I’m not supporting her issues any longer the way she needs

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I think me and my GF w/ BPD are on the outs.  I’ve expressed my desire to end the relationship. This is the hardest period of my life, no exaggeration it truly is. She an amazing person but her mental struggles and now in turn my dealing improperly with them has killed us.  She knows she has issues and clearly wants to get better with them. She goes to counseling and is not in denial at all. She desperately wants us to work. I’m just to the point now where I feel crazy at times and I’m not supporting her issues any longer the way she needs. I go back and forth a million times a minute in my head thinking “we can do this, with the right support system (myself included) she can channel these issue, we can do this”  then a minute later “it’s I don’t want to do this life long battle! I can’t I’ll never feel ‘okay’ deep inside knowing these issues are only being covered by Band-Aids. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not”  The thought of her issues surfacing later in a married and family life scare the hell out of me to the depths of my soul! So when I think it can work I think about that and I just can’t get over it, I cant.  I deserve to be happy and so does she and she does not deserve someone who isn’t in this commitment in a BPD relationship 100%.

So now back to breaking up, we live together in the home i own so she will be moving out.  She is an absolute wreck, I mean total melt down last night we almost had to take her to the ER b/c her anxiety level and mood swings were horrendous. It went from “I love you so much, I can’t do this” to “you’re an ass, you’re a coward, you’re giving up on me!”  She will have to go to her sister’s house to live, her sister is an amazing women, her only trusted partner in life and supports her 100% but living there is not a situation my GF wants. She will absolutely hit rock bottom with this break up. I seriously don’t know how to do this cause she’s a total mess right now. I feel its impossible to break up. I truly don’t know how to deal as the guilt is weighing on my insanely heavy right now. I need therapy now, I’m looking into therapist as I type.

[jalbright]

So I think me and my GF w/ BPD are on the outs.  I’ve expressed my desire to end the relationship. This is the hardest period of my life, no exaggeration it truly is. She an amazing person but her mental struggles and now in turn my dealing improperly with them has killed us.  She knows she has issues and clearly wants to get better with them. She goes to counseling and is not in denial at all. She desperately wants us to work. I’m just to the point now where I feel crazy at times and I’m not supporting her issues any longer the way she needs. I go back and forth a million times a minute in my head thinking “we can do this, with the right support system (myself included) she can channel these issue, we can do this”  then a minute later “it’s I don’t want to do this life long battle! I can’t I’ll never feel ‘okay’ deep inside knowing these issues are only being covered by Band-Aids. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not”  The thought of her issues surfacing later in a married and family life scare the hell out of me to the depths of my soul! So when I think it can work I think about that and I just can’t get over it, I cant.  I deserve to be happy and so does she and she does not deserve someone who isn’t in this commitment in a BPD relationship 100%.

So now back to breaking up, we live together in the home i own so she will be moving out.  She is an absolute wreck, I mean total melt down last night we almost had to take her to the ER b/c her anxiety level and mood swings were horrendous. It went from “I love you so much, I can’t do this” to “you’re an ass, you’re a coward, you’re giving up on me!”  She will have to go to her sister’s house to live, her sister is an amazing women, her only trusted partner in life and supports her 100% but living there is not a situation my GF wants. She will absolutely hit rock bottom with this break up. I seriously don’t know how to do this cause she’s a total mess right now. I feel its impossible to break up. I truly don’t know how to deal as the guilt is weighing on my insanely heavy right now. I need therapy now, I’m looking into therapist as I type.

[starkwell]

"The thought of her issues surfacing later in a married and family life scare the hell out of me to the depths of my soul!"

You are right to be scared. No matter how bad things are now, try to imagine the same situation with kids involved. I'm in that situation. There are dozens of people all over these boards in that situation.

Actually, the situation gets WORSE b/c with kids involved, they know they can get away with more... . because you are locked in because of the kids.

It's awesome that your GF is not in denial... . but even that can change. Seen that movie.

