Anxiety question, please help

[Tkwoody]

Sorry I have been gone a while... . just got a new house

Here is my question, my undiagnoised BPD sd9 is struggling with entertaining herself. With all our unpacking she is asking everyone ( ad nasuem) what she can do to help or if she can follow them. She is making us all crazy. My two dd's 10 and 7 are trying to be patient, nicely saying " no thank you" but then my sd9 seems to get anxious and pesters under foot even more. When I gave her a task she then said it was not working ( not true) and then proceeded to go take the task of my bio dd 7. So,here it is... . has anyone with a Kung son or daughter ever seen anxiety in their BPD's ? And does it manifest itself into a lack of them being able to entertain themselves? Does the anxiety get worse the more they annoy others and get rejected?

Just looking for some light in the dark.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

So,here it is... . has anyone with a Kung son or daughter ever seen anxiety in their BPD's ?

Hi Tkwoody, I am a tad confused by what i hope is a typo. Otherwise, you'll have to explain to me what a Kung son or daughter means... .

Anxiety is common in BPD. It comes from our primary emotion of fear I believe. My dd was highly anxious. I was too. Depression is another companion also.

Changing house is one of the highest stressors for anyone. It's up there with divorce, death and other big causes of anxiety. Given the BPD person's concern with abandonment, it would likely trigger all sorts of unconscious fears.

Are there ways to make her feel more a part of the family setup? It sounds as if she wants to belong and be included and a part of the whole thing, but doesn't have the ability to know how to initiate this for herself. Can you design a task that is achievable, with short term steps that build to a greater result so you can give her one small task at a time. This way she can report back and be in touch when she has done each step. Then at the end, she would have completed something big. But also, something that doesn't mean she has responsibility for the 'whole' thing so she can stop doing it if she chooses - and do something else?

This is an important opportunity to learn something about being responsible for your actions.

others may have ideas too,

Vivek    

[Reality]

Your dd isn't trying to be annoying, as you know.  Her anxiety makes it very difficult for her to complete a task on her own, as her cognition level is very low.  Anxiety is emotional dysregulation.  Emotional dysregulation lessens cognition, even can shut down the ability to think clearly totally.

Your dd may appear okay, but she isn't  and she doesn't know why.  When I am anxious, it helps to be near someone, even physically.  It helps to be working with someone, as the other person's working and thinking provides a patterning for the anxious person.  It grounds the anxious person.  

I think that actual physical bodies being near without any words or actions provide a container, a soothing effect for the anxious soul.

That is why we come to the bpdfamily board, at least for me.  It helps to connect with others, just to know someone is near.

Changes create anxiety for everyone.  Your daughter needs ways to soothe herself.  Maybe ask her what makes her feel good, when you are very busy with other things.  Explain that she is an important contributor to the family workload and that you are kind of clueless about what tasks she might like to do.  The conversation will take time, yet listening to her, you will learn a lot and help ease her pain at the same time.

Reality

[lbjnltx]

You have received some good replies here TKwoody!

To sum it up... . have your sd9 work alongside you or someone else... . doing simple tasks to keep her engaged socially... . talking all the while and asking her for her thoughts?

IE:  unpacking dishes, have her put the papers in a trash bag as you unwrap each one, ask her which cabinet she thinks makes sense for the drinking glasses to go in.  If you  happen to disagree with her be sure to validate her ideas and then explain your thinking and ask her  if she thinks that will work or if that makes sense?... . this teaches her how to problem solve with others amicably. This keeps her connected to the process of change and lets her know she is an important family member.  This can also keep her grounded in the moment cognitively which will reduce anxiety.  Anxiety can cause nervous energy... . putting that energy towards a task can teach her how to self soothe.

Congrats on the new home!  Very exciting and also stressful.

lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

TK

I just wanted to add my two cents... . my dd has a lot of anxiety and things stress her the most when there is a change... . new school etc... . she never transitioned well from one activity to another... . I think she that for what it is is important... . she might seem to be annoying but she is probably just a bit worried about all the new things... . keep trying to include her... . maybe there is a craft project she can do to decorate her new room... . in time things will get better  

[mamachelle]

Hi TK,

Yes, just adding in my .02 to these great responses.

Boredom and Anxiety are huge issues with my SS10. The interventions and meds have helped reduce it by 50% but my SS10 will still cry if he feels bored sometimes.

My suggestion is to have all 3 kids come up with lists of things they can do when they are bored.

Work with all 3 on chore charts with rotating chores that are all the same.

My SS10 will sometimes pull a cinderella attitude ( he has 2 Step sisters as well ) and having these chores decided on ahead of time help.

Develop some simple behavior rules with them.

Look into a reward system for all 3 kids. It is good that all 3 are close in age so you can get all 3 of them working on this.

Have ALL this (boredom reminders, chore charts, rules) posted on the refrigerator or public place in the house.

Also suggest TV chart for who controls the TV remote when. It's amazing how much power our TV chart has in our house!

During summer have those girls in camp. Have as much structure and planned activities and schedule as possible.

For these unpacking days-- send all 3 girls out to a movie with a sitter and keep them out as much as possible.

These problems don't go away but the more you anticipate the better.

Allow SD9 to go to her room or find some other soothing activity.

One example for me of a particular anxiety: My 3SS all have some types of food (when/what/why are we eating!) anxiety issues.

So, now, I make sure I know what we are having for dinner ahead of time so I can tell them when they ask. I also will go home and cook dinner first then pick them up from school so there is less empty time waiting for food.

On the weekends, Dad takes the boys out for a snack or lunch. They love this. Food is huge with many boys.

For girls it may be something else- like anxiety over what they are going to wear or homework assignments and having fits about it right before school. I would have them plan the night before and set aside time for that.

I don't know exactly what is going on day to day in your house that causes her anxiety but planning ahead really really helps.

 

mamachelle

[Reality]

mamachelle,

So true!  A T changed my life when she simply told me that organization is the key to dealing with anxiety.

Exercise and nutrition are the other keys.

And going slow, easy does it... .

Reality

[Tkwoody]

Everyone,

These posts and suggestions are excellent!

Reality,

What you wrote about anxiety is exactly what the dr said yesterday.

He also said he does not think she has BPD! He said she has uber low self esteem and issues,with cognition and comprehension, plus all that leads to major anxiety! You all nailed it right in the head.

Tomorrow we go back to the therapist to learn about anxiety and how to best deal with it.

Thanks again everyone