Separation

[cult]

My SO and I had a frank discussion today. We are a same-sex couple and have been together for 10 years.  She has been distancing severely since April... . my previous posts will fill in any interested parties as to what has been happening.

Today she told me that she is questioning her sexual orientation and doesn't know if she wants to be with women anymore. She says she is confused and needs time to think about her life and her choices. She says she is tired of living life as a second class citizen and that it is "too hard" to be a lesbian. (She's dealing with depression and probable PTSD in addition to the above, and IMHO it is a contributing factor to the above, but that is neither here nor there).

She says she needs me, she depends on me and she loves me but she's "not sure it's physical" anymore. This from a woman who was ALWAYS telling me how beautiful I am, could not keep her hands off of me, initiated sex all the time, etc... . up until a week before her sudden withdrawal of all of this from me in early April. 

Here I am, 44 years old. I never in a million years thought I would be single at this age. I was so sure that this relationship would last forever. I NEEDED it to last forever. I can't believe it is on the verge of ending.  :'( It took me a long time to find this woman and we have had a hard few years but overall, our relationship has been very fulfilling and loving. The thought of losing the r/s fills me with fear and grief.  The prospect of many empty weekends stretching before me is absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking to me. The greatest gift of these 10 years has been the constant companionship, the trips to Target/Home Depot together, the watching TV together... . those things are going to be very hard to let go of.   :'( :'( :'(

Anyway, despite everything I am not ready to let her go and I admit that. Should she decide she wants to experiment with men, I will have no problem with letting her go. THAT is a boundary I am very, very clear about. We live together, I pay for everything BUT I have told her she cannot stay here for the duration of the lease unless she pays utilities. She is already gone at least half the week sleeping at her sister's house. She is filling out applications now. After this lease expires in a couple of months, if she is still in the place she's in now, then she will have to find somewhere else to go.

Need some hugs tonight. Thanks.

[rogerroger]

PwBPD have no stable sense of self. So when they are trying to cope with difficulties, they look for someone or something outside themselves to rescue them. A lot of us ended up with our BPD partners because we were only too happy to play rescuer. In the case of your partner, it is possible that she thinks she can escape her problems by taking on a different sexual identity.

By any chance has she recently made a new straight friend? I wonder because when my BPD-ex had a new friend who was bisexual, suddenly she decided she was bisexual, too. It seems to be a pretty common BPD trait to play this "You're x? Hey, I'm x too!" game. This mirroring is part of the way their sense of self is externalized.

But it might also just be that the idealization phase is wearing out. She looked to you to be the love of her life and to keep her in happiness. But your being yourself (no matter how good you are) doesn't cure her BPD. So there she is feeling bad and although she has looked to you to take her pain away, it's still there. So she looks for something she can blame or something she thinks she can change that will make everything fine?

[cult]

The weird thing is, things have been somewhat better since this conversation happened. It's as if clearing the air has brought us closer somehow. Still, I think I am in shock and blotting out the truth, which is that she is not committed to the relationship/our partnership the same way she used to be and that she is re-thinking everything in her life right now.  Even in a best case situation, everything is different now and our old relationship, the one that brought me such comfort for so long, is done. Who knows what will take its place.

I also don't want to see some of the concerning qualities about her which suggest that she isn't a good partner for me and that maybe she is not the only one who should be questioning things. I have been unquestioningly devoted to her for 10 years and most of it has been dysfunctional. I have been her caretaker and her protector but we are not equals. Now that I have asked her to step up and assume her share of the financial load so we can have a better life... . she is questioning whether this is the life she wants. Meanwhile I have slaved the last 3 years of my life away, working two jobs, working all the time... . all to pay our bills so that "we" could have a life together... . come to find out it was a life I willed into existence, she was never truly a part of it the way I wanted. 

[MockingbirdHL]

Cult - like you it seems, I am having to come to terms with the fact that if my r/s continues, it will never be equal. I feel like I will always contribute more but he will always need more from me.  I'll put in everything I have, and maybe he will too, but his everything won't come close to my everything.

Can I handle this lifetime of inequality?  I don't know for sure. Right now I am willing to try. I can't tell what will happen in a year or five years or ten years. I can't predict the future. I like to have a plan. I'm so jealous of those take-it-as-it-comes people who live in the moment. I need to try and enjoy the now and prepare for the future without obsessing over it.

It won't be easy.

[cult]

Mockingbird, in some ways we must be astral twins. Both of our SOs are playing games with our hearts and minds right now. I am starting to get in touch with a shred of self-respect, and I am starting to get angry. In the beginning I could explain away her statements/behavior with her trauma history and mental illness, but as more time passes and things deteriorate more and more, it is much more difficult to make excuses. She is conflicted, but she simply does not value our partnership the way that I do, and when I look back, there have been little hints and eruptions over the past few years which I glossed over and for which she promptly apologized, begged forgiveness, swore she was not in her right mind when saying/doing, etc. I forgave her and for the most part, we continued on our path together, for a little while longer anyway. But I have never really trusted her since then and to be honest, after this latest bombshell I do not think I can ever trust her again, not the way I did Before.

I just could not believe it or accept it then and I still can't but I am starting to get there.

[MockingbirdHL]

Cult, it's good I think that you're starting to get angry. I think it's an important step in healing. I can get angry when he's not here. I can feel how unjust this whole situation is. I can feel disappointed, devalued, belittled, unimportant. But when he's standing right in front of me, I still feel love for him and I feel his pain. Or what I imagine his pain to be. And in a way I feel sorry for him (and by default sorry for myself).

All I can think right now is that I want a real apology. I know I won't get one. I want him to take responsibility for his actions. I know he won't. I want him to realize how he's affecting other people. Maybe that one will happen with therapy.

I'm hanging all my hopes on him getting help through long-term, regular, effective therapy. I can't see any other solution right now.

[cult]

By any chance has she recently made a new straight friend?

Not to the best of my knowledge, but she is in therapy with a straight man and has been spending a lot of time with a friend of hers who is also a straight man, much older, a father figure to her. She said that she began "questioning" after she began therapy.

As I reflect on this situation unfolding, there was an incident last year that seems to harken back to this. I have written here before that back in January 2012 I found a blog she started in which she wrote about the fact that after years of rejecting her because of her sexual orientation, that her family was starting to accept me as her partner. She then proceeded to say that she was having doubts about our relationship and how ironic it was, since her family was finally accepting it. She went on to complain about how controlling I was and after some additional choice words, said that the relationship had run its course and that she wanted to break up with me but did not know how to say it. She said she had always been the one who got dumped and didn't know how to dump somebody else.

So immediately after I found this blog, I confronted her and she immediately took back everything she said. She begged my forgiveness, said she didn't know what she was saying and didn't mean it, etc. etc. etc. So I forgave her. But to be honest, I have never really dealt with any of this. It was easier to just accept her apology and take her tears as proof that it was all a bad dream.

This year she turned 40 years old. Over the last couple of years she has lost 100 pounds. She now sees herself as a hottie and I suspect she wants to see what or who she might be able to snare, now that she feels so much more attractive.

The problem is, there's someone in the picture who has loved and LITERALLY supported her (both emotionally and financially) for ten years. That person is me and she is showing me no care, no love, no consideration whatsoever. She is thinking only of herself and of the resentments and bitterness she carries over the life we have led. We don't have much because I am the only one working, and I don't make enough for us to live a life of luxury. She has not worked since 2009 except for a three month stint after I found the blog and insisted she go to work, which she did.

What am I still doing with this person? Perhaps it's time to consider the Leaving board.