How is anyone meant to cope with this?

[Nearlybroken]

I really think that I can no longer cope with this... .  Had a discussion yesterday... .  was basically told that I was the worst person in the world... .  caused upset with whatever I did.have ruined his life etc etc.I tried not to react... .  gave rational explanations where I could,empathised.Was made to feel awful... .  things brought up (by him) from the past with the most awful interpretations on them.In short,I was made to feel like I was utterly abusive to him,awful partner,bad person.I got the detached dismissive nasty side,then the vulnerable side,then the tears.I removed myself from the situation because the guilt (even though I know i haven't done anything wrong) was more than I could cope with.He makes me feel like my explanations cause him more distress than my silence (which also appears to cause him distress).Spent the night in my car... .  crying and shaking.He went out with friends and had a great time.Was apparently life and soul of the party.Told people I was ill in bed.Feel doubly betrayed as one of my good friends who knows the extent of what is going on and who yesterday told me that he was being awful and I should leave him posted pictures on line of the two of them laughing and joking... .  I am honestly beginning to wonder whether I can trust anyone.I feel very alone in all of this... .  very alone :'(

[jrx]

I promise you're not alone. I've spent more than one night in the car after my exBPDgf would, well you know, you described it all. The worst part is how charming they are because they have amazing chameleon-like abilities to be exactly what other people need at any given point in time.

You're in the right place. Everyone is here for you.

[waverider]

First read the lessons to the right>>

A few things to consider:

You have no boundaries, this is the first stand out point.

You are slipping into JADE when being accused, which puts you on the back foot.

Once a discussion starts going nowhere, disengage

Once it becomes abusive/disrespectful leave.

"you are the worst person in the world" >>That is his perspective, his problem=His stuff to deal with. You are not the worse person in the world, learn to believe that. Learn to self validate. His mind is dysfunctional and should not be used as a measure of your own sense of self worth.

If this sort of thing is common place, have a back up escape plan, so you dont end up spending the night in the car. Be prepared, have some where to go, an escape plan empowers you even if you never use it.

He only has power if you give it to him.

During dysregulation the issue at hand is lost, his only goal is to establish control over you, as he has non over himself.

Spend a lot of time here, there are many in the same situation as you, you will learn much. It is a little like untangling a ball of string, it seems impossible but you can get there a little bit at a time.

You are not alone, peeps in here will be your lifeline to sanity

[Nearlybroken]

I think I will have to change my user name on here to "Broken"... .  I asked him to leave this morning.He could not have been more enthusiastic :'(

[waverider]

I hear your pain.

There is still a lot of uncertainty ahead of you yet, keep posting

[whatisthetruth]

Your first post is almost verbatum my experience.

I'm glad u asked him to leave - 6 mos from now as long as u dont romanticize the relationship... .  u will heal.

just remind yourself when u miss him of why u did what u did

and then - remind me when i need it because im still in it



I slept in and out of my car for 6 mos after being asked to leave

my partner/ex/ we dont know what the heck we are doing... .  some how i managed to give up my personal choice in this relationship.

talked into leaving my job

now im trapped and trying to restabilize my life to leave most likely

i cant believe i have made the stupid mistakes that I have with her - except she's a therapist, very savvy and very manipulative.

in any case - your healing is about to begin - i wish you every bit of luck and will say some prayers for your sanity. 

im not hugely religious but i am spiritual

wishing you peace

healing

joy and true love

[House of Mirrors]

 

I felt very sad reading your post and know what it is like to feel alone with all kinds of 'crazy you know what' going on.

One question I would ask is whether you identify yourself as co-dependent? If so, it may be your time to confront this and to see why this relationship has you in its grip. I don't mean that judgementally in the slightest and say it with love. I know that for me, confronting and dealing with my codependency is  more empowering than being buffetted around by confusion and helping someone else but not myself. It feels like a light at the end of a long tunnel.

I wish you clarity and strength,

HoM

[Nearlybroken]

HoM,

I think I am codependant.That can be the only logical explanation as to why I have put up with this for so long.He was a huge part of my life for several years... .  we lived in each other's pockets and I am finding it impossible to deal with what is happening now as I constantly compare the situation to the "good times".I am just struggling with the "aloneness" of it all and actually struggling to accept that such awful things could be happening to ME.I am by no means perfect but I know I havent done anything to deserve this.I just struggle to make sense of anything at the minute.

[House of Mirrors]

Hi

Don't despair. I know it seems difficult and I am a total beginner with the BPD stuff but all I CAN say is that there ARE ways to improve, manage and work with your codependency. It will take time, pain, re-focusing, facing your fears but if you are not happy with the way your life currently is then it could take you to a happier place by understanding yourself better and working on changing your patterns. There are lots of good books out there on codependency.

All you need is to be ready to face yourself, your past and your 'stuff'. I know how hard that is after running from it myself for a lot of years. I do feel that a time will come for each person when the pain of what they are in will be worse than the pain of facing and dealing with their own emotions. Usually the flashpoint is when you realise that you can no longer stay in your painful relationship and so you work towards an exit (that decision may be forced or voluntary). It is entirely your choice to stay or leave - no-one else can tell you. You will know when that time is right for you. BPD relationships can be very attractive - especially to a codependent. All the focus on them and fixing their stuff and not dealing with yours.

For me, I finally realised that I had been rationalising and living in my head for years but not my heart. Acknowledging your own emotions is scary and new. Joining the dots of your childhood situation and your relationship choices is also very enlightening.

A very useful book for me was 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' by Beverley Engel. I also committed to working with a counsellor and actually investing in MYSELF! Gasp!

I wish you luck and you aren't alone completely as there is always the infinite wisdom and kindness of the members of this board. 

I hope this helps if even just a little,

HoM

[Bulgakov]

These stories are really hitting a familiar chord. I have also slept in my van a couple times after some fights that had me utterly confused. It is amazing how well some pwBPD can put someone down, particularly someone that they otherwise seem to care so much about. It is hard to know what to do when you are being told to leave only to be asked later why you haven't come back with food or whatever the argument got sidetracked towards before you left. But there is definitely our own choice in the matter, to just call it a night and decouple briefly. I find that choice to be surprisingly hard to make most of the time, unfortunately. I believe you have made a step in choosing your own path, which just about anyone can respect. I sure do. Do small things for yourself here and there, for no good reason. Take a different route next time you walk/drive/bike to work/school/downtown. That usually helps me feel a little better, seeing new things even on such a small scale.