I Know Not To Expect Normal... Help Me Understand What This Means

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last 3+ years have been with verbal abuse that escalated to physical but dBPDw rationalizes... . "you have made me mad because you are not as loving as you should be... . and it is clear to see that as a result... . you are the cause of our marriage issues"... . and if you don't start changing and loving me more... . I'm going to divorce you!... . it's that simple and we don't need therapy since its obvious to me and all of my friends that you have all of the problems, and not me and you alone need all the therapy!

Blaming, abuse continues and I tell my wife the only small hope is that we both have to undergo serious individual therapy for at least a year or we are doomed.  She tells me only I need the therapy and files for divorce.

We are living in separate rooms as the divorce moves to final settlement.

Since she filed  4 months ago she been into the silent treatment and telling me my attorney has no clue what he is doing and is taking way too long... . and it is clear to me that I have split to total black.

This morning like nothing has happened, out of the blue she comes out of her bedroom as I was already dressed... . she asks if I would like to go have breakfast and talk about how things are going and how things are at work!  What?  I thought my facial expression must have looked like I'd seen a freight train coming at me on the tracks!

Told her thanks but I was on my way to Starbucks and wanted to get to the car wash before the line got real long.

Total behavior shift... . what does this mean after going on almost 5 months of no conversation w / non verbal contempt and disdain!

NewWays

[NewWays]

Last 3+ years have been with verbal abuse that escalated to physical but dBPDw rationalizes... . "you have made me mad because you are not as loving as you should be... . and it is clear to see that as a result... . you are the cause of our marriage issues"... . and if you don't start changing and loving me more... . I'm going to divorce you!... . it's that simple and we don't need therapy since its obvious to me and all of my friends that you have all of the problems, and not me and you alone need all the therapy!

Blaming, abuse continues and I tell my wife the only small hope is that we both have to undergo serious individual therapy for at least a year or we are doomed.  She tells me only I need the therapy and files for divorce.

We are living in separate rooms as the divorce moves to final settlement.

Since she filed  4 months ago she been into the silent treatment and telling me my attorney has no clue what he is doing and is taking way too long... . and it is clear to me that I have split to total black.

This morning like nothing has happened, out of the blue she comes out of her bedroom as I was already dressed... . she asks if I would like to go have breakfast and talk about how things are going and how things are at work!  What?  I thought my facial expression must have looked like I'd seen a freight train coming at me on the tracks!

Told her thanks but I was on my way to Starbucks and wanted to get to the car wash before the line got real long.

Total behavior shift... . what does this mean after going on almost 5 months of no conversation w / non verbal contempt and disdain!

NewWays

[marbleloser]

Good for you for standing your ground!She's trying to intimidate you and make you doubt yourself and your attorney.She even brought her "friends" into it,so she can prove it's all you.She's also fishing for information by wanting to "talk".You've kept quiet,so she's in the dark and can't stand that.Stay the course and don't show your hand.Let your attorney do all the talking.

[catnap]

Be aware!  She has some agenda either to gather information or draw you back into the relationship and possibly get pregnant are the things that come into my mind. 

[Matt]

Do you have kids with her?

[NewWays]

Catnap & Matt... .

Holy Shxx! I will have it surgically removed fill it with sand and hang it from my rear view mirror so I can make sure I keep my eyes on it!

#1 I'm almost sure she has a replacement non that she is seeing!

#2 Like I have posted here before... . I have no understanding at all how nons try to navigate their BPD spouse and at the same time protecting with every ounce of their soul... . I just have no idea how they do it?

#4 Tha recent round of splitting has me as black as indigo ink!

NewWays

[Matt]

I'll take that as "no kids".

If you have no kids together, and you're living in separate homes, is there any reason to have continued contact with her, except through your lawyer?

If you can completely avoid any communication with her, things will get easier.

[NewWays]

Matt... .

No kids... . we are living in separate rooms in the same house due to finances... . pretty much no contact since different work schedules... . and I'm almost sure she has found her next non-hook up thus she is gone to his place since I'm the split in the black hat and her new partner owns the new white split hat.

Do you agree with catnap... . she is trying recycle to reenter... . To work a plan to get pregnant... . Rember sex has to happen before you can think about expecting the little ones!

aàr

Your thoughts ?

