very tired and discouraged

[jellibeans]

My dd5 has been home for two weeks now and it seems the longer she is home the more angry she gets. I have tried to validate and be understanding. I have given her room to adjust and at times even ignored her mad mood and behavior. She is at an out patient program and I drive her every morning... . it takes me an hour to get her there and way over an hour to return... . driving through the worst traffic. I do this so she doesn't have to take the bus which would mean her getting up an hour earlier at 5:30am... . after this morning I told her she is going to be on the bus tomorrow. The whole way to school she raged at me. It was exhausting.

It started last night and I was up to way past midnight... . she is just so angry all the time.

Her sister came home  and came upstairs to talk with me... . my husband was watching TV downstairs and he turned theTV up super loud. DD was annoyed by this and asked him to turn it down but he told her he couldn't hear the TV. So DD yelled upstair for us to keep it down.(I just want to say for the record we were having a normal conversation and were not talking loud) My older daughter was not happy at DD's request and told her to shut up... . this started it all. My dd then quickly resorted to swearing and telling her sister off. I stepped in and told them both to stop and tried to correct both of their behaviors.

I also added to my H that it was really not necessary to turn up the TV so loud (this is my husband's passive agressive response to everything) He has a thing about sound... . he mutes all commericals... . if you are to walk into the room while he is watching TV he psuses it until you leave... . he is annoyed if someone rings our doorbell... . he doesn't like the phone and god forbid if the dog barks. It is like having a third child and he just doesn't help.

After this it was just one thing after another with DD... . she was in the worst mood and so angry... . I was up way past midnight trying to talk with her. I thought we ended things well and she finally went to bed but this morning she didn't get up for school on time. She was tired and her mood was still angry. The ride to school was one attack after another... . I stayed cool and calm but the calmer I was the more she raged. I dropped her off and drove home just a sad as can be. I am so discouraged and tired. I just feel like crying all the time.

She hates going to the out patient program because she has therapy 4 hours a day... . she has been trying to finsih off her school so she can stop going. That is the only thing she keeps saying to me... . she wants out of the program and is angry she is there. She is not vested in the program or trying to use any of the skills they taught her at RTC... . I have been looking for a new RTC but I have not found one that I like... . I feel so lost and truly sad about everything.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Cici]

Given all the reservations I've had about Falcon Ridge Ranch, I'd encourage you to investigate it further.  It has a highly structured environment and they seem to be able to deal with the most difficult behaviors.  Although I didn't want d13 in an environment I felt was so restrictive, she thanks me for putting her there.  In hearing more about her peers she is with it seems that your dd may truley benefit.  It's not cheap, it's not easy being out of touch for the first 3 weeks, it's not easy not having free communication after those 3 weeks.  I don't agree with everything they do.  But if my daughter had cancer, I would pursue all the god awful chemo treatments, radiation therapies, stem cell transplants etc to treat her.  I wouldn't like those treatments, they would physically, emotionally painful.  But I would choose them.  That is how I had to look at the treatment at FRR. 

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[jellibeans]

I did fill out all the paper work for FRR... . I just had a problem with the communication part as well.

My dd just called from school to say she is sick and wants me to come pick her up. I asked to speak with her therapist and he told me that they had called the nurse to look at her and that he would call me back. This is the same pattern she was in earlier this year... . calling and texting from school to come get her. I am not sure why they let her call... . surely they know what she is doing? I had sent a long email to her therapist after I got home this morning tell him about her behavior.

She is just going back to her same behavior as before... . she has improved with some coping skills but really the angry is hard to take... .

[griz]

jellibeans:  This reminded me so much of my DD and her older sister. Although it is better now, my older daughter would get annoyed with DD for something similar like DD requesting that we talk in another room but it would always be with an attitude. This would make my older daughter mad (usually because she just had enough of DD) and would say things like, grow up, or shut up or too bad.  I don't know why but these little altercations between them would escalate and send DD right over the edge, taking days to calm down.  I sat down with my older daughter and validated how she was feeling and told her that often I felt the same way, however I asked for her cooperation and try to hold her temper or any snotty retorts.  I explained that I know this felt unfair and if her sister didn't have issues it would be, but I needed her help. 

I believe in alot of ways for my DD, her sister is exactly what she thinks she cannot be.  She is independent, successful and has never had any MI or emotional issues.  Can you imagine how hard it is for our girls to see this everyday.  Even if they are the ones that are always being coddled, taken care of and fussed over, they have this other person standing right in front of them who seems to have it all together.  This seemed to really become apparent to me, when last year my older daughter had a large issue to deal with over something she did and DD was very understanding and wanted to be there to help her.  She actually gave her older sister some advice.

\How many years are they apart in age.  Do you think you could sit down privately and enlist your daughters hep while letting her know that you know how hard it is.

