My Mind Is So Messed Up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was on here 5 years ago going through a terrible ordeal with my BPDw.  It had to do with her cheating and me hanging on, I was very codependent and so forth.

After 5 years, our life is still a mess.  We stayed together before, I lost my job a year later, we made a major move for a job with our 3 kids and year ago her father died, with whom she was very close.

Needless to say, my BPDw is also Bipolar.  Our marriage is filled with her verbally abusing me, now recently telling me that we should separate and then blaming me for being open to it.  We have zero sex life and she is pretty cold in generally as far as intimacy goes.  I do about 80% of the housework (kids help a little), pay all the bills, and take care of most everything while she sits around depressed or whatever all day.

Part of me thinks it is time to move on, but I have alot of my own guilt and have reservations about just putting my foot down and saying alright, it is time to separate.

Can anyone heed some advice?

[yogi bear]

I was on here 5 years ago going through a terrible ordeal with my BPDw.  It had to do with her cheating and me hanging on, I was very codependent and so forth.

After 5 years, our life is still a mess.  We stayed together before, I lost my job a year later, we made a major move for a job with our 3 kids and year ago her father died, with whom she was very close.

Needless to say, my BPDw is also Bipolar.  Our marriage is filled with her verbally abusing me, now recently telling me that we should separate and then blaming me for being open to it.  We have zero sex life and she is pretty cold in generally as far as intimacy goes.  I do about 80% of the housework (kids help a little), pay all the bills, and take care of most everything while she sits around depressed or whatever all day.

Part of me thinks it is time to move on, but I have alot of my own guilt and have reservations about just putting my foot down and saying alright, it is time to separate.

Can anyone heed some advice?

[whereisthezen]

Yogi bear,

I'm glad you're here. There is comfort in knowing others even in an online community are able to understand those heavy decisions and the conflict you have been going through.

I applaud you that you're taking care of your children and responsibilities despite the issues your partner is going through. You're a very good example of a role model and caretaker for your children.

The family board might connect you with others, especially fathers with BPD spouses to give some fresh ideas and insight during your undecided time, you may want to give it a look.

What is helping me in my r/s is taking care of myself & going to CoDa meetings, are there any you could attend in your area? It helps me to stay in reality, realize my behaviors and escape the world of my BPD partner. I recommend it highly, 3 meetings should let you know if its a help to you to continue. Its like AA for codependents.

Wishing you relief & strength!

[WalrusGumboot]

Part of me thinks it is time to move on, but I have alot of my own guilt and have reservations about just putting my foot down and saying alright, it is time to separate.

Can anyone heed some advice?

You admit you are undecided, so any any movement towards separation will be met with a lot of resistance, your own guilt.

I spent the vast majority of my time here as Undecided. One can spend a lot of time at this crossroad.  When I moved to the Leaving board, I knew it was time and felt I had the strength to follow through, which I did. You also will know when it is time.

[yogi bear]

A month ago she mentioned separating and I was mixed.  She took that to mean that I was certain I wanted to leave.  I will admit that I have put forth less effort in our marriage over the last year, but it has a lot to do with just being tired and feeling trapped myself.

I love her.  Much of the time we get along fine, but she has recently stopped taking Zoloft, tried some Bipolar meds prescribed by her Psychiatrist, and with her now pushing me to make a decision on separating, which I am hesitant to do, things seem to be getting more chaotic.

She told me twice in the last two weeks I needed to move out, both times when she was angry about something that happened.  Both of these occurrences she saw in a totally different light than the way it occurred, but saw it unfolding the way she wanted to see it.

She did mention marriage counseling yesterday, but I don't know how serious she is about it.  She has said no to MC many times before now.

[Clearmind]

yogi, when we provide so much and negate our needs we do get lost in the abyss. How can you change this?

[yogi bear]

A big part of me feels like I am ready to move on, but I have 3 teenagers, so I have a lot of guilt about feeling that way.

[Clearmind]

OK, fair enough.

