Need advice-alcohol and anger towards BPD traits

[SeekingHelp2]

I have been married to my BPD traits wife for a year and we have been together for 5. I have gone through stretches of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts during the past 3 years. At times i have coped poorly with alcohol. I have isolated myself and given up relationships with family and friends to try and avoid upsetting her. Last summer I received some help and I am still in counseling but most of the things I have learned or am given advice to do, contradicts what she wants me to do. She is threatened by me making decisions or taking care of myself. She uses threats to leave, the silent treatment and long stretches of talking down to me. These things have me hating myself and I fear I have resented her for some time. When we are on, we have great times together. She is beautiful, smart and an amazing woman who I love very much. When I follow her rules I see glimpses of the amazing woman and I want to stay. I am worried that I need to do something different after last night and would like some advice. I have had 2 recent incidents where my drinking has lead to terrible things being said to her and I have found myself more aggressive. This happened once last year as well. I am terrified of where this is coming from and wonder if anyone else has experienced this. Because of my behavior I feel guilty and am back to wanting to try and take responsibility for everything because I know I am wrong, but worry I am just jumping back into dynamics that cause the anger. I am stopping drinking for sure, but am worried about the anger and if others have experienced it. I hate to leave on a moment where I was wrong and am ashamed but feel that this relationship could cost me everything. She is currently unwilling to change anything and has not wanted to in the past either.

[Clearmind]

SeekingHelp, walking on eggshells and negating your needs is not healthy.

Have you set boundaries?

What events are happening when she threatens to leave?

[SeekingHelp2]

When I try to set boundaries she escalates things and goes days into weeks of disconnect/silent treatment. She usually escalates things until I cave. It becomes easier to give in and not suffer.

[Clearmind]

You are suffering SeekingHelp.

Can you provide an example of the issue and what boundary you set? And when you set it? Was she already dysregulated and screaming?

[blurry]

 You have to quit drinking man, seriously. I just learned the hard way that resentment shows up in unexpected ways while intoxicated that I didn't even know was possible, I didn't even see it coming. Plus it takes the focus off the BPD, and you become the fall guy for any problems, and she can shift into being the victim. Seriously, it wont get better, don't think you can manage it if you've already seen the signs pop up. I can't manage this relationship sober, let alone drunk half the time, I stopped for two reasons, one, cause all the pain, hurt and resentment started to finally come out after I was drunk, and two, the woman means more to me than alcohol, and I'm not willing to lose her over it, even though I'm 99% sure its a no win situation. Oh, reason number 3, as horrific as the last 8 or 9 months have been, I can't let it destroy me, and I can't ever remember a time where drinking helped me in any way improve myself or my life.

[blurry]

 Id love to know how you get past the resentment and begin to trust again, especially with someone you're not sure you can ever trust again. I want to so bad but beginning to see it just might not be possible, maybe this is the turning point when nons make that decision to end it, I'm so tired of waiting for the next breakup and having her return after sleeping with someone else for a few weeks. The lack of empathy on her part is such a slap in the face. She says "oh well, we were broken up, get over it". Then I find myself pushing and testing her to see how serious she is, each time she comes back. Really a bad pattern I'm in here.