The Way you make Me Feel …

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not sure whether this is a help to anyone but I will post just in case. I am desperately trying to find some anchor points around this. Some of the following are adapted from elsewhere on the board, others are very personal statements relating to my own situation. We are all different, I guess, but I hope that some of these chime with you and help with the continuing realisation that so many of us are experiencing similar pain:

The Way you make Me Feel …

•   You have viewed me as completely good and then completely bad with no appreciation of the shades of grey that exist in us all;

•   I have been the focus of your unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when you act perfectly normal and loving;

•   Things that I have said or done have been twisted and used against me by you;

•   You accuse me of things that I never did or said;

•   You are unable to share responsibility for any negative situation or outcome that we experience;

•   When I have confided my emotions and fears to you, you have deliberately responded in ways that would compound rather than diminish these;

•   I often find myself needing to defend and justify my intentions to you;

•   I find myself concealing what I think or feel because you do not hear me;

•   I feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to by you;

•   You have regularly employed verbal abuse to undermine my sense of self;

•   You appear unable to perceive that I am a sentient human being with my own thoughts, emotions, needs, vices and desires;

•   Through your actions, you are causing me to doubt my own sanity and threatening my mental stability.

For me, the worst one is the sixth one down   (I can get help with the last one). Why would anyone do that?

I would send it to my wife but it would be self-defeating. If half of what I say here is true then I might as well send her the menu from the kebab shop!

[dodocreek]

Not sure whether this is a help to anyone but I will post just in case. I am desperately trying to find some anchor points around this. Some of the following are adapted from elsewhere on the board, others are very personal statements relating to my own situation. We are all different, I guess, but I hope that some of these chime with you and help with the continuing realisation that so many of us are experiencing similar pain:

The Way you make Me Feel …

•   You have viewed me as completely good and then completely bad with no appreciation of the shades of grey that exist in us all;

•   I have been the focus of your unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when you act perfectly normal and loving;

•   Things that I have said or done have been twisted and used against me by you;

•   You accuse me of things that I never did or said;

•   You are unable to share responsibility for any negative situation or outcome that we experience;

•   When I have confided my emotions and fears to you, you have deliberately responded in ways that would compound rather than diminish these;

•   I often find myself needing to defend and justify my intentions to you;

•   I find myself concealing what I think or feel because you do not hear me;

•   I feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to by you;

•   You have regularly employed verbal abuse to undermine my sense of self;

•   You appear unable to perceive that I am a sentient human being with my own thoughts, emotions, needs, vices and desires;

•   Through your actions, you are causing me to doubt my own sanity and threatening my mental stability.

For me, the worst one is the sixth one down   (I can get help with the last one). Why would anyone do that?

I would send it to my wife but it would be self-defeating. If half of what I say here is true then I might as well send her the menu from the kebab shop!

[Surnia]

Dodocreek

Sounds like a tough situation you are in. 

I agree with you about not sending this list.

What keeps you in a rs with such difficult things?

[dodocreek]

Hi Surnia. Thanks for the hug. I needed one  .

The post is largely venting I guess but the simple answer to your question is that I thought I deserved it. I probably even thought it was normal, or at least not utterly and unacceptably abnormal! Now I believe I know better. I know I cannot stay with someone who makes me feel that way. The options are finding that my wife is willing to respect the boundaries around these issues (if I can find a non-destructive way to make her aware of them) or ending the relationship. Easy to write but hard to do as I remain very attached to (co-dependent on) her.

[Nearlybroken]

Your post made me cry because I could relate to every point.I have just ended my relationship today with my long term BPD partner because everything that you listed was very real in our relationship and I can no longer go on questioning my sanity and being subject to constant abuse.The fact that I strongly suspected him of cheating helped my decision-making.The pain is immense but I know that he is incapable of extending any respect to me whatsoever and I can no longer have my mind tortured by his  awful manipulation (directed only at me).I should feel empowered and strong.But I don't.Because I still love the man he was.I do hope that you find a way to save your marriage and wish you well.The only thing I can really say is that I wouldn't wish the pain and frustration that you will be going through on anyone.It's cruel to be in this situation.Just cruel

[Surnia]

Dodocreek

yes, being codependent let us sometimes forget that we need hugs too! 

And that we deserve hugs, love and respect without sacrificing our life first to someone else... .

[Wishful thinking]

•   When I have confided my emotions and fears to you, you have deliberately responded in ways that would compound rather than diminish these;

•   I often find myself needing to defend and justify my intentions to you;

•   Through your actions, you are causing me to doubt my own sanity and threatening my mental stability.

Thank you for putting the above into words which i could not express.

[starkwell]

Perfect list of the main atrocities. Thanks for laying it out like that. Obviously sending that list to my wife would be a mistake... . she wouldn't understand it anyway.

But I could put that on a laminated card and when I run into someone I haven't seen for a few years and they ask me how I've been or how's life? I could just flash them that card. Would save us both a lot of time and energy!

[Bloomer]

I completely understand how you feel. I know it isn't an easy decision to end a relationship. Are you or your wife in therapy?


I don't think any of us can get enough hugs. So you get another one.

[Linlu53]

Wow! You have described how he makes me feel to a tee! It is so frustrating and crazy making sometimes. I have always thought that he can't help it. And now I am finding out that he probably can't. I try to remember the good in him, but after 35 years of this I'm afraid I have allowed him to kill some of the good in me!

[dickL]

Linlu53, sadly familiar . 37yrs with uBPDw . i feel emotionally mauled . will not see T. she's been gone 2mos w nc . that at least has taught me to work hard on myself and get through the anger stage , multiple infidelities with many partners . also learned i've never had control of her and i'm only in charge of me . i do love her but that's not approval of her uncontrolled behaviors for all these years . divorce isn't recommended by att. 25s , mentally handicapped , is my prime concern . don't beat yourself up. see a therapist if your not . i want to live and hopefully enjoy life , lot of work ahead for me. "high conflict couple" by fruzzeti is a good read. good luck , you're never alone in this.