New  Ways

[Matt]

Yeah, that may be what's happening.  "No glove no love!"  Or better yet, no contact at all.

It's also possible she may make false accusations of violence - that's common too.

If you can live separately that will be best.

If you have to live in the same building, can you avoid any direct communication - only e-mail, which leaves a trail, or through your lawyer?

[NewWays]

Matt... .

If living in separate residences was possible... . for sure I would be in that situation, but the reality of the finances prevents that.  The financial situation is such an atomic bomb when someone you were married to…partnered with and purchased a home with, now does not care if how you divide up the assets and debt destroys you to the point where you are going to live in a cardboard box…makes you shake your head at how much learning all of us NONs still have to do so we never experience this again!

I am trying to maintain as you said, almost NC and for the real legal issues have my attorney take the lead on that... . but you really have to be careful since having your attorney communicate for you costs incremental money that you need to understand can be a retainer fee drain.

I'm trying to practice all the items from this site that talk about a calm, low key and non-confrontational approach anytime there is limited conversation.

With the total split to black…and the misinformation that friends are getting, you would think that the only real possible place for we would be in solitary confinement in the Federal facility in Colorado called SUPERMAX.

I’m just trying to take this whole thing one day at a time and get through this with a little help from my friends and my great counselor.

NewWays

[Matt]

Yeah, an attorney plus a counselor really adds to costs.  Maybe your attorney can understand that she needs to do just what you need and not add more hours than necessary.

Your state may have guidelines for alimony and division of assets.  Sometimes going by those guidelines may not be as bad as you think;  I paid way more to my wife than I should have, til I found out that my state's guidelines weren't that bad... .

[Musiccitymess]

I'm in a similar situation; mid-divorce (which I filed), stuck in same house, no kids, uber-BPD wife. I've lived under constant suspicion for so long it is nearly hilarious. I've been accused of having her followed for years. I took some cash and bought a micro-recording device from Best Buy-it is my new best friend. As with all of us, I got sick of quoting her only to be told she said no such thing. Now it's on tape.

I have ceased communication except for a stray email here or there. Silence drives her nuts, which means 100 emails and texts... . which I can use to help show the alcoholism, crazy erratic behavior, etc. I ordered the book "Splitting", and I am awaiting it's arrival to see what kind on insight it can offer.

To save costs, after "discovery" is finished, I have instructed my lawyer to contact me only when needed and I save all my questions for 1 email at a time as needed. I told atty that I didn't believe she wanted to settle, rather to initiate talks so as to initiate fights (this happened twice before I caught on). I figure that about hits the nail on the head. As for physical contact-just the look of her makes me ill now. Safe to say I've gotten "over it". All attempts to reach out are to try and get me to "say something" that will be used against me. In my case, you don't go from black back to white. Remember that!

The delusion rate is high. She looked at a picture of her making out with another guy (while married to me) and responded "that's not possible". That goes to 11 on the nuts scale in my mind. That is the kind of rationality you're dealing with-perhaps.

Friends being poisoned as well-though I am surprised at the number who tell me, "dude, you're wife has gone off the deep end". 

[NewWays]

Musiccitymess and all... .


We all post here as we each take our path to divorce.  Many behaviors seem to be the same from our BPD spouse... . but the real question is how did we ever not see what was going on?  Or, what we were getting into?  Was it denial with a strong dose of co-dependency?

The paragraph below is from the articles section... . two questions... .

Question#1

How did your marriage move into the divorce stage?  You your wife or both?

"Few things are more intoxicating than a partner who is brimming with infatuation, or more inexplicable than to watch this same person become resentful and start disengaging for no apparent reason. In a relationship with a person suffering with the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) these extreme highs and lows are commonplace.

In the most troubled of relationships, it is not unusual for a “BPD” partner to abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that you cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive and leave you to feel confused and broken-hearted.

Or you may have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools and now feel the relationship has continued to erode and you have no more to give.  So they leave you - or you break up – or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again."

Question #2 - Have you done any individual examination or assessment to better understand how and why you linked / paired up with your wife and why you either denied or were blind to all the things going on in your marriage that were unhealthy and almost guarantee the eventual breakdown will happen?

NewWays