Will getting restraining orders for my kids increase our risk for homicide

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

divorced 4 years after 3 year 1/2 million dollar total fight.  (He really didn't have that money, but hey, he's a BPD, so he feels entitled to spend that money!)  Was showing 'soft' child abuse DURING the custody evaluation, ran me out of money and hire a 'court whore' to shred original custody evaluation.  Long story short, has play boxed youngest (13), hitting harder and harder with fist despite her cries to stop, on occasions, held her in her room with physical force (twist arms behind back), and has hit oldest (16) repeatedly with elbows and wrists (so as not to leave bruises) that required youngest to hit him with car door to make him stop.  Took kids a while to tell me all this, until they were sure I was NOT going to force visitation anymore (I thought they were just 'done' with him because of horrible emotional abuse).  CPI couldn't arrest; no marks.  Stated kids too old to force dependency court, could refuse to see him.  Filed restraining orders, hearing set in a month (consolidated into family court with family judge instead of civil judge hearing it).  When youngest sent him text message getting more forceful (afraid to stand up to him) stating "do not come to my school, Do not come anywhere near me, never want to see you again", he stalked us the next morning (where he new I would be traveling to take her to school).  I knew he would do it again, and he did so took video camera but kid too afraid to hold it up while I was trying to turn to get away from him.  (In vehicles).  I think I will get the restraining orders based on their testimony, the CPI investigation report (which stated kids storied corroborated, mother was protective, told to file DVI petition, etc.), and if their friend ( a minor, almost 18) is allowed to testify as she has seen tons of abuse (mostly emotional) some of which has been 'soft" assault and battery.  (you know, how they bait you with some stupid opinion thing, you dare express one, he entraps you, projects blame, escalates, gaslights, etc... .   What I call the BP switch and bait.) 

I want the restraining orders desparately but am also scared to death to get them.  He is a Pediatrician; it could ruin his career.  Now mind you, not our fault he's an abusive piece of hit, but of course he feel it is and whatever a BP feels, that's the borderline reality.  I know when he beat me (not the first, but badly so I fled , had to return so wouldn't be accused of kidnapping, and filed divorce), after getting the restraining order he did stalk me on several occasions.  Not the overt stuff, the "Oh, I"m parked in the back of the child exchange location, you know (back here where it's dark and no one can see us, of the (I purposely took the kids homework out of their bag so I could barge in unannounced into your school/also theirs, and scare the hit out of you and look like a dad of the year/concerned parent.  The $3K bribe to my church to make them ignore the DVI (while he was in non-support for 8 months) was my fave!

I never truly felt scared for my life when he stalked me, but since the kids have refused to have anything to do with him for the rest of their lives (for 5 months running now), he has nothing left but his job to save face.  Anybody out there have any similar experiences with high functioning BPs, domestic violence, and how to actually get away without a kidnapping or homicide-suicide.  I can take care of myself and pack heat with extra clips everywhere.  But I cannot always be with my kids.

[paxfamilia]

divorced 4 years after 3 year 1/2 million dollar total fight.  (He really didn't have that money, but hey, he's a BPD, so he feels entitled to spend that money!)  Was showing 'soft' child abuse DURING the custody evaluation, ran me out of money and hire a 'court whore' to shred original custody evaluation.  Long story short, has play boxed youngest (13), hitting harder and harder with fist despite her cries to stop, on occasions, held her in her room with physical force (twist arms behind back), and has hit oldest (16) repeatedly with elbows and wrists (so as not to leave bruises) that required youngest to hit him with car door to make him stop.  Took kids a while to tell me all this, until they were sure I was NOT going to force visitation anymore (I thought they were just 'done' with him because of horrible emotional abuse).  CPI couldn't arrest; no marks.  Stated kids too old to force dependency court, could refuse to see him.  Filed restraining orders, hearing set in a month (consolidated into family court with family judge instead of civil judge hearing it).  When youngest sent him text message getting more forceful (afraid to stand up to him) stating "do not come to my school, Do not come anywhere near me, never want to see you again", he stalked us the next morning (where he new I would be traveling to take her to school).  I knew he would do it again, and he did so took video camera but kid too afraid to hold it up while I was trying to turn to get away from him.  (In vehicles).  I think I will get the restraining orders based on their testimony, the CPI investigation report (which stated kids storied corroborated, mother was protective, told to file DVI petition, etc.), and if their friend ( a minor, almost 18) is allowed to testify as she has seen tons of abuse (mostly emotional) some of which has been 'soft" assault and battery.  (you know, how they bait you with some stupid opinion thing, you dare express one, he entraps you, projects blame, escalates, gaslights, etc... .   What I call the BP switch and bait.) 

I want the restraining orders desparately but am also scared to death to get them.  He is a Pediatrician; it could ruin his career.  Now mind you, not our fault he's an abusive piece of hit, but of course he feel it is and whatever a BP feels, that's the borderline reality.  I know when he beat me (not the first, but badly so I fled , had to return so wouldn't be accused of kidnapping, and filed divorce), after getting the restraining order he did stalk me on several occasions.  Not the overt stuff, the "Oh, I"m parked in the back of the child exchange location, you know (back here where it's dark and no one can see us, of the (I purposely took the kids homework out of their bag so I could barge in unannounced into your school/also theirs, and scare the hit out of you and look like a dad of the year/concerned parent.  The $3K bribe to my church to make them ignore the DVI (while he was in non-support for 8 months) was my fave!

