Can't do It

[PascalB]

I have manged to separate from my BPD wife now for about 5 months however we have had contact for kids and that she works with me. I also have had weakness and had sex with her (wish I didn't) but the big problem is she keeps asking me to tell her if its Over. We had made this decision together and mutually agreed to get a divorce 6 months ago and now she is putting it all on me. I really want to follow through but just cant get the balls to say it and do it. I'm afraid of what will follow I guess?

[PascalB]

Anyone have any suggestions on how to let her know that I want to move forward with the divorce and limit her anger?

[csswift]

I have been wondering the same thing. I think being straight forward with her might be the best approach, and taking a very very deep breath. I just know it most likely won't be easy.

[Cumulus]

How do you control someone else's anger? I thought I was a master, placating, loving, understanding, speaking softly, caring, anticipating unpleasant events. Didn't work for me. I can't control anyone else's anger. I can only do what I think is best for me, it was his choice to be angry or not. I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with right now, I know it isn't easy when you want to be kind and caring, yet feel you must do something that will hurt. I wish you wisdom as you make your decisions.

[PascalB]

I guess your right I must tell her the truth as this is the hardest thing I have ever done for the fact that I'm the most caring person and hurting someone is totally the opposite of me... .

[ForeverDad]

If you are contemplating divorce, be very, very cautious about informing her or sharing information with a soon-to-be-ex (stbEx).  Often when we do so it turns out to be self-sabotaging.

How so?  If you tell stbEx that you're done, you've moved the relationship to a new level, closer to The End. Likely there will be heightened conflict which you may be unprepared for.  What if her response is to counter your move aggressively in an attempt to gain the advantage?  What if she decides to get you removed from your home by calling the police, framing you with false allegations of DV or even child abuse?

I would strongly recommend you get confidential legal advice from at least one experienced and perceptive family law attorney, and multiple consultations if possible.  The 'obligation' to share anything and everything with your spouse starts ending if the marriage is ending.  The lawyer can advise you what you can say and what you shouldn't say.  Family court does not revolve around justice and fairness.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.  What makes common sense to you and us doesn't apply in a courtroom scenario.

In other words, protect yourself well, even from yourself and your otherwise good intentions.

Remember the F.O.G. often mentioned here... . Fear, Obligation, Guilt.