Quite puzzling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,

So I have posted this when I first got here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192733

I graduated after that and was home doing nothing, and my life got worse because of her needing me to be with her on Skype anytime she had access to it. She could not handle being alone, at all. Things got really bad and I was forced to make her promises I did not want to make because if I did not, she wouldn't have studied for exams or finals, and I would have felt bad. I had also stopped seeing my therapist because of financial issues (Couldn't pay anymore).

Anyway, she came back to the country now up until August.

One day before she came back, my friend came over and had a talk with me about this because he really wanted me to snap out of it. It was a helpful call, but I had decided before that things needed to change once she was back to the country.

I had been seeing my friends once in 2-3 weeks, and not doing anything in my life but tending to her on Skype.

--

In any case, that is old news, and now she is here and I don't know what to do. Things are better, I am not on Skype with her at all anymore, and she is with her mom and friends whenever I can not see her, which gets a big load off of my back.

But we had a couple of big fights at times. She once wanted to leap out of the car, I was going fast, and she opened the passenger door. So I slammed on the breaks and started yelling at her.

Some other time, she decided that it was wise to hit me so I hit her back. Then she hit me more and started biting, so I hit her more. Hitting kept going for a good 20 minutes until she got tired. I was not punching her or whatever, just slapping her hand or pushing her. But she punched me in the face and tried punching my groin.

Apparently, she thought that after she hit me, I should have hugged her to make her stop. What a load of bullhit.

Anyway, we survived that.

But I could not help but think: What if she had a knife? or a weapon. What if we shared a home together, and she decided to go to the kitchen, grab a knife and stab me with it during a fight?

I could not help but think: What if we had kids and she got one of her episodes and hurt one of our children.

This now involves my safety and the safety of my future family.

How far would she go?

I still love her after all of that. I don't understand why I do, but I just do. I can't understand why. It is just not her fault that she is like that, and I know that. But she is refusing any idea of her seeking professional help and saying that she wants to fix her issues on her own. Everytime I mention professional help, she gets angry.

I am seeing the therapist again, and we are working on my assertiveness. Turns out I am very non-assertive. Also, low self-esteem. I have been more assertive with her, which she doesn't like, but trying to get her used to that.

I no longer respond to her "I am going to kill myself" threats. She accuses me of not caring, so I found away around that by telling her: "I really don't want you to do that, and don't recommend you to do so as a person that cares about you. But it is your life and your choice." She keeps on doing it until she disappears for 10-15 minutes, then comes back. And starts making illogical demands of me. Like driving for an hour and a half at 4 am in the morning to see her for a bit so she could get a hug.

She also always seems to put the blame on me, for everything. And can never blame herself for anything.

Anyway, part of me can't stand her hit anymore, and the other part just loves her and keeps showering her with gifts and affection. It is because I love part of her so much, the sweet happy part, and I despise that other angry part.

I am not sure what to do, really. I either have to just end it and move on, or I have to just find ways to deal with her and get her problems fixed.

I know that I am probably better off with her, but I love her so much.

I have so much more to say, but I don't want this to become a gigantic post.

What's your advice and what do you think?

[Obviously]

Hey all,

So I have posted this when I first got here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192733

I graduated after that and was home doing nothing, and my life got worse because of her needing me to be with her on Skype anytime she had access to it. She could not handle being alone, at all. Things got really bad and I was forced to make her promises I did not want to make because if I did not, she wouldn't have studied for exams or finals, and I would have felt bad. I had also stopped seeing my therapist because of financial issues (Couldn't pay anymore).

Anyway, she came back to the country now up until August.

One day before she came back, my friend came over and had a talk with me about this because he really wanted me to snap out of it. It was a helpful call, but I had decided before that things needed to change once she was back to the country.

I had been seeing my friends once in 2-3 weeks, and not doing anything in my life but tending to her on Skype.

--

In any case, that is old news, and now she is here and I don't know what to do. Things are better, I am not on Skype with her at all anymore, and she is with her mom and friends whenever I can not see her, which gets a big load off of my back.

But we had a couple of big fights at times. She once wanted to leap out of the car, I was going fast, and she opened the passenger door. So I slammed on the breaks and started yelling at her.

Some other time, she decided that it was wise to hit me so I hit her back. Then she hit me more and started biting, so I hit her more. Hitting kept going for a good 20 minutes until she got tired. I was not punching her or whatever, just slapping her hand or pushing her. But she punched me in the face and tried punching my groin.

Apparently, she thought that after she hit me, I should have hugged her to make her stop. What a load of bullhit.

Anyway, we survived that.

But I could not help but think: What if she had a knife? or a weapon. What if we shared a home together, and she decided to go to the kitchen, grab a knife and stab me with it during a fight?

I could not help but think: What if we had kids and she got one of her episodes and hurt one of our children.

This now involves my safety and the safety of my future family.

How far would she go?

I still love her after all of that. I don't understand why I do, but I just do. I can't understand why. It is just not her fault that she is like that, and I know that. But she is refusing any idea of her seeking professional help and saying that she wants to fix her issues on her own. Everytime I mention professional help, she gets angry.

I am seeing the therapist again, and we are working on my assertiveness. Turns out I am very non-assertive. Also, low self-esteem. I have been more assertive with her, which she doesn't like, but trying to get her used to that.