I never truly felt scared for my life when he stalked me, but since the kids have refused to have anything to do with him for the rest of their lives (for 5 months running now), he has nothing left but his job to save face.  Anybody out there have any similar experiences with high functioning BPs, domestic violence, and how to actually get away without a kidnapping or homicide-suicide.  I can take care of myself and pack heat with extra clips everywhere.  But I cannot always be with my kids.

[momtara]

Well, that is scary.  In my laymen's opinion, a restraining order can't always protect everyone all the time.  Even supervised visitation can't.  Hopefully people with more experience can comment, and maybe therapists and lawyers can share their expertise.  Everyone is different and (is he a narcissist or BPD?) it really depends on how bad he is.  As awful as he sounds, maybe he wouldn't go as far as homicide, one would hope!

[ForeverDad]

Wow, sorry to hear your struggle.  In most cases getting a protection order is the best thing to do.  Why?  Not trying to get an order is no assurance he would decide to stop misbehaving.  Yes, it's just a piece of paper, but even if he doesn't see it as something to slow him down, the police and other agencies will help you more readily if you have it.

Do not worry about his occupation or how it may be impacted by you seeking a protection order.  He's an adult.  He has to deal with his own consequences.  You worry about yourself and your children.

Okay, so you can't depend on your children to help you document, such as by filming.  We understand that.  What can you do?  These days there are numerous ways to document.  Many cell phones, cameras, voice recorders can record video or audio.  I was able to find a pencam that is actually a pen but has a video camera inside.  Not HD of course but it fits in a pocket, isn't very expensive and downloads to a computer.

As for your self-protection devices, just be sure you're trained, certified or whatever.  All it takes is one mistake and he could frame you somehow to get the upper hand.  Remember, the misbehaving person often doesn't face consequences but the behaving person often gets no credit.  Sad that we have to live by a higher standard than the ex, but that's often the way it is for us.

Keep in touch.  We're here.

[paxfamilia]

Well the kids always have their phones to record should he show up and threaten, but he has a not contact order now (voluteered it while waiting for family judge to hear the DVI case).  He's is a sociopath and BPD.  He will not show up because he has delusions he will win the kids back in court (even though the kids will NEVER ever have anything to do with him ever in their lives again).  They have told their friends about their dad, the oldest I think even told her boy friends to block him and video tape with their cell phones.  There is a armed deputy on her campus all the time and he knows what to look for, will answer a call ASAP.  Other girls school has live video cameras (also record) all over and all doors locked except one, and has all rooms with lockdown capabilities (in part due to what has happened to my girl, along with the Sandy Hook thing). 

I know we have to hold him accountable, no matter what his profession. Just wandered if anybody had similar experience to share, or thoughts.

[paxfamilia]

Oh, and yes, I'm fully aware about the gun thing.  I'm licensed, and practice.  I know to never brandish the weapon, but to only pull it when I'm ready to use deadly force.  Luckily, I live in a state that has a good castle doctrine (protect your home and near/in vehicle), and also has good law that I may stop ANY forcible felony (like I see an armed man holding up a convenience clerk) with deadly force.

[sfbayjed]

I am thinking that packing heat in this situation could elevate this thing into something  exponentially more tragic. These BPD/non relationships are just go charged emotionally.

As someone of the opposite sex, whos exBPDwife was the main bread winner and has found himself in the same situation; "she will lose her job" "the kids will lose their health insurance"  my opinion, being a little further along in the process, is <bleep> him, <bleep> his job. he needs to start facing his own consequences instead of you to continue being the one to face his consequences. Plus I don't think he can lose his job over a civil RO.

It seems to me that they are more dangerous when we are afraid than when we hold them accountable

[paxfamilia]

Carrying a gun does not elevate something into a tragedy.  You've never heard of the happening ever.  that's just gun phobia.  People everyday safe their own lives and others by having a gun handy, you just don't hear about it in the liberal media.  He is never around us, but if all of the sudden he is, then he is there to harm us, and I will act accordingly. It will not be a tragedy to defend oneself, the tragedy would be to become a victim of his violence for not anticipating it.  that's the real tragedy, that my sane children cannot defend themselves with a deadly weapon. They are sitting ducks when not with me.

[paxfamilia]

Oh, and I don't care about his job for my financial status.  I can support myself and the girls just fine.  It's his 'losing face', losing the only thing he has (since the kids refuse to be in any relationship with him for 5 months now), and getting so despondent that he wants retaliation that scares me.  I do not think a DVI will make him lose his job either, since I'm not about to go and interfere with his job.  I want him to keep it, as he will never assault a patient because the parent will always be right there.  He, however, is running scared, according to his attorney, because they mentioned that getting a DVI will negatively impact his career, but perhaps they were just trying to prejudice the judge with that . (I mean how could a pediatrician beat his wife and kids?  Well, let's see, a few years ago one shot his wife dead in their driveway; He was  BP, too.)