Finding compassion for self and DD on her way to jail

[qcarolr]

I wrote all this on another thread. It is easier to copy and paste here instead of writing again. Mindful prayer, asking for help from others, finding out what I need -- have found a reconnection with DD27 as she prepares for her hearing in 3 weeks. Got the floodlight out to find that elephant in the room that we were angrily dancing around and around. The summons - the one year sentence - the fear and panic.


Re: PERSPECTIVES: In[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] and the Dialectical Dilemma w/ BPD

« Reply #34 on: Today at 05:38:59 PM »

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Lunch today with DD and bfM at Wendy's. She asked ahead of time if he could come.  

Asked for ideas for her birthday next Monday - offered to take her out to dinner. She said "I would rather NOT do this as things have been getting out of control".  

She said - well money would be nice -- looked at me -- a gift card would be OK. To Ross? (no cash is one of our boundaries). Then she said a picnic in park near where she is staying with gd and the dogs and M would work for her bithday. We can do this - gd agrees too  

Gave her the summons letter. Said what we are willing to do for her while in jail -- $25/week in commissary and phone accout to my cell for $50 (this is about 10 phone calls, 15 min each) - 2 times a week. Suggested she practice her politeness behaviors. They don't care in jail - just lock you up for 24 hours. (M is shaking his head 'yes' - he has personal experience). She is breathing and quiet.  

Asked if she was doing the hearing on her own, or getting a public defender. She said she wants a lawyer, and she really needs me to go with her to ask the questions. She gets so confused. This is a real part of her learning disabilty. I can do this now. She is on her own once she is in jail.  

Also asked if she wants to refill her meds. before jail so she has a supply to start. Then she has time to get hooked up inside for more. She said - yes. I will try one more time to get an appt with her caregiver for meds. Their new system for appts is really crappy - same day only and all appts are filled within first 30 minutes. You'd think this was a ticket line for some great concert or something!  

Before I offered to meet with DD today, I spent some time in mindful prayer. I spent some time writing out what triggers me with DD and triggers her with me. Thought about what my needs are that maybe I am expecting DD to take care of for me.

And then I read Vivek 's reply below  


Quote from: Vivek ananda on Today at 02:02:37 AM

Compassion: self compassion and compassion for others. For strength look to the universe (God). For peace of mind, radical acceptance. For stability, identify your own emotional needs and understand what you need to do to meet them. For hope, make plans, short term and long term - for you, for your family, for your relationship with your dd.

Remember you cannot change this.

You are hurting, soothe yourself. You are grieving, be kind to yourself. You are angry, accept your powerlessness. You are tired, rest. You feel alone? Accept our love,

still thinking of you,

Vivek


So I am accepting my pain, my need to be soothed, my grief, my kindness to myself, my powerlessness, and my need for rest. And I know - really know -- that I am loved and never alone. I have God, and I have my friends here, I have dh who answers at work now when I call. And I am finding a safe way to share the love I have for my DD. And she was able to give some love back to me today.

I have no illusions about how hard jail will be for her for many reasons. And I have confidence she will survive the experience. I will take this time to work on my own recovery and healing, and to build up my r/s with gd and dh

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

qcarolr  

my prayers are for your comfort and continued radical acceptance

[BioAdoptMom3]

I cannot imagine your pain right now!  I do have to say that by reading your post it is obvious that your daughter is blessed to have you in her life!  I am praying fervently for you and your DD as we speak!  I wish I could take away your pain, but I can only promise that we will be here for you!   

[Reality]

qcaroir,

It is good that your dd and you are able to communicate again.  Maybe she will get the help she needs now.  Sometimes healing comes least when we expect.

Reality

[vivekananda]

       

Viv

[qcarolr]

Recovery and healing for DD is always a part of my hopes and prayers. I am being more successful at letting go of expectations and outcomes. That is where so much of my own distress and suffering has been coming from. I have 'known' this truth for a long time. It just went into hiding the past few months when DD stopped doing her probation and increased her aggressive behaviors. I shut down in an ineffective self protective mode - varying daily between fight/flight and freeze. Such a total imbalance in my brain function - body, mind and spirit MIA. All that was left was reacting from my emotions. Did not work out very well.

Working with my new T has redirected my focus. My homework: to practice my mindfulness skills. That was step one. For me this is mindfulness, meditative prayer. Step two: reaching out to friends that share my core values for support. They offered lots of prayer for me and my family too. Step three: having links put before me here at bpdfamily.com in various threads on boundaries, values, etc. and actually taking the time to READ THEM. Put in my favorites and came back to read and ponder and get some  .

Dh calling - we are evaluating getting solar on our house. Be back later.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

DD texting me today. Being kind, sort of. She always starts "what r u doing today", followed by wanting to come to house, wanting to have bf come with her, wanting momey. So it is really all about wanting money. For me, the kindness (wanting to spend time with me or be with us at house) is very manipulative. Looking for a warm, fuzzy button to push open my heart -- and shut off my mind and boudnaries.

