Finding everything to get mad at me for

[JaneRain]

My boyfriend has undiagnosed BPD, and he often accuses me of doing things "unprude" and "slutty" and that offend his Conservatism (I am a Liberal). Usually it's my shirt is too see-through and I'm crazy for buying it, or my cleavage is too visible or my shorts are too short.

But yesterday was something that really opened my eyes, and I realized I don't deserve to deal with him anymore. We were at the gym together and he wanted me to stick by his side and do the things he was doing, but I am not a bodybuilder and I wanted to do cardio and ab workouts. He was a bit annoyed I did my own thing, but didn't really bother me about it. I was wearing a dance leotard, baggy sweatpants and a jacket plus no makeup and messy hair. Not sexy at all. However, while we walked in, I tied my shoes on a bench, which of course requires bending over to tie them. Harmless. I know I didn't do anything wrong. However, the whole time at the gym my boyfriend looked furious and completely ignored my existence. He ignored me on the car ride home, and ignored me when we got back to his house.

He finally told me that I bent over on purpose, showing my ass, to a group of guys that were working out behind me, and that when I finished tying the shoes I got up and looked at them to "see if they noticed me". He then told me dating me was a mistake and we're not right for eachother, then in the middle of the night wrestled me back to him and kissed me and asked for me back. He was also upset in the morning that I didn't want to wait in his room for him until 6 pm (with no food, tv or computer) when he got out of work to be with him more (stating I would've loved to do it "before".

It's just gotten to a point I don't want to put up with this anymore. It's very heartbreaking because we were beautiful together. The perfect couple for half a year. Then he spun out of control. I love him so much, and I know he loves me, but I guess the love of a BPD person is twisted, and I don't know if it's even worth it. Help? Advice? Thanks.

[MindfulMan]

KelseyRain

It doesn't matter if the BPD is male or female.  The relationship you think you are having is not the same relationship he is having.  When its good its at the idealization stage.  Unfortunately that doesn't last very long.  They looking for ways to feed their vampirish needs for attention. And when they don't get it, they paint you black, they rage at you, they gaslight you.

Gaslighting is is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.  That is what is happening here.

My exBPDgf left for the second time claiming she needed time alone because she was "afraid" of me.  Treated her like a queen - a little too good, and for her, that was getting too close.  Now, three weeks after leaving, she is all over facebook deciding how long before her next relationship and I have become the latest story of the man that "wronged" her.  Just like all the other men in her life.

You don't deserve to put up with this at all.  Your need for that Idealization fix is what is driving you.  The problem is that we nonBPD invest our hearts only to find out that we have been used for their own gain.  They neither have the compassion or the empathy to handle any kind of intimate relationship.  Its not about you - but 6 months is about as long as it lasts.  Mine lasted exactly 5 months - twice. 

This is not "love" like you know it.  It is NEED - his need.  When he tells you he loves you, he is saying "I need you to love me".  What you feel and what he is feeling are two different things.  It is very important you get some help to be a bit selfish and start taking care of yourself.  You cannot help him or fix him.  Turn that love you have to yourself.

You deserve and need it most of all.

[KellyO]

Say goodbye to the relationship you thought you had, it never comes back. There is no point to bend backwards in hope to get it back, it will not come back. Let me repeat myself, it will not come back. Right now he is testing you. It will get only worse. If you manage to keep some boundaries he will try to rip them down, every day, and if you give up with your boundaries, he will get just worse. You can only loose. It does not matter if he has some sort disorder or not, he is abusive, and it will not end. Excuse me if my words are harsh, but I so much want to save every woman from going through the same hell I was in.

Threatening to leave you and then benevolently deciding he will not leave you after all, maybe you deserve  other chance is abuse. I'm sure you feel abused. My ex did this all the time, and with a smug smile in his face. Nothing can make me believe he was just confused with this feelings. He was not. He was testing me.

There is lots of talk about disordered partner idealizing. My experience is that we BOTH indealized. I idealized him too, and that is the reason I gave him benefit of doubt, again and again. I kept idealizing him long after he had decided I'm pitch black. You see, more I gave up to his testing and bizarre behaviour, more evidence he got that there must be something wrong with ME.

[Clearmind]

Controlling behavior is abusive and not OK.

If he criticises your see through shirt what do you do and say?

[Jeansok]

Wow the more I read these posts the more wow factor kicks in. My husband is just like this! We've been married two years in Oct have an almost one year old boy. Ge has packed up his things in crazy fits if rage multiple times threatening to leave. Called me every name in the book throwing breaking things. Throwing away his wedding ring and making comments like signing the papers tomorrow (divorce) and telling me he's done he can't deal with me anymore like I have the issue. Im not perfect and could def do things better myself. But I know this isnt normal behavior either. Its emotionally exausting. Everything I do wrong is always the latest reasons he justifies his behavior. I dont know what to do. I dont want our family to be broken up and I dont want this to continue. Ive been married before and im determined to do everything I xan I dont kniw if I can go thru another divorce with too many families at stake. But I also dont know if I can live the rest of my life like this. He's absolutely wonderful to be around when he's ok charming loving funny gentleman... . when he's not I could be dying and he'd want nothing to do with me. Its very hard

[em754]

I am constantly going through this. "Gaslighting'. Reading one of the above posts I now understand what it means:).

My wife of 32 years has been like this constantly for the past two years, it is incredibly depressing. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for depression which started as situational, but has now become clinical. She suffered from Bi-polar for many years and I found that far easier to live with, at least there were long periods of normality.

There is no honesty, accusations are constant, the slightest comment causes threats of divorce and everything said by me is twisted into a negative against her. I am hanging on in an attempt to salvage the marriage, but not really holding out much hope at the moment. I still keep hoping that she will start to turn around, but reading from everyone else's experiences it is looking less likely.

[Jeansok]

I know what you meam em 754. Feel damned if I do damned if I dont. I have faith beleif and hope but like you after reading more about this im afraid that is dwindling. I know there are success stoties on here though I think its all a matter if setting boundaries and if I can be happy living the rest of my life like this, but more importantly my children. Till death do us part? Its all so confusin on what is right. I have faith but even God leads you in other directions for the sake of our well being. So this is a struggle for me.

[TXwoman]

I know this story only too well. I have been married to my BPDh for 33 years.   Approx 8 years ago I started researching the things I noticed about his behavior.  He was a master at twisting every situation to where it was my fault. He started having major depression and held me accountable for fixing it.   I felt so helpless and started research and little by little learned about BPD.  It was so enlightening for me, as I know it had to be for you.   We have had major ups and downs.  He has seen psych and therapist.  Has taken meds. Which were a miracle! Prob is... . He is in denial and doesn't want to contin taking meds.   He feels that he can do it on his own.  Hence, problems again... .   I wish the best for you.   This is all on a continuum and you have to decide what you (and your children- mine are grown, thank heavens) will tolerate.  There ARE success stories.  He will have to take responsibity for his actions though.   

Much luck to you!

[Jeansok]

Thx TX! He has agreed to see someone with me that specializes in this kind if thing so we will see!... . Yes this all has been very enlightening and will continue on and pray... .

[MockingbirdHL]

Jeansok - our stories are so similar. My H acts the same way you describe. I feel the same way you describe. I've also been married before and I told my H when we got married that it was for good and I meant it. I cannot go through another divorce.

[Jeansok]

Hi MockingbirdHL - how long have you guys been married and do you guys have kids?

[MockingbirdHL]

We've been together over 3 years but only married for one. We each have one D but no kids together.