I no longer respond to her "I am going to kill myself" threats. She accuses me of not caring, so I found away around that by telling her: "I really don't want you to do that, and don't recommend you to do so as a person that cares about you. But it is your life and your choice." She keeps on doing it until she disappears for 10-15 minutes, then comes back. And starts making illogical demands of me. Like driving for an hour and a half at 4 am in the morning to see her for a bit so she could get a hug.

She also always seems to put the blame on me, for everything. And can never blame herself for anything.

Anyway, part of me can't stand her hit anymore, and the other part just loves her and keeps showering her with gifts and affection. It is because I love part of her so much, the sweet happy part, and I despise that other angry part.

I am not sure what to do, really. I either have to just end it and move on, or I have to just find ways to deal with her and get her problems fixed.

I know that I am probably better off with her, but I love her so much.

I have so much more to say, but I don't want this to become a gigantic post.

What's your advice and what do you think?

[Lady31]

Well, my first piece of advice would be to never hit/push her again.  No matter what she does!  Here is the thing- she could bait you into that and then call the cops on you.

My H was pushing me, pulling my hair & slapping me in the face while we were driving down the road.  As soon as I called my father on the phone in the back ground he was yelling "Quit hitting me, quit pulling my hair!"  All this while SMIRKING at me thinking that it would be my word against his!  Little did he know that I had my phone video recording before and during this episode because his rage was getting out of control in the car.  So if he had pushed it - he would really be in serious trouble. 

If I hadn't recorded it and him known I had - he very likely would have said I was the one doing it as he was trying to make it sound like to my dad while I was on the phone with him.

Be very, very careful.

And the other thing I would say is you won't just "get her problem fixed" - NOT going to happen.  I do believe they can get better - but she is not even willing to get help.  Also, she has to want to get help for herself, NOT because you try to get her to do it.

[KellyO]

This was horrible reading, and I'm so sad for you. There is much I could say, but I don't know how much it would help. But one thing I want to tell you about blackmailing and threating: don't go for it, and don't believe it. My ex used to threaten me that he will start drinking again because of me, and it would be my fault. Too bad, it worked. Threatening suicide did not work for me (I had gone through that with different ex and learnt my lesson), but blaiming me for wanting to drink worked. The thing is: he has always his best interest in mind. He would never start drinking again because of other person. He can start drinking because he WANTS to, or for whatever reason he finds, but it will have nothing to do with any other person in this planet. Now when I know how his mind works, I'm sad I did not just tell him to open a bottle and have a drink for me.

I can imagine how satisfied he was with himself after I had bent backwards so he would not go and drink because of me. BS BS BS!

Only person you are responsible of is yourself and if you have children some day, you are responsible for those for some time. Others, you are not responsible for other peoples actions.

[raindancer]

"I am not sure what to do, really. I either have to just end it and move on, or I have to just find ways to deal with her and get her problems fixed."

You can't "get her problems fixed" - she has to decide to do that for herself. Sadly, it could mean she has to flat-out hit rock bottom before she does. Saving her and rescuing her from situations she creates cannot/will not open her eyes to what she does, it will only perpetuate a cycle of drama/rescue, drama/rescue, drama/rescue until you are an empty shell of a person.

Understand, she has an illness that you cannot cure - she has to decide she wants to work on curing herself. You can learn how validate and work with her but you cannot fix her.

You can work on yourself, recognise what you need to change to be stronger so that you are not her whipping post, her 24/7 knight in shining armor, her go-to fix it man... .

Reality is she is verbally, emotionally and now physically abusive. That will not stop unless you stop the cycle. The cycle stops with you - setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, being assertive etc. if necessary it means leaving (but that's your decision) ----------------> lessons 1 - Stop The Bleeding through 5 - Take Inventory... .

If you read nothing else read the articles about how a relationship with BPD progresses AND the one about Healthy Relationships AND the one about co-dependency.

The direction you're heading in is co-dependent purgatory (where your life depends on her actions, moods, needs, wants on and on and on until you no longer trust your own judgment, your own needs and wants, your own ability to function). That's not a healthy place to be and the only one who can keep you from staying there is you. Maybe a bit harsh but I've been there and it is NOT anywhere I'd want to see anyone.


And, no, it doesn't get better if you decide to have kids with her. Read the article about how parents with BPD affect their children.

- excuse my bluntness on this - when you walk in the rain with this girl, take it upon yourself to wear a raincoat.

[Clearmind]

Can you help me understand why its puzzling to you?

Obviously, I am sorry to hear things are tough. You are a newbie and while this all seems very over whelming we can certainly listen and offer some suggestions (from experience).

We can contribute to the dysfunction by enabling – we think we are helping however we are not! Using the skype calls as an example – I do realize this is no longer an issue however your lack of boundaries maybe is something you can work on. Tending to her skype calls is not helpful for you – you also need a life independent of her. This is something only you can change by establishing some boundaries.

It’s not OK for her to hit you! And it’s never OK to hit back. Obviously, this 20 minute interaction was caused by you both. Why did this happen? And why didn’t you walk away? You got angry and you retaliated – not helpful. By hitting back you are not showing her how to act during a disagreement – you are contributing to it.

This relationship is not healthy – you have the choice to ultimately decide however I do see you may need to help yourself a bit. You are part of the dance.