Since I was nice to her yesterday, took her and bf to lunch, bought them some stuff at grocery store (essentials like toilet paper and shampoo, milk, eggs, icecream? - oh well one treat in there is OK) she seems to think our door is open. My perspective is the window is cracked a bit for circulation but not entry.

What is working for me?

I got a lot of help with this from "Boundaries: Examples of boundaries" -- Value; Boundary; Action --

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=6bae446c54249dfca0cd711ee2694190&topic=167368.0

Waiting to answer, or saying I will talk with dh and answer, or just not answering. Of course I have to actually listen to my wise dh. And he is wise - very sacarstic at times, but wise. And he answers his cell now when I call him at work needing his support in saying 'no'. This gives me time to plan what my response will be. Then I can be more consistent and less impulsive. Impulsive answers usually are like this: well yes, oh maybe, let me see - NO.  This creates lots of angry energy in all directions. Have to discipline myself to do my thinking silently. Better yet do my thinking with dh while gd is outside playing.  This creates a natural delay in responding to DD.



Getting out papar and pen and writing out the -- Value; Boundary; Action -- steps:

Taking the time to actually think through 'what is my core value around her request'? (it is always a request, not casual conversation).

What is the boundary dh and I established around this value?

How can I respond to her request, to keep this boudnary intact, and create the least amount of negative emotion in the conversation?

I state what it is I am willing to do, without saying a direct NO to her request if possible. I ask her questions instead of giving answers.

So here is our text conversations today. I opened the window by telling her how I followed up on tasks I chose to help her with from lunch yesterday.

Me: Doggie is OK so cancelling vet appt. Got you prozac and trazedone refilled without appt. Tomorrow do you want to go to public defender office? 10:51 am

[was going to take dd with me to vet then take her to pdoc appt if I could get one - could not get through on appt line before I had to leave. Pharmacy had a refill left so do not have to see doc for the anti-depressants. Will not help her get her stimulants that require doc appt - they make her more aggressive. maybe she is out of these so she is able to be more calm?]

dd: Yeah well what r u up to today? 12:05pm

me: working til gd gets home. [this is little lie as I just did not want her getting bus to house - gd gets that deer in the headlights look when we mention her mom being at the house. she assumed i was at office in town.]

dd: Ok could I catch a ride or con I borrow a bit of cash  [the truth comes out - she wants money]

me: we r not giving u cash. [boundary reminder] This has been a trigger for so many arguments. This answer will not change.

dd: so I needed smokes and what am I suppose to do for biethday before jail I deserve to be able to have a lil fun ya know.

dd: I've been frustrated cause u complicate my already hard existence.

dd: I am barely getting by as is

[dd looking for that warm fuzzy button to my heart. that door is closed!]

me: I will talk to dh tonight about money vs. gift card for your bday. I will let u know by tomorrow.

dd: Ok.

dd: [4:05pm, new attempt] So would i be able to hitch a ride home with dh

me: he is here already  [he got off 1/2 hour early today, what a nice coincidence]

dd:  darn it  well we ought to get pizzas or something  mabye a non tomato if bf is invited  those philly cheese steak pizzas were great [bought these last week on her grocery run]

me: we just want to hang out by ourselves tonight [spent 10 minutes talking about this reply with dh]

dd: well what about me this is where cash would really help me

me: I can meet up with u tomorrow. can give u birthday gift then. instead of Ross gift card to u want king soopers card? [see, no cash offered]

dd: both 100 each would be awesome

me: that is more than we had in mind. dh is taking a nap [true] so i will let u know later how much. when can we get together in the morning? I am thinking 11am

dd: yeah that sounds good  text me in a while

me: K

DD: [6:38pm] So what is this no cash thing.

dh suggested we just not answer this one, as there is no new answer. phone has been quiet since then. plan to not initiate contact tomorrow. if she contacts before 11am, will deal with at that time. we have obiligation in afternoon - taking gd to meet her instructor for horse camp 1st week in june - help with that anxiety producing transistion.


How do you think I did with my boundaries?

qcr  

[swampped]

Dear qcr:  I think you did very well with your boundaries, in spite of a lot of pressure from dd to cave.  Funny, our dil, who contacts us infrequently, but inevitably about money, always starts with something like "So how are you guys doing?  Do you have plans for the holiday/weekend/Christmas/whatever?"  I swear every phone call begins like this, and I find myself softening right up, thinking that she really does care about us.  Fortunately yesterday it was my dh who took the call, and he played it cool, as if he didn't hear what she really meant, and wished her a nice holiday too.  Do you think our pwBPD's share the script, to soften us up?  Do you think that dh's are truly obtuse, or just sent by the Lord to keep us safe from our own selves?  I pray that you will be able to keep these boundaries in place, and listen to your dh's wisdom, as you manage your way through the difficult weeks until June 14th.  You are an amazing mother and grandmother.  You give us all strength.           Swampped

[Verbena]

qcr, I think you did very well.  I need to remember what you said about answering with another question or not giving an answer directly.  My DD28 also starts every phone conversation (or did, when we were talking) with "What are you doing?" and I fall for it every time like she's really interested in what I'm doing.  She's clearly not unless it has something to do with her.  It's all about her, always has been. 

