and sexually), have you found it difficult to be loving back?

I'm not the OP, but this is very much my problem.  Because of my feelings of no emotional closeness, I have become completely uninterested in any physical relationship at all, not just with my wife but with anyone.  I don't even like to think about it. 

downandin - are you experiencing physical problems as a result? Also, is your wife suffering from BPD?

Yes I have had physical problems, and yes my wife has symptoms of BPD, though she is undiagnosed

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you considered/talked to her about it and perhaps seeking a counselor/therapist?

What type of physical problems?