It's been awhile. DD slipping again

[peaceplease]

I haven't been here lately. I have just been popping in and reading some posts, never having the energy to post.  My dd has been going downhill, since she has been off house arrest.  Her employer let her go since she was in jail.  She really has not looked too hard for a job because she says that she is too exhausted.  She really had a hard time withdrawing from methadone.  It has a very long half life and takes forever to withdraw from it.  She did have a job that lasted two days.  She was a hostess.  They had the cash registers that did not calculate the change.  She can not count change and was yelled at by her boss for being too slow.  I can't blame her for that, as she came home crying everyday.  However, she did not put much effort into finding another job.  She says that she is physically exhausted.  She started doing opiates again to get some energy.  She told me that she was only doing them because she can not function.  I encouraged her to keep her ddr. informed.

She asked her dr. for Adderall.  The dr. told her that she wanted to try other things first.  She reluctantly agreed to try my dd on a low starting dose.  She warned her not to increase on her own, or she would not prescribe anymore.  She told her to call her in a week, and they would discuss increasing her dose.  I am certain that she will want my dd to bring her pills in, and she will count to see if the count is accurate.  I don't think that she will increase just with a phone call.  My dd says they are doing nothing.  I can understand that, as she prescribed a pediatric dose.  Anyways, my dd continued with buying her opiates.  I warned her they may give her energy for a few times, but then she will NEED them to just feel normal.  And, I believe that is where she is at now.

I had a feeling that as soon as she was off house arrest that this may happen. 

Today, she was here, and as soon as I remembered that I left my purse downstairs, I ran down to check it.  My debit card was missing.  I called her and told her that I know she has it, and to return it.  She ran to the store to buy $3 creamer, but $10 was minus in my account when I checked it.  I told her not to bother to even speak to me today, that I was so beyond disgusted.  I am tired of her sitting around and feeling sorry for herself.  It is not just about her, and she has a child to raise.  And, to quit telling me she is sorry.  I told her that her sorry means nothing to me because they are just words and her actions do not show "sorry". I told her on Friday that she must apply for temporary cash assistance until she gets a job. 

I am on extremely limited contact with her as of today.  I told her to call her case manager because I do not want to take her anywhere anymore.  I will take her on Tues. to welfare office for an intake appointment, and after that she can rely on case manager.  She wants to go for legal assistance to get a "occupational driving privilege", so she can drive to work.  Her case manager can do that, as I want to be around her as little as possible.  I  am only taking her to welfare office because she needs cash ASAP.  I can not support her.

Taking my debit card today was the icing on the cake.  I was upset with her yesterday, which I wont get into, as that would make this even longer.  She sent me a text last night apologizing for her behavior, then she takes my card, today.    I need to get it together and start making boundaries and protecting my heart.

Now, that was just my dd.  My ds is heavy into his addiction as well.  He is a long story, too.   He is leaving for Florida in supposedly three weeks.  He took it for granted that he can stay here to collect another paycheck before he leaves.  He gave his landlord his notice and must be out by the end of the month.   My dd agreed to take him, but she was only doing it for me.  I am certain that wont last long, and he will want to stay here.  I will tell him, that we can try it.  But, I expect him to cut grass and do chores.  The first time my mother has a complaint, or a disagreement with my dh, then he is gone. will have a date that he is expected to leave.  That is after his last paycheck, which should be second week in June. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Ah, peaceplease. My    is with you in this. The cycle continues - the addiction is so hard to overcome when life's stresses descend on our kids. Please. please take care of yourself. I am just moving out of a long state of despair - you might have been keeping up with me.

Sounds like you are sticking to good boundaries with her getting cash benefits - I too will drive DD to do application and 'hand her off' to case manager. It is so hard when my DD refuses to work with case manager. This is boundary that sits on fine line between enabling and support. DD does have trouble asking the right questions to get her needs stated - learning disability issue. If she makes appt. I can meet her there if asked. Will not drive her anymore unless bfM comes along in car. Will not take her with gd who is now out of school and with me all the time.

Reading again the values and boundaries workshops here has helped me so much - to get focused again - the be more direct with my DD27 who is certainly on her way to jail at hearing 6/14. She has not done any of her probation since December. The PO was quite direct and harsh in his report to the court. She has been so stressed and angry/aggressive. I will not be alone with her anywhere, and am limiting her exposure to gd. Gd has detached from her mom, though we are going to meet her in a park tomorrow with dogs, dh, and bfM to celebrate her birthday.

DD's rage comes from wanting money - we have not waivered from no overnight guests or pot in the house - she and bfM are living with friends. We offered her gift card for bday, and a carton of cigarettes. She chose a grocery store card. Yesterday I got form in mail for her county cash benefit - she needs to sign and take to mental health clinic to document her disabilty. I will ask her to sign tomorrow - I will be there with gd this week anyway and can drop it off. I am leaving it up to DD to call and make appt to see her meds. provider (NP supervised by pdoc). It is a pain - call appt. line day want appt., hold for 1/2 hour and hope appts. left when you finally get through. New system is a bust as far as I am concerned.

I have gotten off track with my own story here.

These workshops have been the most helpful. The examples on I had not read before -- Value - Boundary - Action. This is the formula in this thread.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

This is the values based boundaries workshop.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries .40#lastPost

Keep coming back to let us know how things are going. Are you still spending time with gs?

qcr    

[jellibeans]

peacepeace

My heart hurts for you... . try to remove the emotions and think what you need to do... . you mentioned boundaries... . make a list and see what you can do to protect yourself.Try to find some time for yourself... . that will help you formulate a plan... . often when things are like this it is too hard to think clearly... . take some time for yourself.

These things your dd an ds do are because of their illness and addictions... . try to see it that way... . they are sick... . they need help... . but they have to be willing to help themselves. I am not sure either one is at that point so try and do what you can for yourself so you can be strong.  

[vivekananda]

peaceplease,

Please be compassionate to yourself. You can allow yourself to be compassionate to your children with your values and boundaries firmly in place.

I am so sorry it is so hard for you. Please keep in touch with us.

Vivek