Sadness

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello friends,  I have had some deep wells of sadness coming up lately.  It feels like the sadness of the world just comes down on me.  Sometimes I start to feel a bit of depression, but it is not depression like I have know in the past, which is good.  I have been crying. 

I'm glad that I am able to feel this pain, but I also want to get past it, and get to something better and healthier.  I have had a lot of girlfriends and I was married once, but my relationships with women have always been a struggle.  Cognitively I know I've made a lot of progress, but it's hard to feel it in my heart sometimes. 

I feel broken from the loss I've experienced in my relationships.  My heart feels like it has been torn to pieces.  I did love my exwBPD very much.  I did.  I loved the woman I was with before her.  I have a difficult time receiving love. 

I'm learning to give more of that love to myself, but it is a struggle, sometimes a very difficult one.  I am 44 years old, and I wonder if I'm capable of having the type of relationship with a woman I desire.  Sometimes I'm not sure I know what it is I desire.  I'm realizing my mother most likely has BPD and I have been reading about that and working on it with a therapist.  This has had a huge impact on how I relate with and attach to women.  I have an appointment with my therapist today.  It's just been hard to stay focused, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed right now.  I will keep plugging away regardless.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hello friends,  I have had some deep wells of sadness coming up lately.  It feels like the sadness of the world just comes down on me.  Sometimes I start to feel a bit of depression, but it is not depression like I have know in the past, which is good.  I have been crying. 

I'm glad that I am able to feel this pain, but I also want to get past it, and get to something better and healthier.  I have had a lot of girlfriends and I was married once, but my relationships with women have always been a struggle.  Cognitively I know I've made a lot of progress, but it's hard to feel it in my heart sometimes. 

I feel broken from the loss I've experienced in my relationships.  My heart feels like it has been torn to pieces.  I did love my exwBPD very much.  I did.  I loved the woman I was with before her.  I have a difficult time receiving love. 

I'm learning to give more of that love to myself, but it is a struggle, sometimes a very difficult one.  I am 44 years old, and I wonder if I'm capable of having the type of relationship with a woman I desire.  Sometimes I'm not sure I know what it is I desire.  I'm realizing my mother most likely has BPD and I have been reading about that and working on it with a therapist.  This has had a huge impact on how I relate with and attach to women.  I have an appointment with my therapist today.  It's just been hard to stay focused, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed right now.  I will keep plugging away regardless.

[heartandwhole]

I'm learning to give more of that love to myself, but it is a struggle, sometimes a very difficult one.  I am 44 years old, and I wonder if I'm capable of having the type of relationship with a woman I desire.  Sometimes I'm not sure I know what it is I desire. 

Phoenix.Rising,

I could have written that myself, I really relate to your thoughts here.  Just want to tell you that you are not alone and I commend you for being willing to live there- in that well of sadness - if even for a little while.  It feels very sweet to read your post.  Does that make sense?  For me, sadness can trigger an enormous river of softness and compassion, it reminds me that we are all so beautifully human and vulnerable.

You are a wonderful man doing great work.  Thanks for sharing. 

heartandwhole

[slimmiller]

Hello friends,  I have had some deep wells of sadness coming up lately.  It feels like the sadness of the world just comes down on me.  Sometimes I start to feel a bit of depression, but it is not depression like I have know in the past, which is good.  I have been crying. 

I'm glad that I am able to feel this pain, but I also want to get past it, and get to something better and healthier.  I have had a lot of girlfriends and I was married once, but my relationships with women have always been a struggle.  Cognitively I know I've made a lot of progress, but it's hard to feel it in my heart sometimes. 

I feel broken from the loss I've experienced in my relationships.  My heart feels like it has been torn to pieces.  I did love my exwBPD very much.  I did.  I loved the woman I was with before her.  I have a difficult time receiving love. 

I'm learning to give more of that love to myself, but it is a struggle, sometimes a very difficult one.  I am 44 years old, and I wonder if I'm capable of having the type of relationship with a woman I desire.  Sometimes I'm not sure I know what it is I desire.  I'm realizing my mother most likely has BPD and I have been reading about that and working on it with a therapist.  This has had a huge impact on how I relate with and attach to women.  I have an appointment with my therapist today.  It's just been hard to stay focused, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed right now.  I will keep plugging away regardless.

Hello Phoenix.Rising

I have had the same emotions and thoughts. Its tough and sorry to hear you are going through that... . its not easy

Speaking stricktly philosophically, I have come to the conclusion in a way that when we feel love in others its more of them being a mirror so to speak. I think love in some form is already in us and we just happen to find others that help us to 'feel' it by reciprocating it back to us. Thinking this way helps me because then I realize the love I felt for her she can, not take. What offends us when one hurts us is the fact that they no longer reflect what we give (love) back to us. The whole premise of the relationship 'was' based on sharing and reciprocating love. BPDs have absolutely no qualms about rudely and with no 'empathy' taking that mirror away leaving us stunted and confused, sad, lonely because they so intensly reflected it back to us before they painted us black. Not only is there no reflection, they expect us to continue to shine (give, actually they demand it under threat often) our affections to them and they think its okay us NOT getting it in return.

Its hard but your last sentence proves you will be okay

slimmiller

[WillSurvive420]

Maybe look into CODA meetings... .  theyve been helpful for my depression, anger, lonliness. Your stronger than you know!

