UnBPD is sexting and propositioning his female friends for sex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well I have not been on here in a year or so.  At the time this BPD thing just got way too heavy of a load for me to carry so I tried to forgot about it.

Anyway my unBPDH is back to his old tricks of sexting and asking his friends on Facebook that live in our town if they want to have one night of no strings attached sex.  I found this out by yes, looking at his phone he left unlocked.  He won't let me use his phone for anything and always keeps it by his side so I knew something was up again.  Actually he probably never stopped in the last 8 years or whatever.

This isn't the first time this has happened but the fact that he's willin to now admit to some of these women he's married is a sign he's getting bolder. 

I haven't confronted him but I took screen shots for evidence not necessarily for him but perhaps in the future a divorce.  I don't have financial or familial support to make that happen ATM.  I lost my job and all of my savings have been depleted, savings I planned to use to leave if I decided to come to that.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here now after all this time but its so comforting to know sadly I am not the only one in these situations.

I realize strongly now I need to be in therapy and am working on getting a payment plan set up to make that happen as I am now uninsured and broke.

[wellnowonder]

Well I have not been on here in a year or so.  At the time this BPD thing just got way too heavy of a load for me to carry so I tried to forgot about it.

Anyway my unBPDH is back to his old tricks of sexting and asking his friends on Facebook that live in our town if they want to have one night of no strings attached sex.  I found this out by yes, looking at his phone he left unlocked.  He won't let me use his phone for anything and always keeps it by his side so I knew something was up again.  Actually he probably never stopped in the last 8 years or whatever.

This isn't the first time this has happened but the fact that he's willin to now admit to some of these women he's married is a sign he's getting bolder. 

I haven't confronted him but I took screen shots for evidence not necessarily for him but perhaps in the future a divorce.  I don't have financial or familial support to make that happen ATM.  I lost my job and all of my savings have been depleted, savings I planned to use to leave if I decided to come to that.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here now after all this time but its so comforting to know sadly I am not the only one in these situations.

I realize strongly now I need to be in therapy and am working on getting a payment plan set up to make that happen as I am now uninsured and broke.

[wellnowonder]

P.S.  confrontations in the past have lead to exhausting arguments, complete denial, then finally I get the blame for him seeking love or sex outside the marriage.  It's always been my fault.  I don't withhold sex because he wants it so infrequently!  I know it's because he gets his thrills from cheating on me now tho :/

[Vanillaradio]

I am so sorry for you. Betrayal is so crushing emotionally and spiritually. It is so hard not to blame yourself, even if you know better, it still is such a blow to the self-esteem. But you HAVE to know no matter what crap they talk, their decision is ONLY their responsibility.

You didn't say if you have children. I know that makes things harder, it does for me.

I wanted to let you know that most county mental health is income based. That is where I go. Also, if you have a co-dependents anonymous in your area, this is free at least helps with learning to place/enforce boundaries and helps to begin building self-esteem.

I truly wish that the places that treat BPD also saw the desperate need to have family groups for loved ones of BP's. Do things to build you. get out with friends, family, get to your place of faith... . whatever nurtures you. Take care of you! And don't believe the BS.

[wellnowonder]

Thank you so much Vanillaradio.  I did look into Coda but the closest is 25 mins away so that's out for now.  But I appreciate the support

[House of Mirrors]

Hi

I too really feel your pain here. This is one very difficult behaviour to deal with - whatever the degree of any betrayal or whether a phyical line has been crossed or not. It affects our sense of self-worth and trust in people which is huge.

The best thing I have found is to recongnise any codependency issues you may have and to start to face your own recovery / focus on you. It is the only way to really change the dynamic in a way that will heal you. Starting to understand WHY you have such a high tolerance to people and situations that most people would run from screaming and where the roots of this lie are crucial in understanding you and aiding your recovery.

Two very worthwhile and important books that have helped me are The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverley Engel (in fact she has written other really useful books too so do check those out) and also Charles L Whitfield's books Healing the Child Within and A Gift to Myself.

Don't feel you are the only one dealing with these issues alone as you aren't. I know it is hard if you have no support network as I don't have one but counselling should help you a lot in that respect as you will be able to offload safely. Start to consider your options and try not to paint yourself into a corner with all or nothing thinking about your choices. Just because you have put up with people in the past who treat you with disresepct does not mean that you cannot learn to exit these situations and start to put healthy boundaries in place and get your needs met.

