So Confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everybody,

I have been on these boards for a long time, for different reasons. Most recently my formerly happy relationship of 10 years has hit some very hard times. As the title of my thread states, I am indeed so confused. This is my first post on the Undecided board since I do not know which direction I want or need to go. In some ways it seems like staying is the best possible thing; in other ways, it seems like my only choice is to leave and start my life over. And in another way it seems like all that is really needed right now is some space.

I am working on myself and I'm uncovering some very painful issues, severe codependency and even (to be honest) some BPDish traits in myself: frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, splitting to some degree. Add to this the fact that this year my partner turned 40. She is very unhappy with her life and because of the circumstances of the last few years (she is jobless, I pay all the bills and have been the more vocal, dominant and outwardly functional of the two of us since 2009), she SEEMS to be blaming me for her predicament. As I have posted elsewhere on the board, she is also dealing with the aftereffects of a rape she experienced while in college 20 years ago. She is just now getting in touch with her feelings about this. She is in a deep depression and possibly has PTSD as well. She is in therapy three times per week and is starting meds soon. She is totally unmedicated right now.

She is shutting me out of her life almost completely, and she is spending a great deal of time (since I am the only one working and she is home by herself) with a friend of hers. They text all the time too. This friend is an older male whom she used to work with; we are a same sex couple. She isn't being secretive about this friendship so I do not suspect a physical affair, but I know that she is going to him, instead of me, to meet her emotional needs right now. And while I am glad that she has a friend she can confide in and with whom she feels safe, I feel a gamut of emotions about the fact that I used to be that person for her, and now I have been banished. We still share a bed and she allows me occasional kisses good night and brief hugs, but aside from that all physical affection has essentially ceased. And forget about sex - that's been done for a couple of months now. This is totally uncharacteristic for us and I am having a hard time coping with it. She still tells me she loves me and uses our little terms of endearment that all couples have, and I am hanging on to that as an indicator that there may be hope still.

I am really working hard on my codependency and the havoc it has wreaked everywhere in my life, but particularly in this relationship. I know that if I had boundaries with her that I would feel better. I am very enmeshed; she is freeing herself from that enmeshment, which I think is a good thing actually, but she is doing so with no consideration for me, no sensitivity for me. That's where I have a big problem and why I feel so abandoned and hurt.

I have tried to talk to her about how I feel in an effort to get some compromise. She absolutely refuses to engage with me. She says she has nothing to give me and that she is empty. Every week she gets colder and more distant. About a month ago she threw her arms around me sobbing, and told me how much she loved me. It was then that she first said that she was feeling "dead inside." I think that at least some of this is her untreated depression. I am hoping that when she gets medicated that she might be more able to have a real discussion. We did talk this week some, and she did agree with me that we should try to rebuild our relationship keeping the good and fixing the dysfunctional aspects. But I need boundaries first and I am still working on those. I don't want to make a quick decision based on my emotions that may end up being premature.

But on the OTHER hand our lease is coming up for renewal and even without all of these other troubling issues, I cannot continue paying for everything. That is a big part of the problem between us and obviously it is a huge burden for me and one I cannot continue to carry.

Help!

[cult]

Hi everybody,

I have been on these boards for a long time, for different reasons. Most recently my formerly happy relationship of 10 years has hit some very hard times. As the title of my thread states, I am indeed so confused. This is my first post on the Undecided board since I do not know which direction I want or need to go. In some ways it seems like staying is the best possible thing; in other ways, it seems like my only choice is to leave and start my life over. And in another way it seems like all that is really needed right now is some space.

I am working on myself and I'm uncovering some very painful issues, severe codependency and even (to be honest) some BPDish traits in myself: frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, splitting to some degree. Add to this the fact that this year my partner turned 40. She is very unhappy with her life and because of the circumstances of the last few years (she is jobless, I pay all the bills and have been the more vocal, dominant and outwardly functional of the two of us since 2009), she SEEMS to be blaming me for her predicament. As I have posted elsewhere on the board, she is also dealing with the aftereffects of a rape she experienced while in college 20 years ago. She is just now getting in touch with her feelings about this. She is in a deep depression and possibly has PTSD as well. She is in therapy three times per week and is starting meds soon. She is totally unmedicated right now.