[vivekananda]

It hurts when they are charming. I know that when she is sugar sweet, then she wants something - usually money. Since dh and I put our boundary in place (no money without a receipt or invoice), things altered significantly. Her really powerful argument is 'you don't trust me', that brings on our guilt a fair bit... . but because we have stuck to our boundary, things have been very different. It used to be that money talk was the only communication. Without that conversation, it has been n/c with dh and l/c with me. C'est la vie. Slowly we will get there.

qcr, you done good girl   I like the phrase, 'I'll have to get back to you on that one' as was the case with the last blow up we had. We wanted to pay for her T, we want her to see him (even if I think he's  ), so we found a way around the receipt/invoice thing. Got back to her and it prompted a most pleasing response.

Boundaries are good... . always focus on the values, be appropriately flexible and always consult and do not act separately and you've got a recipe for good.

qcr we have solar, it's been just wonderful 

best wishes,

Viv   

[griz]

qcr:  I think you were really amazing.  So hard when they keep pushing. You kept your boundaries and were able to keep the conversation on a pleasant or even keel.

Hope you are getting some of the rest that you need. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

My paradigm shifted recently when I realized I need to practice Radical Acceptance with myself, more than accepting that DD is who she is. I needed to radically accept that I cannot do this parenting alone - to really see that support has always been in front of me I was just too stubborn and strong-willed to see it.

It has taken many small steps, and surely I will forget this again, and the signs will be there again to bring me back. The biggest step for me was reconnecting to my spiritual ground. I had to overcome a lot of resistence and an amazing amount of fear and shyness to reach out to a new community for support. I persevered - put myself out there with my story - for over a year before this truth took hold. That I need more than just "me" to be whole.

There is so much graditude to all my friends here - that have been direct, honest and compasionate with me and this storytelling.

There is so much graditude for my dh -- he has persevered in his self-control and practical wisdom. He has become strong is sticking to his thinking and feeling -- a very wiseminded guy without even knowing it.

There is so much graditude for the T's in my life. Gd's that has supported me in keeping my connection with DD yet focusing on gd's safety. And she introduced me to PACE Attachment Parenting "Creating Loving Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child", Kim Golding. Her book led me to "Brain Based Parenting", Dan Hughes. Thi compilation of 10 years of interpersonal neuroscience research helped me make sense of so many other things I have been processing.

There is so much graditude for my friends at church that have led me back to my strong faith. It has given me better understanding of DBT skills, mindfulness and wisemind from within my life experience.

There is so much graditude that I am a smart woman with a compassionate heart that will get broken. I now have skills and support to mend it.

There is so much graditude for gd and her love for me, her pure joy in life. Her zest for learning to solve her own problems, and she is learning to clean up her own messes - messy life in heart, mind and spirit. She has so much courage. Her politeness behaviors are resurfacing as we continue to support DD not being in our home. Gd is planning a picnic for her mom's birthday Monday at a park near where DD is living.

There is so much graditude for DD and that her bfM is being there with her, and has found a place they can share with others so DD is not on the street. He will be at the picnic too. Wonder if he will still be here for her when she is done with her jail term?

We will have several month to make a longer term plan for our r/s with DD when she gets out of jail. Focus on helping her find a longer term housing solution. This will be key to her success in moving toward more independent living. Unclear where this will emerge from. Keep on praying for guidance - how much must be left up to DD to figure out and how do we support that.

Great day chopping big branches out of a tree to make way for more sunshine on our roof. Feels good to be shrinking our carbon footprint in our world.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

Update: DD goes to court 2 weeks from today. PO summons said to give her full 365 days for total non-compliance. She needs to get a public defender to represent the things she did do successfully and ask for 90 days plus credit for the 45 days home detention. At least to ask. DD cannot do this for herself due to her LD. I cannot do this for her. So far she has avoided my offers to go apply for the lawyer -- and then she blames me for her not having a lawyer yet.     

Tuesday DD turned 27. We had a very nice picnic in a park with dh, gd7, the 2 doggies and me. Brought pizza and bday cake with candles. Dh drove home with gd and dogs, I drove DD to get some groceries for where she is staying with friends then dropped her off. They were just getting her bday cake out of the oven and the pizza guy drove up as I left. So she did have celebrations on her special day. Made plans to meet in park today with gd and dogs.

This morning I first suggested noon, then things got behind so texted to change to 2pm. She replied asking for food. Then at 1pm she called very angry that we were not there yet and she had been waiting. Dh and gd were at dog park with younger dog, so told her we could come when they got home at 2 like I had said. Whew---no visit with gd for today. I drove over and took her some food - got her to sign some releases for her SSI lawyer - she refused to take the meds I had refilled for her --  her look was very scary for me so I kept my distance which just made her more angry. I said to her that it felt like she wanted to push me down and kick me. I came back home. Told gd her mom did not feel good today. Gd said - I do not want to go then.