Also, if you think he is having sex with other women, you have the right to refuse to be intimate with him in order to protect yourself. That is an example of a safe boundary that you could enfore whereby you are protecting yourself.

This is a marathon, not a sprint and you will have lots to deal with if you are to recover but it will be YOUR stuff, not his that you need to address. Codependecy keeps us blind to ourselves until we move away from acting upon our unconscious patterns. Codependency keeps us in our false self or adapted self, acting in a way that once protected us but may no longer be helpful if we want to recover and become whole.

I hope this helps a little. Hang in there,



HoM

[wellnowonder]

Vanillaradio and House of Mirrors,

I wanted to update you and let you know I attended my first coda meeting last night.  I actually reached out to a friend who several years ago suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  She never labeled my unBPDh or explained why I should read the book.

Anyway I contacted her to see of she still had CODA books, and she invited me to ride with her to the meetings that are 25 mind away!  I didn't realize she was still attending and I am so grateful she is because I dot think I could have went alone.

So yay, step one!

[rj47]

Interesting how "we" become the source of anger for discovering their illicit relationships.

I accidently uncovered a somewhat torrid on-line relationship that my wife was having a year ago with an old HS friend. Its one thing to send photos and throw yourself at a stranger... . another to disgracefully disparage the man that you claim to have loved for thirty years over and over to that same stranger. I tried to put her a plane a year ago to see him. She wouldn't go, but still fights with me about it saying "he's a loser, its your my fault for not giving me attention, I was bored!" And when she wants to hurt... . "Yeah I want to F him", "he's more of a man than you'll ever will be", etc.  The things she told him hurt as much (maybe more) than a physical affair.

I don't know the best coping method for such things but whenever the event with the guy is thrown in my face; I offer up that since it continues to be an issue, we should put her on a plane at the first opportunity to spend time with him... . and maybe give me the out I really need. Maybe you will never get him to stop... . but perhaps its time to let him know that you might have to open yourself up to similar opportunities should they arise.

[wellnowonder]

rj47 I feel your pain and have started taking a similar approach when this happens.  Suggesting he go for it that way I can move on as well.  Unfortunately he always denies he would ever act on any of these online relationships so its usually a big NO.

And last week I did end up telling him I knew about all of this.  He denied at denied at first and then blamed me for not giving Enough attention, just as expected.  He swore it would never happen again and I told him if I had any less sense or a perfect opportunity then I may end up cheating on him at this point.  I think that may have bothered him.  But not enough to delete his online profiles on a dating website.

So I didn't bring that up, instead a few days later I created my own profile on one of the sites he was using.  I used my real name, pic, location etc.  It took him exactly 15 minutes to call me freaking out wondering why I had a profile up on a dating site. I told him I was lonely and asked why he still had profiles and was obviously checking them regularly.  He admitted or says he gets off talking to other women and I made it clear that is cheating to me.  He ended up deleting his profiles and was pretty upset at what I had done but I think it opened up his eyes for a second about how I feel.  And of course I didn't talk to anyone on the website or respond To messages before I deleted it, but H knows or thinks I am willing to o as far as him outside of the marriage.  Which in all honesty I am not but maybe it helps to have him realize how it hurts.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do or whether it was mature or constructive, but it got H to delete his profiles for the time being and maybe got him thinking.

[House of Mirrors]

WellNoWonder,

Wow! I like your style. It took balls to do that, who cares if it was mature. Surely one way to build empathy is to let them walk a mile in your shoes and we all get tired of being the grown up, being the brunt of everything, propping up etc. so why not huh?

I liken your approach to child/child - i.e. act like them and see what they make of it. It disrupts the dynamic as they are used to you being the adult so they can continue to rebel against you. It is the same approach I used to use with my little brother when he had a tantrum. I used to lie down next to him and copy his moves and he just ran out of steam and usually started laughing when he saw what an ass he looked! Maybe by mirroring them in this way we are providing valuable feedback? They can draw their own conclusions.

I will take your approach and put it in my bank for future reference. I think it forces them to confront their unreasonableness, selfishness and childishness and that cannot be a bad thing! Sometimes it ain't what you say, it is what you do


Glad to hear your Coda is going well. Keep us posted.

HoM

[papawapa]

Be ready for the whole profile thing to blow up in your face. He will convince himself that you cheated. He will be back on the dating sites and if he hasn't cheated yet, he will now see cause to cheat now.