[Maryiscontrary]

Let me give some thoughts, since you have shared many with me.

I am finding out in this jacked up process that I do not "need" romantic relationship. I have this newfound smugness in this tricked out trailer, as well as the art I made that is in it, as well as the amazing business. I did all of this by myself, with no interference from any jerk weed. Now, I have a nice guy friend, and he is a great friend, and we help each other adapt and be accountable.

I have very, very strict boundaries and will not commit to anything. But we help each other adapt. I am completely my own person, and I don't "need" him, but life is more pleasent. He understands how important my projects are, and how messed up things were, and he does not interfere. I deal with my own stuff. There is no emeshment. There is no pain or discomfort.

I think that this is what a real friendship is about.  He likes me for me. I mean, why wouldn't he? Seriously, look at the pool of women or men out there. It sucks. Redneck trailer trash, and I mean that for any nationality or creed, and not just mobile home dwellers. Really, objectively people are really screwed up, over stressed, look like hell, have messed up habits, social functioning. Really.

So why wouldn't he think he hit the jackpot? I keep everything simple, no drama. Do what I say I am going to do. Take care of my responsibilities. Self sufficent. Work on myself. Don't do reckless crap. And he has seen me throw asswholes out the door, so he knows I know my worth.

I think these thing just manefest, Phoenix. I think if you take care of your side of the street, you become a chic magnent, and attractive to chics that have their crap somewhat together and who are reasonable. it just happens. You don't think... .  aw I want a relationship. Look at your best friend, that manefested over time. You didn't look at your best friend and tell him "hey, I am looking for a new best friend."

No, it manefested because you were compatible. Do you see what I mean?

[Cumulus]

Hi Phoenixr, it's hard to explain but sadness is different from depression, isn't it? My thought on where you are is that if your heart feels torn to pieces you need to find out what puts it back together again. When you have done that and allowed a little time to feel comfortable with your whole heart then it might be time to find someone to share it with. Guard it carefully, it deserves a good companion.

[cult]

Hi Phoenix,

I also want to add my  . You are such a support to so many of us here, including myself. I am exactly your age and have many of the same thoughts you do. How my relationship got so messed up is beyond me and I am full of regret, self-recrimination, guilt, sadness - you name it. I am exactly your age and have gone through many of your situations. I wanted my current relationship to be The One that ended all my pain. I willed that fantasy relationship into existence. Until crisis snuck up on me, I did not realize how complex a long term relationship is and the flexibility, strength and serenity required. I am lacking in many of these departments but I am trying to learn for the betterment of my relationships. If this one ends, there will be another eventually. I'm very sad this weekend too. Progress not perfection. We can learn to love ourselves as much as we once loved others, and better, because it will be healthy love. Peace to you.

[maria1]

Hi Phoenix

I am so sorry you are in pain and feeling such sadness. What speaks to me from your words and from your coming to terms with your mother's disorder and your relationships is that maybe you have never been loved the way you deserve to be.

I have a difficult time receiving love. 

You haven't learned how to receive love. You haven't had a relationship that gives and receives love in equal measure. Neither have I. I just don't know what that feels and looks like. And realising that has involved sadness for me so I may be projecting my feelings onto you here.

I lost hope for a while because I was terrified to lose myself in the hope of another dysfunctional relationship. I spent my life lost in daydreams hoping for changes in existing partners or hoping for Mr Wonderful coming along when I was between partners. I never, ever lost hope... . until sometime over the last year when I realised how dysfunctional living in hope land has been.

But I need hope to survive. Without hope I became very sad and I am working on new and healthy hope for myself.

You are an incredible man with such a huge amount to offer in a relationship when you get to that point. You are doing some very hard and painful work and you offer so much wise support to people like me on these boards. Thank you so much for that.

You will have an amazing RECIPROCAL relationship one day in the future when you are ready for it. Feeling sadness and grieving the time that has been lost and things that have been damaged are all part of this difficult journey. I hope I can send you a little strength and a little smile. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel my friend.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hello friends, Some of the sadness seems to be lifting.  I had an eventful weekend with some family members, which presented its own challenges, but was good none the less.  I rode my motorcycle and did a little fishing.

I appreciate everyone's comments, and I've been able to draw some strength and wisdom from each post.  Yes, sadness is different from depression.  I have not crossed over into depression this time.  I still have a lot of forward momentum driving me onward, which helps with escaping depression.  The insights I'm experiencing are difficult, but welcomed. 

I think we are all worth having a relationship where love and respect are reciprocated on both ends.  We are learning some of that on these boards, at least I am.  I feel genuine concern from you guys and gals.

I do attend Al-Anon and other recovery meetings on occasion, and I am in therapy.

I agree that I do not 'need' a relationship, although it is still difficult to think of myself as being alone for an extended period.  I am becoming more comfortable with myself, and I am able to fill much of my time with activities and with people who are friends.  I agree that healthy, intimate relationships manifest over time, from friends to lovers.  My tendency has been to jump in too quick, then I become overwhelmed and realize we really don't know each other as well as I'd like to.  So, boundaries... .   Having a friend now to me seems preferable to an incompatible lover. 

I am learning to receive love from you all.  It is difficult, and it is difficult to ask for help, but when I do people really reach out.  That is an awesome feeling.  I appreciate it.

You all are incredible.  Thank you.