Later she texted me, and I could feel her level of distress. The underlying panic is from the prospect of 1 year in jail. And I cannot rescue her from this no matter how she tries to blame me. All I have for her right now is compassion - she is hurting so so much. And I have to stay away today. Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

I know it makes a long post so you can skip the rest if you want. I just need to share our text conversation to put it into perspective for myself. I have done all that I can, and then I can pray for mercy from the judge. Pray for 90 days, not a year. This is allowed by the law - 90 days is enough.

dd: u r awkward n weird it doesn't feel like anything comfortable  don't u understand empathy? u have done such idiotic choices that cost me things I didn't n don't deserve   I am a good person and am gonna be totally tormented and stuff   I did have a schedule n u attack and disrupt my entire life and cost me everything if I go to jail

me: [after deleting the first 4 tries to have empathy - did i get it right?]  It is really stressful going to court. The whole dui thing has been so hard for u. It is painful to accept things that feel so unfair. The court thinks u need to sopt pot snd everyone u r with sees no problem.

dd:  that is not fair

me:  the rules r unfair? the judge sentence is unfair? or something else is unfair?

dd:  all

me: It all does feel unfair. So unfair that u chose to ignore the probation rules the last 4 months. Maybe others had some influence by saying screw this it is just so wrong. The choices r still made by u.


No reply to this one -- it was so not validating for DD. It felt good for me to say what I was feeling and thinking though. Sometimes I just need to speak my truth.

qcr  

[suchsadness]

Qcarolr -  you are so patient and doing a wonderful job with such a stressful situation!  Your dd is so lucky to have you in her life!  I wish I could go back to when my dd35 was younger and at least a little more open to conversation.  It has been absolutely impossible to have an open discussion with my dd, first refusing to share any of her feelings then flipping to total rage and delusional accusations.  You are doing so well with setting and sticking to boundaries, and your responses have been perfect.  Question for you... . In your last post, last sentence you say "so not validating" but I see that by saying "it all does feel unfair" that you did validate her.  You then add some facts about her choices, is this the part you think is not validating?  What would you have said different, or do you feel you should have just left that part out?  Obviously I must not understand validation and/or am not good at validating, or I would most likely have a better relationship with my dd35!   :'(

[qcarolr]

Sometimes it makes no difference at least that we can see whatever we say. Like my several offers to go with her to get public defender. She always says later. Later never seems to come.

So do I fax the income info and ask them to use her prior application so a lawyer is there at her hearing? And request one with more experience than the one at her trial? She deserves annew trial with witnesses. But the outcome could be the same and just delay closure that much longer. Nothing speedy here.

I also want to let someone know that there will be no further financial assistance from family. If her Medicaid can cover options fine. Otherwise straight is what it will be.

I plan to be at the hearing. I want to ask if I can get hr stuff to store at home that morning. Have asked sitter to come early to be with gd. So nice to have the option of sitter now. Could not do his with dd in the house.

Even though I know it is projection of dd feelings it still hurts so much to be caked weird and blamed for her predicament.

I accept that I have made things worse in talking about help then not being able to follow through. After thoughts led to seeing the futility of paying for apt. When she was not going to follow up with expectations. Same with sstorage unit. Better to find the courage to not have expectations.

Gd wanted to see her mom today. Gd thinks we r being mean to her mom. Dd has her phone off.

Qcr

[qcarolr]

Text to DD for visit with gd sent in morning. Dd replied at 4pm so gd and 2 doggies spent a little over an hour with DD and her bf today. dh and I went on an errand. things went fine. DD looks so tired. She did accept her meds refill - prozac and trazedone - for anxiety, depression and insomnia. She has not been on these for awhile now. Hope they help her in facing the hard things coming.

Compassion is so hard to find when angry. I have been struggling with anger that DD was unable to do her probation. This did empower my to enforce the needed boundaries with her in our home. And it is good for dh, gd and I to have her living away. Nice to have the neighbors talking to us again, and gd playing outside again. She has so much to build back in her confidence after the year of isolation by neighborhood parents. I can see them not having their kids play at our house, but to exclude Gd from play at each other's houses was just too harsh. If gd showed up at public park in neighborhood, the moms would take their kids and leave. One family in particular was very harsh. And if their 3 kids were playing next door, and gd was playing there, she would be sent home.

It is hard to not take all this on as my fault. That I should have sent DD off sooner. I keep replaying the past year, then the past 18 months, then the past 2 years, then the past 6 years... .   Keep looking at those decision points where I could have bailed out of DD's life. Would this have really been the best path for gd with her mom? Gd loves her mommy, she knows her mommy gets angry and really mean to me. And she still loves her mommy even when she is feeling very angry at her mommy. She is working through this in play therapy, and hoping she starts connecting in equine therapy soon. It is expensive for her to be in freeze mode there. Silent and passive and not participating. We commited for 6 sessions this summer, then will evaluate.