Griz

[jellibeans]

Griz

I do believe we are living in parallel universes! You have so many similar stories to mine. I did talk with my older dd who is 18 and getting ready to graduate. I tried and begged her to please try and be understanding and that her sister is going through a lot right now and needs us. Needs her... . I really don't think she heard me... . I will try again with her tonight and see if I can get through to her.

I think the real problem there lies in that my older dd is graduating next week. I am have been busy getting decoration together and maybe this has upset her too. They are as different as night and day. When dd15 came home from RTC my older d took her shopping and bought her a new dress and really tried to help her feel at home but my older d feels like she doesn't appreciate it. She often speaks rudely to us and to her. You would think my dd15 was the oldest the way she bosses everyone around.

My dd15 has come to me a couple of times to complain about her sister and to tell me she is no angle and does all kinds of stuff I would not like. I told her that her sister is older and that she is going off to college in a couple of months and that I need to step back and let her be responsible for herself. I will not be with her when she is in college. I think my dd15 is jealous of this... . my dd18 is escaping from this hell hole of family and get away... . my dd15 wants that badly and is angry a bit about it. My older dd with take her out of ice cream and on the weekends they will go for dinner and such but my dd18 just tolerates her and really doesn't enjoy being with her.

My husband's brother and SIL are going to visit this weekend and will be here for a week... . why they are coming at this time is beyond me... . it will add to the stress we are all already going through. At least my h will be off the whole time and hopefully will help me with party plans and dd15 mood but he very often is no help at all.

I am having one of those days when I have lost hope... . tomorrow will be better and I will have more energy but today I feel a dark cloud above my head... . and I am numb.

[crazedncrazymom]

jellibeans

I'm so sorry things are going so rough right now.  You seem so frustrated and don't seem to be getting much support from you dh. I wish I could give you a hug because I bet you could use one right now. 

My DD was telling me over and over how much she hated rtf and was demanding that I bring her home.  Each and evry time I put the ball squarely in her court.  Sweety, you are in control of how long rtf lasts.  Start working with their program, even if it doesn't make sense to you, and start working with your family and you will be out sooner.  Keep acting the way you are and you will be in there forever.  I'm not sure if I got through to her or if she just got sick of me telling her how much power and control she has over this situation, but she hasn't been demanding I take her out anymore.

I hope things smooth out for your family and you all get some much needed and well deserved peace.

[jellibeans]

crazed

She is not in her RTC any more ... . she is in the out patient program but I have been looking for another RTC. The few weeks she was at the last RTC did very little for her. She needs something long term but my insurance did not think she needed to be there and I did not have any confidence in the program there.

thank you for your support... . today has not been good... . my older daughter is sick too and I can't help wonder if the stress has caused it. My whole family is struggling.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: I talked with my dd for a long time tonight. She told me she was sorry for the way she was behaving. She went on to tell me about the program she is at. She tells me she has no individual therapy. That the group has a wide range of ages starting at 8 years old and there are only two other her age. She says she doesn't get to participate with group and that the group seems to focus on one patient everyday. She feels she doesn't belong there and that she want to go back to her individual therapist and group. NOW I have no idea if any of this is true... . except the part that she hates it there. I have seen her really revert to old behaviors that I have not seen in some time. All in all I feel she is really struggling.

Tomorrow she is on the bus and has to get up very early. I feel she needs to feel the consequences of her behavior. I did try to validate her feelings and she seemed to feel better and didn't badger me to drive her in the morning. I hope tomorrow is a better day for her and for myself as well. I feel better that I was able to talk with my dd. I don't understand why she doesn't try to just talk with me?

[vivekananda]

jellibeans, it seems like you are tired, frustrated and uncertain. Please remember to take care of yourself.

Do you know what the treatment plan is for your dd? Do you know which therapy model they are using? Do you know what they are treating her for? And, can you ask them?

If your dd feels uncomfortable with her program, then it may help to know what it is they are doing. Why is there no individual therapy?

Can you ease your worries about this side of things by asking these questions?

With the IL's visiting, let them help you is what I reckon. They come at a time like this, then let them be the ones who can feel good by preparing meals and doing the housework! Or perhaps take your dd out somewhere so he can listen to the tv in peace... . there you go, I am taking on some of your frustration for you.  Now you can let it go, ok?

Cheers,

Viv   

[jellibeans]

Yes V... . I did that last night I asked all those question because I think that is what is troubling to us all. We received a plan in writing but I don't see how they are expected to achieve those goals. I have a meeting set up for tomorrow. I am feeling better with that in place. At this point I do feel she would get more from individual therapy with her old therapist and going back to her group of peers that are the same age range.

I am letting go... . thanks

ps... . I do not think I will get any help from visitors and in fact they will add to my burden. My husband will be the one getting the help from his brother and that is probably something he could use right now. He has been in a depression for sometime and it will be nice to have his brother here to listen and talk with him.

