Was looking for information to cope with H's ex, now wonder if SD suffers BPD

[Pidge]

I'm starting to wonder if my SD23 suffers from BPD.

Her mother shows all the signs, and SD is definitely enmeshed.

Some of it is hard to sort out, because some of the hints come from mom, and mom filters through her own perceptions that often don't match everyone else's reality. The symptom we only see through uBPD mom is overreaction to perceived abandonment (Mom will email that SD cried for hours because dad said/did/didn't do/didn't say hit______).

SD23 frequently changes her major, and her life. She develops migraines and other illnesses (real illnesses that often have a stress component) that sabotage her during stressful times like finals. She came out last year as a transgender man, which we supported but urged her not to rush into hormones or other medical treatments because this seemed new for her (she'd always SEEMED like a girl) and they aren't easy to reverse. She took this as lack of support. After half a year or so, she went back to her female name, and is now living as a female again. But she still uses her male facebook profile. We don't know what happened. She has been experimenting with a number of sexual and gender identities over the past five years or so.

She plans to go to grad school in a very demanding program, that is stressful even for someone with a more sturdy constitution. She hasn't ever had a "real" job.

All the financial support she asks for, she gets. I worry that my H is acting out of guilt and not wanting to be called cheap or unsupportive by either SD23 or her mom, (something he gets accused of regularly) rather than because it is really the best thing for her.

To me it looks a little like she's going to hide out in school for as long as someone will pay for it.

Has anyone else dealt with this? She is basically a good kid, and quite bright. I like her. And, there is something fragile and just... . off... . emotionally. I wonder what the best way to be supportive but not enabling is.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

What else is going on in her world? Is she asked to contribute at all to her education financially? I think your real problem is with your H... . I get the feeling that you disagree with the financial support he is supplying... . or are you concerned for sd? She does seem to be searching for her identity... . I tend to think school might be the structure she needs... . do you think she could be using school for this reason. Has she every got to a therapist?


Sorry for so many questions... . just trying to get an idea of what is going on... .  

[Pidge]

I don't disagree with financial support in general, and whatever H decides he wants to do for her I support.

The hamster in H's head is the question of supporting vs enabling. And the paradox of feeling better about helping the kids who are on track.

Both her aunt and her mom have spent their adult lives as students, changing programs and majors without finishing anything. Aunt coped with financial support from husbands at various times and her father. Mom has her divorce settlement, alimony and a new husband, so doesn't need to work.

SD23 is different from mom and aunt because she did graduate. This is encouraging. Mom and Aunt follow the quit and change right before completion pattern.

The theory now is that SD is taking a few pre req classes for med school, and looking for an EMT job. (She just finished an EMT program, to make her a better candidate for med school). So I have mixed feelings. She is moving toward her goal, and has finished both her BA and EMT program.

She is also seeing a psychiatrist regularly, for medications for anxiety, depression, and I'm not sure but I get the impression to sort out enmeshment with mom and gender identity. These things are all really good.

Two things give us pause. One is that there is a tension between H and SD23, where he walks on eggshells because she is quick to feel unsupported or offended. They have a good relationship in the small talk, recreational activity arena, but conversations about real life stuff seem dangerous. This makes conversations about finances difficult. Two is that it is difficult to picture someone with a thin skin emotionally and fragile health going through the rigors of medical school. She is quite smart, and good in school so maybe she'll toughen up and rise to the challenge. Or maybe the admissions folks will decide she isn't a candidate, and she'll have to reevaluate.

Is it better to wean her off parent support, insist she get a real job and with the offer of deferred grad school support? Or continue to support her as long as she is making forward progress, with the idea that without real world pressures she can work through her issues and have time to grow up a little bit?

It is hard for us to know, because my while my H and I are both lazy by inclination (Sunday morning lay about types) but hard working when called for and under pressure. But SD23 (and a few other of our various kids as well) seem to be the opposite. They thrive when things are smooth, but tip over and hide in bed when things get tough. It's hard to know what to do with that.

The choice is up to my H, but I do get an advisory vote, so I'm hoping for some insight.

[vivekananda]

hiya Pidge 

It can be a real challenge to know what the 'real' picture is in a situation like yours. It almost feels like walking in a minefield... . but that's ok if you have mine detectors and the sun is shining eh?

Without knowing whether you sd is BPD or not, if her mum is or could be, then at the least she would have what we call  . You know the saying, if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas? Well if you grow up in a BPD family, then whether it is nature or nurture, you will be affected. (My mum was BPD  )

There are two core skills here that we work on: validation and boundary setting.

Now, there are two excellent books that the parents here think are excellent: Lundberg's book "I don't have to make everything all better" which is about how to validate. The other is: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

In the meantime, you may want to check out the excellent articles and book reviews and such that are available to us on this site. Explore to your hearts content. This site may be helpful to you for a start:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

The parents on this board are a great source of support and know exactly how it feels to have a 'child' with BPD. I would like to encourage you to continue to post here, ask questions, give us updates etc. Let us know how it goes, ok? In this place we can learn from one another.

cheers,

Vivek