Tonight we visited neighbor with older kids. They got a new puppy - gd love animals, esp. dogs. She was just non-verbal and hid behind me when spoken to by the dad there. Think it has been too long with no contact with them. Am I the one isolating?

So again reminding myself the past cannot be done over. I have to live in the present moment. And today was a good day for dh, gd and I.

I have decided to start work on a woodland fairy theme quilt for DD. I got all the materials when she was 18 and intended to be done when she was 25. Could not even look at the cloth until today. Put it out on my sewing table. I have gotten so much peace in the past quilting. Cutting, piecing, sewing all with love. I may need some help as my thumb joints have severe arthritis. Will hire someone to do the quilting part. Hope to have this done before DD gets out of jail if it is a year sentence. The plan is there already, the cloth is ready to cut. Have time home with gd - how can she help me with this compassion project?

This gives me hope that I can get past the suffering and be present for those I love. Looking for the joy.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

qcr you are a beacon of light to us all. You are so generous in sharing your story. I hope you can see the joy just on the horizon, within reach, like the sun. Sometimes the suns shines on us, sometimes the clouds cover it, or we walk under shade - but the sun is still there. And then when the sun retires for the night, we have the moon and its cycles. The joy is there for us, only sometimes it is not easy to see. There is no need for you to invite the FOG to cloud things for yourself, ok?

I don't see where your text conversation could have been invalidating. The last one simple reminded her that she had a choice, it was a 'truth'.

Sometimes it makes no difference at least that we can see whatever we say. Like my several offers to go with her to get public defender. She always says later. Later never seems to come.

So do I fax the income info and ask them to use her prior application so a lawyer is there at her hearing? And request one with more experience than the one at her trial? She deserves a new trial with witnesses. But the outcome could be the same and just delay closure that much longer. Nothing speedy here.

I think there are two ways to assess what you should do: 1) what difference will it make to the outcome? Maybe no difference but a prolonged result... . is that right? 2) Did you tell her you would do this? Then you need to balance what keeping your commitment with not doing so, and the pros and cons of both. 3) I am reminded of 'triangulation' which I have just revisited to try to understand.

Triangulation. When I, the parent intervenes between my dd and a third party (the triangle).

• If I become the intermediary, the mediator, then I am enabling my dd to not accept responsibility for her choices.



• If however, I am an advocate for my dd this can be different. An advocate speaks on behalf of someone who cannot speak to the third party. This sort of advocacy is a temporary thing to fix one situation. In this situation, my dd is at my side and totally informed of the situation and the decisions that are being acted upon. My dd would be a part of the process. This is a supportive role, like an interpreter.

I hope that makes sense... . that what I have been thinking anyway.

I love the idea of the quilt. It can become a meditation in action. Each stich an act of loving kindness, sewn with love and compassion for dd, gd, dh and yourself. A wonderful plan. Maybe gd could plan how the pieces go together, which colours etc go best next to each other. Perhaps you could teach her a simple stich and write the words "I love you" so she can stich over the written words... . I'm not a craft minded person, so not good at offering suggestions. But how good it would be if you were both working at the quilt together? Perhaps she could just be your quilt companion, organise the cottons, the cloth etc, she could sit with you reading or doing schoolwork while you did it - keeping you company.

Viv   

[qcarolr]

For today the FOG has cleared away. And it is a beautiful day. Ignoring gd's acting out is working today. They are short lived and she is doing what is needed before we need to leave for church.

Public defender. Some of my needs here is to let everyone know there will be no additional financial support from family if alternative sentencing is considered. If it is not covered by her medicaid (ie. residential placement) she has to be in an indegent program. These options would most likely come after she is in jail for a bit. Perhaps need to send this to probation officer? Perhaps I need to listen to dh's wisedom and let it go until that information is asked for. DD has avoided following through with lawyer. THeir office is not far from where she is staying, and the bus stops 1 block from the apartment. It is a 3 minute bus trip. I need to let this go, let it go.

Dh surprised me when I mentioned the quilt. He wants to be involved too.    He has offered to run the cutter and help calculate the measurements onto the fabric. I have it all there - the plans, the cloth - for the cover piece. Maybe gd can design a pillow cover to go with the quilt. I am dropping some other activites this summer to do this project with my family. This feels so good and right. Maybe I can figure out how to post a picture when it is done.

Wishing you all some joy in your day.

I hope you can see the joy just on the horizon, within reach, like the sun. Sometimes the suns shines on us, sometimes the clouds cover it, or we walk under shade - but the sun is still there. And then when the sun retires for the night, we have the moon and its cycles. The joy is there for us, only sometimes it is not easy to see. There is no need for you to invite the FOG to cloud things for yourself, ok?

qcr  

[peaceplease]

qcr,

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.  You really do have it rough.  Your dd seems to have way more than BPD. The LD really complicates matters.  I work with intellectually and developmentally disabled.  It is so difficult to get them to understand.  I know that your dd is not intellectually disabled, but any learning disability just exacerbates matters.  I know that my dd has ADHD, and she gets overwhelmed with paperwork.  She always needs someone to help her.  At welfare office, she felt that the worker acted like she was stupid because she did not understand.  Her case manager helped fill out some paper work, yesterday.   You truly have a lot on your plate.  You are such an inspiration.  My heart goes out to you. 