She is shutting me out of her life almost completely, and she is spending a great deal of time (since I am the only one working and she is home by herself) with a friend of hers. They text all the time too. This friend is an older male whom she used to work with; we are a same sex couple. She isn't being secretive about this friendship so I do not suspect a physical affair, but I know that she is going to him, instead of me, to meet her emotional needs right now. And while I am glad that she has a friend she can confide in and with whom she feels safe, I feel a gamut of emotions about the fact that I used to be that person for her, and now I have been banished. We still share a bed and she allows me occasional kisses good night and brief hugs, but aside from that all physical affection has essentially ceased. And forget about sex - that's been done for a couple of months now. This is totally uncharacteristic for us and I am having a hard time coping with it. She still tells me she loves me and uses our little terms of endearment that all couples have, and I am hanging on to that as an indicator that there may be hope still.

I am really working hard on my codependency and the havoc it has wreaked everywhere in my life, but particularly in this relationship. I know that if I had boundaries with her that I would feel better. I am very enmeshed; she is freeing herself from that enmeshment, which I think is a good thing actually, but she is doing so with no consideration for me, no sensitivity for me. That's where I have a big problem and why I feel so abandoned and hurt.

I have tried to talk to her about how I feel in an effort to get some compromise. She absolutely refuses to engage with me. She says she has nothing to give me and that she is empty. Every week she gets colder and more distant. About a month ago she threw her arms around me sobbing, and told me how much she loved me. It was then that she first said that she was feeling "dead inside." I think that at least some of this is her untreated depression. I am hoping that when she gets medicated that she might be more able to have a real discussion. We did talk this week some, and she did agree with me that we should try to rebuild our relationship keeping the good and fixing the dysfunctional aspects. But I need boundaries first and I am still working on those. I don't want to make a quick decision based on my emotions that may end up being premature.

But on the OTHER hand our lease is coming up for renewal and even without all of these other troubling issues, I cannot continue paying for everything. That is a big part of the problem between us and obviously it is a huge burden for me and one I cannot continue to carry.

Help!

[hithere]

She says she has nothing to give me and that she is empty. Every week she gets colder and more distant.

She sounds depressed... .

I don't see a way for this to end well.  How about therapy? You definitely need to set up some boundaries and expectations, shying away from this will leave you in the same place a year from now and possibly a decade from now.

[cult]

She says she has nothing to give me and that she is empty. Every week she gets colder and more distant.

She sounds depressed... .

I don't see a way for this to end well.  How about therapy? You definitely need to set up some boundaries and expectations, shying away from this will leave you in the same place a year from now and possibly a decade from now.

I feel that you are right. In one way breaking up is my worst nightmare and fear, and on the other hand it would be a relief and a chance to start my life over. I am not being treated in a loving and respectful way. Really, that should be the case in any relationship, but particularly one this long lasting. I mean, 10 years is a long time! You are right as well that if I do not draw some boundaries this will probably never end. I am unearthing so many feelings as this situation unfolds. I have so much resentment, and so many expectations. Such is the path of the codependent. I am angry and resentful too because I just learned that she is texting her friend ALL DAY LONG, and seeing him for hours at a time at least once per week. They are both unemployed. Meanwhile, she makes it very clear that she does not want to spend any time with me whatsoever. She says she has to do what "she" wants to do. By her behavior, it seems obvious that time with me is not what "she" wants.  Well, perhaps keeping her fed, clothed and roofed is not what "I" want any longer!

[Clearmind]

Cult, I think boundaries are certainly important - having no boundaries can lead to resentment for other person and can ultimately be the relationships undoing. You can fix that.

Enabling/being nice/over accomodating ---> Anger and resentment

Fear is big and something many of us struggle with. I feared setting boundaries with my partner because he would revolt and my own abandonmnet fears would kick in. Is this a good thing? I think so ~ we need to be more assertive and your partner needs to be enabled less. Your decision make come in time Cult - set some boundaries - her reaction will be telling.

All the best.