How can you make this better? How can make steps towards looking after you a bit more? We are a better support and parent for our kids when we show that we are also looking after ourselves.

I have a BPD parent and its amazing how my relationship skills were modelled on theirs. Be mindful of what role you play here.

[em754]

Hi Yogi,

Sorry about your situation, it is very similar to mine. My wife also suffers from Bi-polar, but the last two years have been from BPD. I was pulling my hair out in frustration as I had no understanding of her current behaviour until I saw a psychiatrist for my own depression caused by my situation, he was the first person to tell me what the problem was. It was as if somebody turned on the lights.

I did go to a number of marriage counselling session with my wife, but it did not help much as she refused to mention Bi-polar, and also forbade me from doing so.

Most reasons for our problems were shifted to me, with her painting herself an angel. Needless to say, it did not benefit us much.

We are still together but I think it is more a case of me hanging on, and I feel that she would be quite happy to part. I have three adult sons who are very supportive, two of them are urging me to make a move and start a new life, but I still love my wife deeply, although it is fair to say that I don't like her very much at the moment. I am just hoping things will get better.

[crankshaft25]

I'm currently going through something similar.  Been with my SO for almost 7 years and we have a 4 year old son who is the happiest boy I've ever met!

She has mentioned that she wants to leave and hasn't thought about killing herself since she's been thinking that way.

It's been almost 2 months since we've been intimate and if I try to give her a hug she gets stiff as a board.

I'd love to tell her to leave but she has never been able to have a job for more that a few months and I worry about what sort of live our son would have with her.  When he'd be with me it'd be great as I have a stable job and could afford a modest house but where we live there aren't many apartments and she has stated that she wants our son to grow up near his friend and grandparents (my parents)

my mind has been in a fog for most of those 2 months

[yogi bear]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through crank.

As for me, my wife has told me twice within a month to leave out of anger.  I finally told her that I was moving out in the next month.  She has gone ballistic and is hurting my children sulking and blaming it all on me.

I guess I will journey over to the "Leaving" board.

[cult]

I was on here 5 years ago going through a terrible ordeal with my BPDw.  It had to do with her cheating and me hanging on, I was very codependent and so forth.

After 5 years, our life is still a mess.  We stayed together before, I lost my job a year later, we made a major move for a job with our 3 kids and year ago her father died, with whom she was very close.

Needless to say, my BPDw is also Bipolar.  Our marriage is filled with her verbally abusing me, now recently telling me that we should separate and then blaming me for being open to it.  We have zero sex life and she is pretty cold in generally as far as intimacy goes.  I do about 80% of the housework (kids help a little), pay all the bills, and take care of most everything while she sits around depressed or whatever all day.

Part of me thinks it is time to move on, but I have alot of my own guilt and have reservations about just putting my foot down and saying alright, it is time to separate.

Can anyone heed some advice?

Hi Yogi,

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I think I saw a more recent post from you where you indicated that you did in fact decide to leave your wife. In my case I think I am in the process of being dumped. My SO has been dropping serious hints and I can't let her go. She asked me point blank if I wanted her to move out and I told her no. I keep hoping she'll change her mind.  Not proud of it, but there it is. I am also very codependent (don't know if you still are or not) and while I am getting help, I haven't thrown the yoke off enough to set the boundaries I really need to set.

But mostly I wanted to say that my mind is messed up too. I also pay all the bills while she sits around depressed all day. Now she is blaming me for the state of her life and has painted me as a controlling ogress who deliberately stymied her dreams.    Nothing could be further from the truth, but I did engage in controlling behavior with her which she accepted, so I will need to own up to that.

Let's support each other through this mess. We both deserve better.

[yogi bear]

Your situation sounds like mine 5 years ago.  The only way we made it through is cause I was superglue and didn't let all of her negative behavior ruin things, i.e. adultery, abusive behavior, etc.

I hope things work out for you.  Understand that you have to get past the codependence.  It was a very step for me 5 years ago then I fell back into it.  She shouldn't blame you, but she will.  So you have to know who you are and where you want to be further along in your life.