My dd went back on methadone.  My dh is the one that agreed to it, again.  Of course, he was mumbling and grumbling about getting up at 4:30 to take her this morning.  I told them that if she went back, I would not get up early to take.  My dh agreed because he felt that she will not get a job until she has the energy to work.  I was more in favor of rehab.  My dd told me that her case manager did not think that my dd would qualify for inpatient.  I did not talk to her case manger, so those may have been my dd's words.  I think that she has been there so many times, the next rehab would be about 6 months.  However, I think that is what she needs to get over all of it.  But, she was not willing to do that to her son.  I told her that when she relapsed that she wasn't thinking of her son.  Darn drug addiction!  I guess that she will be on methadone for life.  And, pretty much discriminated against when people find out. 

Praying for the best outcome for your dd.

 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

peacplease

thank you for the thoughts and prayers. knowing that you understand is empowering for me. so hard to discern what DD can and cannot do for herself. and she carries such shame about not being understood -- this limits her ability to let others know what she needs help with. trust issues.

maybe this is the same in some ways for your dd. it is hard to project out into the future to make a long term recovery commitment. wish the rest of the world could look at the methadone like insulin. something her body needs to be functional. stigma is such a real an hurtful process. for my D it is all about pot. so many professionals (and court people) think of this as so bad an influence for her. wonder if that stigma was gone she would be able to choose the mental health treatment options.

am thinking today that I will call DD and ask is I can fax her income qualification papers and reminder of her LD to public defender office and as them to accept the application from last fall. to have lawyer there at her hearing to speak on her behalf. she is truly not able to put her needs into words. but have to invovle dd in this, cannot do it on my own.

gotta get gd going. her horse play camp starts today. hope she is able to be verbal with instructor and her partner in class. talked to instructor about gd's cautious shyness. she said they work as teams of 2. gd's love of horses may carry her through.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

good luck with the horsies 

Viv   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

NC with DD since last Saturday.

GD did well at horse play camp today. small group of 7 kids with 3 horses and instructor plus 2 helpers - one with each horse. gd was in group of 3. says if not raining tomorrow they plan to ride a bit. Big smile when she got in car.

new sitter was here this afternoon. left money and library card so they could stop at ice cream shop on way home. then they took 1 year old happy puppy for walk. this is first sitter we have had. benefit of not having DD here, and grandma stepping back a bit. gd is doing great with her. She will be a senior next year - doing one day a week seems to fit for her and gd. I get to spend most of the day at work without worry.  Feels so 'normal'.

Reading tonight chapter on Curiosity in book, "Creating Loving Attachments... . " by Kim Golding. Read this back a few months. Getting something different out of this ch. second go round. It is so much about a path to validation. We are born with natural drive to be curious. Life can shut this down for us and for our kids with worry, anxiety, lack of feeling safety. Feel such sadness that I did not hav this book when DD was little - we seemed to trigger so much shut off of curiosity in each other from such an early age. Then the joy -- I am practicing so much of this with my gd. And she is so responsive to this path to showing her love.

I find my mind wanting to have my T sitting with me as I consume this chapter. She is gone for a couple weeks. I will try to find time tomorrow to journal about all this to share with her. My main assignment from T is to find joy in my life. DD being out of our home has allowed joy to be expressed without fear of reprisal. It is so good.

qcr  

[Thursday]

hi there q

without fear of reprisal

I've quoted only part of a sentence but there is a lot in there. If your dd has so much effect and power over your joy, NC sounds healthy. As in this is a good thing, no matter how you got to this point. I don't exactly mean no matter. Keep filling your journal with reflections on joy! Focus on how different you feel without so much angst.

It is very important that we not enable our loved ones with BPD to continue on a trajectory that will ultimately render them unable to recover. It is harder than hard to unweave the negative, harmful patterns especially when we got started with love in our hearts. And when they show their hurt over the changes... . even harder.

When you describe your daughter asking... . so when did we start "no money" it so reminds me of how disconnected from her reality my SD is... . same entitlement. Same seemingly sudden clarity and indignation even though the message has been (in our minds) made clear. It seems clear my SD expects, still, to be enabled and it really throws her when we state the boundaries and follow through.

The quilt idea is a great one. Be sure the therapy of the activity at all times supersedes any thoughts you have that your DD will appreciate and/or cherish it. I redid SD's bedroom while she was at therapeutic wilderness camp and she trashed it soon after. It isn't something she valued. I did get a lot out of the experience though. I think it would be lovely to let gd help, as much as she is truly interested in the activity. I know they sell fabric markers- maybe she could draw on a little piece of fabric that you can add someplace- even if the top of the quilt stays true to the original design concept, a private pocket on the underside might make your GD feel she has contributed something intimate for her Mom.

