SD23 could be boderline like her mom, suddenly gives me more empathy for mom

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just realized that my SD23 could also suffer from BPD. It is hard to tell, because she's never lived with me, and some of my information is filtered through mom's very inaccurate perception of reality. (SD23 was crying for hours because dad said/did/didn't do/didn't say ______ ). I don't know if SD was crying for hours or is she said "I'm bummed that Dad ______" and mom turned that into a catastrophe.

What I do know about SD23 is that she tends to develop debilitating health issues under stress, like migraines or mono. She changes what she wants for her life frequently, and each time is quite sure that this time is the real deal. Routine changes like changing her major, and more serious changes like sexual orientation or gender. For a year, she was male, and got quite angry when we urged her to have patience before taking hormones or doing anything else that couldn't be reversed. We supported her gender change, name change, etc, but because this was outwardly so new, (she'd never seemed like a boy) and because she has a history of changing her mind about things, we wanted her to be sure before taking medical action. She is now a girl again. She graduated with her BA, and now wants to go into a very demanding graduate program that takes a lot of time and toughness to complete. Which seems like a problem for someone who gets ill when under stress. She's a bright person, but seems to lack self-awareness about some things that could be a problem for her.

She also seems to be run by her feelings and tends to lay land-mines for family members to trip over, where she can be offended at their insensitivity (usually around GLBT issues and societal gender roles).

In my reading on this board, and in books, along with recent family events, it suddenly occurred to me the other day that she might be a lot more like her mother than we've wanted to admit.

I feel compassion and concern for SD23, and somehow that generalized to compassion for her mother. As cruel as she was to my H for years, and horrid as she has been to me on occasion, I don't believe she chooses to be this way. I don't believe she chooses to have her emotions run her life and make her look batpoop crazy.

It's so strange, how I could get there intellectually about mom, but it took concern about SD to get there on a gut level and let go of my resentment.

I suspect it's still a work in progress, that my Zen will still face challenges. Has anyone else had this experience of sudden aha understanding of a pwUBPD, and am I correct in guessing it might be a two steps forward, one step back sort of progress?

Also, any suggestions for supporting SD23 in the light of her possible challenges with this disorder?

[Pidge]

I just realized that my SD23 could also suffer from BPD. It is hard to tell, because she's never lived with me, and some of my information is filtered through mom's very inaccurate perception of reality. (SD23 was crying for hours because dad said/did/didn't do/didn't say ______ ). I don't know if SD was crying for hours or is she said "I'm bummed that Dad ______" and mom turned that into a catastrophe.

What I do know about SD23 is that she tends to develop debilitating health issues under stress, like migraines or mono. She changes what she wants for her life frequently, and each time is quite sure that this time is the real deal. Routine changes like changing her major, and more serious changes like sexual orientation or gender. For a year, she was male, and got quite angry when we urged her to have patience before taking hormones or doing anything else that couldn't be reversed. We supported her gender change, name change, etc, but because this was outwardly so new, (she'd never seemed like a boy) and because she has a history of changing her mind about things, we wanted her to be sure before taking medical action. She is now a girl again. She graduated with her BA, and now wants to go into a very demanding graduate program that takes a lot of time and toughness to complete. Which seems like a problem for someone who gets ill when under stress. She's a bright person, but seems to lack self-awareness about some things that could be a problem for her.

She also seems to be run by her feelings and tends to lay land-mines for family members to trip over, where she can be offended at their insensitivity (usually around GLBT issues and societal gender roles).

In my reading on this board, and in books, along with recent family events, it suddenly occurred to me the other day that she might be a lot more like her mother than we've wanted to admit.

I feel compassion and concern for SD23, and somehow that generalized to compassion for her mother. As cruel as she was to my H for years, and horrid as she has been to me on occasion, I don't believe she chooses to be this way. I don't believe she chooses to have her emotions run her life and make her look batpoop crazy.

It's so strange, how I could get there intellectually about mom, but it took concern about SD to get there on a gut level and let go of my resentment.

I suspect it's still a work in progress, that my Zen will still face challenges. Has anyone else had this experience of sudden aha understanding of a pwUBPD, and am I correct in guessing it might be a two steps forward, one step back sort of progress?

Also, any suggestions for supporting SD23 in the light of her possible challenges with this disorder?

[mamachelle]

Hi Pidge,

Yes, I've had a similar experience over the past few years. My SS10, who I've been stepmama and primary caretaking mama for for the past 6 years suffers many of the same issues as his BPDBioMom. Even at 10 he is struggling with gender identity, somatization (illness), mood lability, abandonment issues. I actually returned to these boards in trying to deal with his issues after years of hiatus. (my exH suffers from BPD and that is what brought me here in 2005)

So, I see you have found the Supporting a Son/ Daughter board... . The folks there can give you so much insight and advice. Adult children with BPD or BPD traits are challenging... . but there are ways to help and cope.

So yes, working intensely with SS10 and numerous T's, a psychiatrist, neuropsych and reading these boards and many books have given  me a much broader understanding of the disorder and much empathy for BioMom. SS10 as well as SS15 are on the autism spectrum as well. I suspect in SS10 that his Aspergers qualities aggravate his BPD tendencies as he really struggles with reading social situations and perceives abandonment quite easily. I've also found that kids on the spectrum sometimes suffer from gender issues as well.

It's highly possible your SD has a host of issues going on that make life a little tougher for her as she moves into the adult world of work and relationships.

This video is excellent to give the neuro and psychiatric view on BPD:

BPD In Adolescence - Blaise Aguirre, MD [Video]

This is also a great link to show the genetic and environmental links to BPD:

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Remember though, that there is still quite a lot of bias in the therapist world against BPD so best to approach it from a different angle (focus on help for specific behaviors) when talking to others or seeking support for her unless she gets the diagnosis.


mamchelle

[Pidge]

Thank you for the link, excellent video (BPD in Adolescence).

I don't use the term borderline with SD, but am trying to get some context for her issues for my own processing and to make discussions with H more productive. She has a psychiatrist that she's been working with, I don't know specifics but it seems to be helping her.

[DreamGirl]

Excellent resource:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm

An excerpt that helps explain a little of manifested behaviors in adults who were shamed in childhood:

Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:

Jane Middleton-Moz

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholis, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.