BPD costing me my kids- URGENT

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a synopsis, I have SO w/BPD (HF), and a daughter w/BPD(LF) and a stepson w/BPD(HF). We are blended, i brought 4, he brought 2 and we have one together.

I have been committed since diagnosis to learning and hanging in for the long haul w/DBT. I believe in Dr. Linehan's therapy and I have seen that it has led to remission for many. That said the three years before diagnosis were HELL. It is not a picnic now. One of the most disturbing issues has been the verbal and emotional abuse with physical acting out, whether in punching walls throwing things, throwing things at you, intimidation and threats of suicide, divorce, kicking kids out, taking my house, my step-kids, etc.

I am just learning about triangulation (read definition) and splitting so I am not sure they apply in this scenario but I have no other explanation for the constant targeting of one of my daughters. I have one son who left and will not come back no matter what, one  at one time, preferred to live in a homeless shelter than here and now, tonight my youngest daughter of my original 4 has left. She has been the focus of so much vitriolic BS. And though, I stand for her that causes more BS for the whole family and huge knock-down drag out fights. Finally, after getting everyone in therapy, including me, I set down boundaries, which are kept or not kept depending on how he feels. The fact is she has internalized all these negative messages and just believes life would be better/easier for her and for us without her here. She is fighting depression right now too. I hate this. This is the moment? The one I dreaded... . but what choice do I have? I am calling the crisis line and then reaching out to my therapist when she is back in office to make a plan, get clarity, perspective but it feels like here I am, where I never wanted to be, watching my whole life, family, dreams crumble to hell. I will not lose my children over BP BS. I paid for this home, these cars and like an idiot put his name on them in case I died. he is now threatening to talk half... . what a schmuck. But at this point, if I have to start everything over, lose everything A-freaking-gain... . then maybe the price is worth it. But I can't bare him taking my stepkids... . and what about the two year old? She is so close with ALL her siblings and has a special relationship w/ her daddy the BP SO. Can I just say I freaking HATE BP!

Thanks for letting me vent. I already bawled my head off in the shower and now I am numb, head spinning and in shock. Damn it.

[Vanillaradio]

In a synopsis, I have SO w/BPD (HF), and a daughter w/BPD(LF) and a stepson w/BPD(HF). We are blended, i brought 4, he brought 2 and we have one together.

I have been committed since diagnosis to learning and hanging in for the long haul w/DBT. I believe in Dr. Linehan's therapy and I have seen that it has led to remission for many. That said the three years before diagnosis were HELL. It is not a picnic now. One of the most disturbing issues has been the verbal and emotional abuse with physical acting out, whether in punching walls throwing things, throwing things at you, intimidation and threats of suicide, divorce, kicking kids out, taking my house, my step-kids, etc.

I am just learning about triangulation (read definition) and splitting so I am not sure they apply in this scenario but I have no other explanation for the constant targeting of one of my daughters. I have one son who left and will not come back no matter what, one  at one time, preferred to live in a homeless shelter than here and now, tonight my youngest daughter of my original 4 has left. She has been the focus of so much vitriolic BS. And though, I stand for her that causes more BS for the whole family and huge knock-down drag out fights. Finally, after getting everyone in therapy, including me, I set down boundaries, which are kept or not kept depending on how he feels. The fact is she has internalized all these negative messages and just believes life would be better/easier for her and for us without her here. She is fighting depression right now too. I hate this. This is the moment? The one I dreaded... . but what choice do I have? I am calling the crisis line and then reaching out to my therapist when she is back in office to make a plan, get clarity, perspective but it feels like here I am, where I never wanted to be, watching my whole life, family, dreams crumble to hell. I will not lose my children over BP BS. I paid for this home, these cars and like an idiot put his name on them in case I died. he is now threatening to talk half... . what a schmuck. But at this point, if I have to start everything over, lose everything A-freaking-gain... . then maybe the price is worth it. But I can't bare him taking my stepkids... . and what about the two year old? She is so close with ALL her siblings and has a special relationship w/ her daddy the BP SO. Can I just say I freaking HATE BP!

Thanks for letting me vent. I already bawled my head off in the shower and now I am numb, head spinning and in shock. Damn it.

[Vanillaradio]

Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.~ Lynne Forrest

This is my note to myself. I am only a victim of BP if I choose to be... . I do not. I have no idea what this will mean for my family and that is what is shattering my heart tonight... .

[recoil]

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.  I'm up tonight thinking about my ex's daughters and how BPD has impacted them.  My thoughts are with you and your kids tonight.

[pale-blue-eyes]

I definitely feel your pain and I know exactly just how much all of it hurts. I also have a BPDH but no kids so can't speak much on that. I would suggest that you check out the family law posting board, it sounds like things could get pretty ugly if your not prepared and know your (and his) rights. I myself got really tired of crying all the time, I had to find something to re-channel that hurt because I was just crying all the time. I have always been an artistic person and found that drawing/painting has helped to channel that emotion. I use to write and keep a journal but have a very controlling BPDH who would look for them and use them "against" me. With drawing I feel much safer because I know what I'm saying and he can't pick out words from them to rage over (but of course as with BPDr's nothings impossible). I also started to read and begin to practice meditation. I was drawn to this because of it's focus on controlling one's own mind and in turn one's own emotions. I have found that having more control over my own mind has been very helpful and alleviates some of that pain. I hope this helps,

PBE

[Vanillaradio]

Thank you! Those thoughts mean a lot from people who understand. I just got off with the crisis line. He called my son and woke him up to have him bring me his phone since I wasn't answering mine, as I was on a call. My son explained it was an important call. he made my son ask, what could be so important I didn't have time to talk to him. Then he hung up, called my phone again.

The counselor held while I took the call and explained I was speaking with the crisis line. He then wanted to know what did he do, he couldn't have done anything since he was out fishing. I said we would talk about it later but I wanted to finish my call before I lost my call. I had to repeat this and then he said fine and hung up. He then began calling my step-daughter, who was there with me, and asking her what was up. She said she didn't know and he kept calling and then texting... . Oy vey!

Luckily, the counselor was wonderful and very knowledgable in BP. She made a comment about him having absolutely no respect for boundaries. I said, "Welcome to our everyday life." She did let me know that this targeting behavior is very common for BP and while the bullseye does revolve around our family, it is very common for them to have one main target of choice on which to deflect all their self-hatred and loathing... . I felt relieved to know I wasn't crazy but also sick for my daughter who has now internalized this hatefulness.

I walked through my thoughts and feelings a bit and also told her I was posting here, reaching out... . Tonight, I am just hoping to make to make it through with no drama and no phone calls and texts to my now, 3 kids living elsewhere.

Please keep us in thought and prayer and i appreciate all feedback as I process all this.