Find the strength now... . because you may not have it later.

[jalbright]

Thanks for the response, Starkwell.  It's just so tough and complicated when I think how if I truely put fourth a 100% dedicated effort specifically geared around a partner w/ BPD we could have success.  Now that certainly is no guarentee, but the thought of this life long effort needed just makes me blue and keeps me from treating her the way she needs to give this a shot. I just try to tell myself not everyone is cut out for this and there is nothing wrong with that.

And I know she wants to try hard to give me true trust and not be so insecure and paranoid about outside elements effectivng us, but I want to be w/ someone where that is natural and genuine.  Not an effort to constantly cover these things up  

[hithere]

I truely put fourth a 100% dedicated effort specifically geared around a partner w/ BPD we could have success.

That is not necessarily true, check out the staying boards, there are a lot of people that have tried for years and decades and they just barely make it though each day with their sanity intact.

[artman.1]

     I do hope you put in the time to study this Illness in great detail.  It took me a whole year studying this website, reading gobs of books and looking within myself to be able to deal with the day to day elements of a relationship with a PWBPD.  I really had no improvement over that year and things were actually worstening every day a little bit at a time.  It is like the Frog in the boiling water.  After the year of studying BPD behaviors, I turned all my focus onto myself. I remember my very first post here and I was told I can control No-one but myself and to immediately begin working on Me.  Well, when I thought I understood the issues with my UBPDW, I began working on me. 

     I studied Codependent issues and found I had no boundries.  I established boundries and Limits, which successfully eliminated my UBPDW's rages.  I am consistent with my boundries today and have never actually told her what they are.  She discovered for herself that I had boundries and just stopped raging.  This one thing has made a huge improvement in my life with her, "but," She is still the ICE Queen and has been for the last 37 years.  She is unable to show any affection, or have any Intimacy, not even holding hands.  I have been married to her for almost 45 years, with the "ICE Queen."  It is hard to disolve our marriage with three grown sons, and grandchild4ren and her bad health, so I have been hanging on.  I have detached to the point that we really are only room-mates at this time.  I do care, but must find my own way for the remainder of my life, even if still married to her, so I have improved my happiness within myself and no longer look for her to change.  I do accept that she will be as she is and that is OK.

Art

[jalbright]

That's a shame she's so cold towards you. It kind of make me feel guilty towards my Gf bc she is extremely affectionate towards me. Almost makes me second guess if she's that bad. Big that's just my mind running in circles  as I try not to forget her other issues that have caused us major strains    

[yeeter]

Ok I will chime in.  I'm a stayer, with three young children.

But if ihad known then what know now, I would not have chosen to remain in the relationship.  I had my chances to get out but some funky dynamics and my issues prevented me from it.

Get yourself really, really healthy so you can make good decisions.  Use, and listen to friends and family that know you well.

Good luck. 

[miglet]

I am in exactly your position, I want to go but feel that I can't. I have somewhere to go, with my 8 y/o daughter, but I'm still here, being asked "do you love me?" ":)o you want us to work at this?" and so on, day after day. He says he loves me, but I can't seem to get past my anger about the way he's treated me pre-diagnosis. You need to stand firm and make the break before you get sucked into marriage and kids, those factors become pressure points to make you go along with your partner's wishes.

This is only my opinion, I hope it helps.

[wdone]

i feel for you.

i asked my BPDbf to move out about a a year ago, and after 2 months or so of trying to get him to leave (nicely), he finally did. 

i am only sharing *my* experience with what happened, and how i felt.

i missed him so much, and have had a lot of regret ever since. 

on the other hand, i can see WHY i did it, and how his BPD issues were so bad, that i almost felt i had to.

we are still "together" and i wonder if it made it much worse, me separating us.

i think it made his trust for me so much worse.

do you want to end it for good?  what are your motives? are you in love with her?

[wdone]

i support you in taking care of you, though