I'm so happy for you about being able to get a sitter for your GD now. Fabulous too that your GD will get a new exposure to someone new- totally different paradigm too. I hope she will enjoy this new attention. Babysitters who really love kids are true gifts!

Your thoughts about curiosity are intriguing. I am curious about how people become so invalidating to each other. In my SD's case, I see that for her she struggled with her Mom not validating how my SD experienced her own life. Example- SD was teased at school. I don't know this concretely but I am pretty sure that she got home and talked about it, she was told " those people teasing her were wrong" which comes from a loving place but isn't exactly validating to SD's feelings of hurt over the situation. Did SD began to hide her uncomfortable feelings about being teased and her self esteem suffered without her Mom understanding what was going on? ... . without the validation of her hurt feelings did she turn away from allowing herself to feel them and to find coping skills?

I will look for this book.

thursday

[vivekananda]

another 2 bobs worth (2 cents to you Yankees  ... .

I am thinking that our culture doesn't like problems, we only like solutions. If we can't easily find a solution, then the problem is swept aside. I think our culture doesn't like emotions, they are messy. So if emotions start to surface we get uncomfortable and turn away. Both these things inhibit a validating environment.

I look forward to hearing more about it from a 'curiosity' perspective... .

Viv

[qcarolr]

Here is the book review for "Creating Loving Attachments"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.0

This is my first exposure to attachment theory. This is not about the ideas of attachment parenting like 'wearing the baby' and nursing vs. bottle feeding, etc. When I posted this topic on the 'after the split' board, the response was from moms that did these things with their babes.

This book is about creating a loving, safe, validating environment for children - whether we are bio parents, kinship parents, foster parents or adoptive parents. The authors focus in their practices have been with foster and adoptive kids. So much of it applies to all kids with troubled home environments -- or kids that are born troubled and not as available to be parented, leading to troubled home environments.

This last is what I see in my case. I grew up in a loving, big family. I did lots of things with younger siblings, babysitting. Everyone told me what a great mom I would become. Then I struggled with infertility. After 10 years DD came to us at 3 weeks. And the struggles to love her, and be loved by her, began.

I also realize that I have my own issues with PTSD and bipolar II that were not treated until DD was a preschooler - and it was a long tedious process that will continue my whole life to find healing. I did see my T today - she gets me. She gets where I am and what I need. As I get filled up, then I can be better able to manage the loving r/s is my life.

I would love to continue the 'curiosity' discussion, and invite you all to join me on the book review link above. This is an inexpensive book. I hope you can read it and comment. So much, in a new language focused on children and parents, fit into the self-care/validation/values/boundaries model we advocate here. And it incorporates all the neuroscience as well.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

DD27 - what a hard, painful life she lives. Then I am overwhelmed and withdraw in her presence. Then she can say to me "mom, the silent treatment doesn't help either."

DD called to me yesterday - trying all my warm fuzzy buttons. Sharing her fears after seeing her PO Tuesday. We texted back and forth, my trying my best to be validating of her emotions. Declining to bring gd and dogs for visit. Cold, rainy day -- gd wanted to stay home inside anyway.

After dinner DD called, and said she really needed me to come. So I offered to meet her for coffee, then take dogs on walk in a park. Dh could be home with gd.

Coffee OK, park OK but chilly and dd did not have coat. Underlying issue was she and bfM had been in 'domestic' since 2 am when he wouldn't give her the lighter from his pocket for a smoke. They were asked to leave the townhouse where they have been sleeping on the floor for about a month. DD asked to go to thrift store for coat. On drive over things got angry. Guess my attempts to be validating about bf fight, PO visit with reinstating probation vs. going to jail (kind of up to DD what to ask judge for next week), etc etc were taken as invalidating. Or DD was in a place that blocked validation working.

I drifted into my quiet place, just listening. This was as invaladiting as the validating questions. So we went into Goodwill store. And I got to watch Dd's transformation wandering among the racks of clothes filling her arms with them so high I could hardly see her face. Then she went in to try them on. She came out with 5 things -- picked out one more plus new socks and something for gd on the way to the casheir. I get a better understanding of the mountains of  clothes in my basement - now confined to 5 big tubs and Dd's room (at least several more tubs in there -- all gathered over 2 years from donations places or dumpsters).

And she was so much more at peace. She bought what she needed to 'layer up' for a night sleeping outside. And she apologized for yelling at me earlier, said how grateful she was that I had come to let her talk, and for the warm clothes. Then I dropped her off. Have not heard from her yet today. Hope things got settled with the break from bf and they were at least allowed to leave their stuff at the apartment.

I want so so very much to contact the public defender office to be there for her. i want so so very much to talk to her PO about how hard probation is for her to comply with and how hard jail is with her LD. And i know that I could only do this with dd listening to my conversation. And that i very easily could mess things up worse for her - ie. not knowing what story she has told. I am too honest according to her version of life.

