She's still on the lease. Can she come into my house without my permission?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sometimes I go on walks or bike rides without locking all my doors.  On Monday she came in when I wasn't home "to drop off some clothes" of our son. 

I just discovered she also went upstairs and went through the papers I was preparing for the upcoming custody hearing, taking at least two papers (screenshots of Facebook pages of her boyfriend/employee that I was possibly going to use as evidence that she is making false representations to her organization).  For a reason I can't fathom, she included those two papers with her disclosure filings she just submitted.

Now she's saying she can come in and get food out of the freezer, because she's "still on the lease." 

Does anyone know if I can tell her that she can't come in?  How can I get her off the lease without her permission?  (She moved out nine months ago.)

[Vinnie]

Sometimes I go on walks or bike rides without locking all my doors.  On Monday she came in when I wasn't home "to drop off some clothes" of our son. 

I just discovered she also went upstairs and went through the papers I was preparing for the upcoming custody hearing, taking at least two papers (screenshots of Facebook pages of her boyfriend/employee that I was possibly going to use as evidence that she is making false representations to her organization).  For a reason I can't fathom, she included those two papers with her disclosure filings she just submitted.

Now she's saying she can come in and get food out of the freezer, because she's "still on the lease." 

Does anyone know if I can tell her that she can't come in?  How can I get her off the lease without her permission?  (She moved out nine months ago.)

[ForeverDad]

If she does not live there, then she should not enter without your permission, just as you wouldn't enter her residence without her permission.  However, her still being on the lease may be a murky issue, at least I can't comment on how the lawyers or court would view it as affecting her access.  Have you or your lawyer ever giving her written notice not to enter?  Has the court ever stated you have "sole possession" of your residence?

I feel at the least you or your lawyer should send her a simple, non-emotional but clear letter stating that she has her own residence and that you do not want her entering your residence, not unless you are present and allow it or have given her specific written permission.

My son is about to change his school schedule to a much earlier one, he is getting too old for daycare and so I will be dropping daycare in a few months.  I suspect my ex will claim she can't get son early in the afternoon from school and will want to pick him up at my home before I get there.  That worries me since if I weren't there I would expect her at some point to have an 'emergency' claiming she needed to use the bathroom Right Now, was feeling faint and needed some food Right Now, had to help him find homework, whatever.  (And she has frequently alternated moods when I am picking up, sometimes asking me to come over and get him, then other times threatening that if I even come onto her parking lot that she'll call the police.)

[marbleloser]

She can't get in if you change the locks.

[ForeverDad]

If you are worried about locking yourself out, keep a spare set of keys with trusted friends or neighbors who won't hand them over to her.  If you are forgetful, then at least you need to have given her notice not to enter uninvited.

How soon does the lease expire?  If you plan to remain there, is it possible to get a new lease without her on it?  I'm not sure how her tenancy rights are affected, possibly depends on how strict your tenancy laws are there.  That's where getting the court to state you have 'sole possession' is very helpful.

[Matt]

This came up when I separated from my wife.  Where I live, whoever lives in the house has the sole right to be there - not even the landlord can come in without your permission - doesn't matter who owns the home, who pays the rent or mortgage, or who is on what piece of paper - all that matters is who lives there.

The idea is that everyone should be safe in their home.  You should definitely change the locks, and here's the note my lawyer advised me to send when my wife came into my home and went through my stuff:

From:  Matt

To:  stbX

cc:  Matt's attorney

Do not come into my home without my written permission.  If you do, I will get an Order Of Protection.

He said to send her that, and then if she did it again, to go to court and get the OOP (a.k.a. Restraining Order).

Don't argue about it, just change the locks and send that note (after consulting with your attorney).  And you need to start locking the doors when you are not in the home (or maybe even when you are).  Treat it like your home, with boundaries.