[vivekananda]

good luck for the meeting jellibeans. Don't wait on the IL's if you can avoid it, tend to your babies.

I hope it goes better then you think,

best wishes,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

jellibeans:  My DD was never at a RTC but she was placed in an outpatient program which someone told us was wonderful for their son and we went to interview them, spent time and asked tons of questions before she went.  She was there exactly two days and it was a horrible experience.  The first day she came home raging and angry. When I called them they told me that she needed time to adjust.  The second day there appeared to be an altercation in group and she was made to call me from there and tell me "what she did" (she stormed out of group).  When she got on the phone she was hysterically crying and begging me to come get her.  At the time my older daughter was home from college and she was listening in on the call.  The therapist got back on the phone and told me that I had to set boundaries and she had to adjust.  When we hung up my older daughter said, "mom, if  you don't go get her now, I will... . something is wrong".  We got in the car and went and got her.  On the way home she opened up to her sister about what was actually going on and why she stormed out of group and why she was so angry.  She told us that the group leader had asked the kids to share what they were getting out of this... . it was DD's 2nd day and she wasn't happy about being there and when it was her turn she said "nothing".  He then said to her, "okay well then just sit there and do nothing, you are one less kid I have to worry about".  DH and I went back the next day with DD and confronted him (this was very hard for DD) and finally admitted that he said this, his excuse was tough love. 

We took her home and went back to her individual therapist and DBT group and she did much better there.  When we changed DD's P a few weeks later and we told him where she had been he rolled his eyes and said I wish I knew you before you sent her there.  For some kids these outpatient treatment centers are good but not for everyone.  I guess my point is here that I know are kids aren't easy but sometimes we have to listen to them and take their lead.  Just as they are so emotionally sensitive and reactive to the world they are equally intuitive about what is working and what is not.

As far as talking to your older daughter.  It didn't take one conversation with my older daughter to change things.  It was multiple conversations and we even went to therapy together to talk about it.  In therapy it came out that she had alot of anger that our entire world revolved around DD and she was as exhausted as we were.  In therapy we talked about how we could change that and that included the two of us having dinner out together, alone, once in awhile.  I have conciously made an effort when my older daughter needs me and DD is pulling at me to say I will help you in a minute but right now your sister needs me and I have done this in front of both of them. The therapist also was able to help her to understand what I was going through as a mother, something that is hard to understand when you are the sibling not the mom or dad. 

I know how exhausting this all is.  I hope your meeting goes well and I hope you have a peace filled night.

Griz

[TopsyTurvy]

jellibeans, sorry you are feeling sad and discouraged. It is never easy to be on the receiving end of the anger and rants. But, good for you, for staying calm! I am sure you were hoping to see changes after your daughter's stay at the RTC. It must be frustrating to see her slipping back into old habits. I hope for peace for you and dd.

[lbjnltx]

I guess my point is here that I know are kids aren't easy but sometimes we have to listen to them and take their lead.  Just as they are so emotionally sensitive and reactive to the world they are equally intuitive about what is working and what is not.

This is sometimes true and sometimes we need to realize that our kids are being challenged to change or are feeling accountable and they are rebelling against this.  Time often tells which one it is. It is important to work with our children's treatment team and get feedback on the value of possible programs that they can participate in.  Fully investigate options before they attend.

It was multiple conversations and we even went to therapy together to talk about it.  In therapy it came out that she had alot of anger that our entire world revolved around DD and she was as exhausted as we were.  In therapy we talked about how we could change that and that included the two of us having dinner out together, alone, once in awhile.  I have conciously made an effort when my older daughter needs me and DD is pulling at me to say I will help you in a minute but right now your sister needs me and I have done this in front of both of them. The therapist also was able to help her to understand what I was going through as a mother, something that is hard to understand when you are the sibling not the mom or dad. 

Very wise move!

[jellibeans]

I have a meeting with her therapist this afternoon. He feels we already have everything in place for dd to be discharged from the out patient program. I think part of it is timing. These kids have been together for months and they are all close in their little groups. My dd feels like an outsider and she is.

I think what I learned from this whole thing including her RTC is that they are all short term. My dd can wait out these kinds of programs. She truly needs something long term. My search continues for a RTC. Reading the posts from LBJ from when her dd was at falcon Ridge shows me just the kind of therapy my dd needs. We will see how she does for the next month at home. If she continues to struggle the way she is then we will go forward with plan B.

We have family therapy on June 7th and I feel everyone needs to be there including my older dd. Our family is so broken right now.

Thanks Griz, Vivek , TT, crazed, cici and lbj... . I really value your input and wisdom... . I feel when you are in the middle of a storm it is not easy to see clearly... . it takes someone from outside sometimes to steer you in the right direction. Really what is comforting is to hear your stories and know that I am not alone. I am positive going forward... . we will get there even though we sometimes go back a step.