So offered again to request public defener lawyer to be there for her hearing - to even fax them this request. I need to stay out of her r/s with her PO entirely. Time to let go again.

Off to see gd's pdoc soon for checkin. The instructor at gd's horse camp has Saturday therapeutic riding class - pairs kids with a horse, one leading the other riding bareback (with blanket). And she thinks this would be really helpful for gd's social and sensory integration skills. Very perceptive -- and she is certified for therapeutic riding. Gd was smiling big when we asked if she wanted to do this. Tomorrow is last day of the camp. So called other equine therapist (who gd was totally non-verbal with after 3 sessions) to cancel. So excited for this. This weekly class will be less expensive than the 2 times/month sessions with the therapist. I can see a long term r/s with this instructor. All her volunteers for the class this week were previous horse camp students!

 

[vivekananda]

Off to see gd's pdoc soon for checkin. The instructor at gd's horse camp has Saturday therapeutic riding class - pairs kids with a horse, one leading the other riding bareback (with blanket). And she thinks this would be really helpful for gd's social and sensory integration skills. Very perceptive -- and she is certified for therapeutic riding. Gd was smiling big when we asked if she wanted to do this. Tomorrow is last day of the camp. So called other equine therapist (who gd was totally non-verbal with after 3 sessions) to cancel. So excited for this. This weekly class will be less expensive than the 2 times/month sessions with the therapist. I can see a long term r/s with this instructor. All her volunteers for the class this week were previous horse camp students!

sounds so positive, so good 

gotta rush now, just wanted to say that 

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Feel like I am in that big rolling drum in the fun house at the amusement park. Don't know what is up and what is down.

DD agreed to go to public defender tomorrow. I found their forms online - printed off the application for her to sign. The saw forms to get PD to do appeals. I lost $1000 for bad lawyer 7 months ago submitting appeal for DD that went nowhere - did not have the money for all the added costs. Another example of my offering something to DD and then withdrawing it. So I need to have DD go with me to allow me to ask questions of lawyer about what they can and cannot do.

Then in mail get letter from county saying they are taking back the small stipend paid to DD over past 6 months for lack of receiving disability form from mental health center. I just dropped one off last week - is that the one they are looking for? or is it the one dropped off to them last fall?

Seems I step up to do one small thing to support DD, and all this other crap falls on her -- and me. If is is hard for me to figure out, there is no way DD will get any of this.

So I am really distressed and distracted tonight.

The other part is seeing the pdoc today with GD. He asked how things were - great with gd but not so good for DD. I am living my values of honesty and integrity - being as transparent as possible with professionals in my life. He was quite stunned by all that has gone on since we last saw him about 3 months ago. He says we have good boundaries in place and need to keep them in place. Puts the FEAR OF FOSTER CARE in my mind. Yet this motivates me to keep DD out of our house.

My session with T - I gave her my photo/writing journal from 1994. A recovery period for me and PTSD related to one episode of of sexual abuse from stranger at age 4. She is going to keep it a few more weeks as it is intense and she needs to take it in a little at a time. She was really taken with a self-portrait (abstract) I did near the end of this period - I gave her one of the photos since I had several. Her one comment was that she sees a lot of dissociation in this work. Whew - finally someone believes me. I am intermittently disconnected with the outside world. My bipolar meds. do help with this. THen the stress pumps up and I struggle being present. Maybe a part of my lack of feeling successful with mindfulness practices. I tend to just space out - think of it as going to sleep, but maybe I am awake and just gone. Thinking about it I wonder that i ever got approved to adopt. The social worker was hesitant until got a positive psych eval.  I barely remember that i was not accepted into the education program in college after my sophomore year after taking the MMPI. I mostly blocked this out as to why. Changed colleges, changed major, met dh and got married and went to buiness school for practical occupation without 4 years of college.

Blah, Blah, Blah... . Guess I am rambing a vent here. Really rattled. Just get to feelig setted and 4 things fall on my head. So I will sleep tonight, dh will be home with gd tomorrow afternoon (after her little horse show at camp), and I will try to negotiate with dd the details.

Gd wants to swap another week of horse camp for the junkyard robots camp. I will check it out - through same organization so can do this if openings. Starts in two weeks. Next week she is home other than one day with awesome babysitter. Things are so good with gd. My saving grace.

Thanks for listening whoever is reading here. The support I have surrounding me here and in my community has lifted me out of despair into working with DD to find solutions. Balancing what she can do for herself with what she truly needs an advocate for. Pray for discernment and courage.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

I'm listening and praying qcr, but I still have no time to respond... . sorry.

You are to the forefront of my thoughts this long weekend here (Queen's b'day weekend with a holiday on Mon  ) gotta rush to get away for the weekend.

While I rush off, have you considered neurofeedback for the bi-polar? Somehow I think there are successful results - but then again money... . but then again, your health... .

sending you some strength while I pray for you.

best wishes,

Vivek            

[mggt]

Dear qcr,  I think of you often may all these prayers we are sending you help You are doing everthing possible for your dd and especially your gd sending you hugs mggt