Violence

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDh went through a period a couple of years ago of extreme violence, both verbal and physical, I was bruised and scarred for about 3 years on and off, and I was too scared and weak and ashamed to do anything about it.  I now have serious problems with forgiving him, since he was diagnosed I have been trying to see it all as not his fault, but I am so angry and resentful that he refused to get any help that it is undermining efforts to get our relationship back on track.  Add to this the fact that he has a girlfriend who lives with us, and I feel like the housekeeper most of the time, although she is here with my full agreement, I'm bisexual and have a gf too, though not a resident one.  He thinks that we should all do things his way, as he is "Mentally ill" and so he manipulates our lives so that he is happy. His gf just does everything his way, and I have in the past been accused of undermining everyone's happiness by refusing to do things his way. My gf is getting fed up, she says I have to stop being a doormat, but I have spent so many years being his support and almost his carer, that I don't know how!

I can't tell him he's a control freak anymore, because he now knows that it's BPD and he "Can't help it!"

Any advice on where I go from here would be gratefully recieved.

[miglet]

My BPDh went through a period a couple of years ago of extreme violence, both verbal and physical, I was bruised and scarred for about 3 years on and off, and I was too scared and weak and ashamed to do anything about it.  I now have serious problems with forgiving him, since he was diagnosed I have been trying to see it all as not his fault, but I am so angry and resentful that he refused to get any help that it is undermining efforts to get our relationship back on track.  Add to this the fact that he has a girlfriend who lives with us, and I feel like the housekeeper most of the time, although she is here with my full agreement, I'm bisexual and have a gf too, though not a resident one.  He thinks that we should all do things his way, as he is "Mentally ill" and so he manipulates our lives so that he is happy. His gf just does everything his way, and I have in the past been accused of undermining everyone's happiness by refusing to do things his way. My gf is getting fed up, she says I have to stop being a doormat, but I have spent so many years being his support and almost his carer, that I don't know how!

I can't tell him he's a control freak anymore, because he now knows that it's BPD and he "Can't help it!"

Any advice on where I go from here would be gratefully recieved.

[Clearmind]

Miglet, it sounds like you need to put some boundaries in place. We have choices and setting boundaries and sticking with them are the only way to protect yourself.

Does he hit you now?

Does he rage at you?

Does he blame and accuse you?

What sort of relationship do you have with his GF?

Is there a reason you are doing all the housework?

How are things with DD9 (Dear Daughter 9 yo)?

[miglet]

Clearmind, he has not hit me for some time now, but the rages are still there, and I still am made to feel responsible for his feelings a lot of the time.  Today I was invited to a birthday dinner, a friend's mum, and the question was "Why do you want to spend time with someone else's family when you have one of your own right here? I don't spend time with other people's families! " This is what it's like.

His GF is a friend, although she is unbelievably lazy, and only helps out if I give her specific tasks. If I make a comment, it's "Well, you only had to ask!" His attitude is, that she is just made that way. If I didn't do it, no-one would. If I didn't have a daughter to worry about, I wouldn't do it just to prove a point.

DD9 is cool, she's very bright, and has worked out that there are a few things wrong.  She argues with me a lot, though we're also very close, she pleases dad, and his gf is very kind to her, she is like an extra mum, which is not entirely a bad thing.  But she is very clingy, and needs a lot of reassurance that I am around all the time.

[Clearmind]

Miglet, he cannot isolate you.

Are you in therapy? Does not sound healthy for you?

What changes do you want to make?

[miglet]

I have had therapy previous to his diagnosis, probably could do with some more right now. I just don't know where I am, he keeps asking and asking me if I'm going to stay, he loves me, can't live without me.  I can not believe that he can blame BPD for his appalling behaviour over the last 3 years, but he seems to think it justifies it all.

[Vanillaradio]

I am in a similar place right now. Mental Illness is not a pass card to continue harmful, damaging, disrespectful behavior, nor does it eliminate the swath of emotional destruction caused before diagnosis.They act like it some magic wand they can wave and all of our emotional damage should just disappear. Well, it is not true. Of course you still have feelings. People who have not lived through it don't understand the level of mental and spiritual devastation. Physical abuse is a huge betrayal of a very sacred trust. Please do more for you, build your life and screw what he says.  I go to a county place for therapy as it based on income, I am also thinking of starting co-dependants anonymous... . I have NO sense of boundaries. This thing absorbs us, consumes us and then it becomes a way of life. He's happy... . but you are not. Honestly, I wonder if all the tears and sweet words are just manipulative BS and that they would be just fine without us. They will just find someone else to be there mom-substitutes. But, this is no dress rehearsal. It is our one and only life. They may never change. Especially, if has had therapy and STILL acts that way. Here are some questions I ask myself that may help you. How many years have you given for his happiness? How many for yours? Really, ask yourself what do his actions say about your place in his life, how he values you. What do your actions tell others about how you value yourself? What does it tell your daughter about how she should value herself?  These are all the questions I am asking myself, right now. I can tell you it has been very hard to deal with some of my answers... .

[SadWifeofBPD]

?

Your H has a GF that lives with you?  So is he sleeping with her?  you?  both?

And you have a GF, but not one who lives with you?

Why don't you go off with your GF, and leave H with his GF. 

This relationship is too crowded.

[Clearmind]

I have had therapy previous to his diagnosis, probably could do with some more right now. I just don't know where I am, he keeps asking and asking me if I'm going to stay, he loves me, can't live without me.  I can not believe that he can blame BPD for his appalling behaviour over the last 3 years, but he seems to think it justifies it all.

Miglet, we cannot control his actions however you can control yours.

I am not at all passing judgement on your situation - its not my role - I understand this is hard however consider including yourself in your life.