Do they come back?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My BP and I have been on and off for 4 of the last 5 years. I posted some things on facebook seeking answers (not eluding that it was him) and he was mortified. A few days thereafter, he cancelled me off the health insurance and "hooked up" with someone from work. Will he ever contact me again or is the "pubic humiliation" a done deal?

Confused - Please help!

[aviator7]

My BP and I have been on and off for 4 of the last 5 years. I posted some things on facebook seeking answers (not eluding that it was him) and he was mortified. A few days thereafter, he cancelled me off the health insurance and "hooked up" with someone from work. Will he ever contact me again or is the "pubic humiliation" a done deal?

Confused - Please help!

[raindancer]

There might be others who agree with me on this - but I think Facebook can be harmful to all r/s not just those with BPD... . I know it's created a lot of grief for me. 

For the benefit of my own sanity I no longer have my pwBPD, his family or anyone close to him on my Facebook. My own boundary and one that works for me... . but that's just me.

"Will he ever contact me again or is the "public humiliation" a done deal?"

He might contact you again, the question is - how are you going to approach it when/if he does?

How are you handling him "hooking up" with someone from work?

If he is seriously gone with this other person, how are you about moving forward without him?

How will you handle it if he decides to come back to you?

Sometimes the answers aren't so much about them, sometimes the best answers are those we find in ourselves... . untangles the confusion.

You don't know what he will do, all you can answer is what you will do.

[Mr Bean]

Damn facebook. She found me from fb and found my replacement also from fb

[aviator7]

Hi Raindancer,

We had differntiating views on family matters, so I put objective facts/info about his daughter to solicit feedback from others so I could validate the inappropriate behavior and he would have reason to address it.   Of course, he took it as a personal blow and that he was a bad father and a pervert, and that is when he went "no contact", etc... .

What I find astounding is how he can "hook up" with someone on the first point of contact (obviously neither has morals) and then continue along in a relationship and totally shun me?

After learning of this info, I have since blocked him off of facebook, my phone, email, etc... .   and went total ("no contact"

I felt the need to apologize for "inadvertently" hurting his feelings (and minimize the "paint it black" scenario, but I wouldnt to look weak or like I still wanted him (I wouldnt give him that pleasure).

I would have been able to move on easily (as I have through the many breakups), but absolutely degraded and mortified over the situation and wonder if what they say is true and if he will contact me as I would get some form of closure and validation if he did.

Thanks!

[Clearmind]

Your relationship has been on and off for 4 of the 5 years – I would say they do come back – you have proved it…however you also took her back. You hold the power here to do what you want with your life.

If she comes back what do you want to do? Only you know what is best for you. Are you walking on eggshells?

[aviator7]

This happens to be different circumstances.   He is sleeping with someone else and completely embarrassed over the facebook surveys.

Can they jump into a one night stand and make it last long term?

[laelle]

If your ex is BPD then the dynamics of his relationship will always be abandoning or being abandoned.  Its in his script to do so.

Will he come back?  Why does that matter?  What about you?  Five years of it?  I thought maybe a couple articles might assist you.

This is how yours and other relationships of your ex have probably and will probably progress. https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

You are trying to have a whole relationship with someone who cant meet you half way.  If he is BPD, he is mentally ill, and without years of therapy,

one of you will always be left or leave.

In my personal experience, apologies get the opposite reaction that we desire.  They dont have much empathy or trust, therefore your apologies appear like excuses or guilt to them.  I am wondering why you felt you had to make your comment on your facebook at all unless you were intentionally trying to get his attention?




Laelle  

[aviator7]

We were in a constant argument over his daughters inappropriate behavior, clothing, etc... .   and he would deny it (as usual), but then he would go into detail about how I am crazy for making these conclusions and I must hate his daughter, etc... .    after the hundreth time, I couldnt take the blame/insanity so I listed all of the behavior in an unbiased factual manner and asked for opinions from others... .

He FLIPPED, just about that time a 26yo co-worker started contacting him. On the first online chat she not only initiated sexual talk but went explicit details and how she was going to do it in person on Sunday when he was in town at the hotel.   Since then, they have been in inseperable contact... .

I didnt think anything of the fight as he ALWAYS came back before as I would just ignore him and let him have his space.  The only thing different this time is that he had someone aggressively pursuing him and it was an easy fix.

I would have an easy time moving on if he hadn't hooked up, it is just killing me and I would feel better if it would just dissolve then I could move on.

[laelle]

Aviator, leaving a relationship sucks, BPD or not.  I understand how leaving this relationship is different as I have just been through some of the same stuff.

You cant control him or what he does, you can only control how YOU respond to it.  Arguing with someone with BPD is pointless.  They will always win or will twist reality until they do win.  Absolute truth isnt important... . only enough truth to justify their actions to themselves is needed.  This can be interpreted with extreme prejudice.

You are placing all the blame on the other person in his life, why is that?

You dont really exist to someone with BPD other than being an outlet for their emotional garbage.  If you cease to take in the garbage, they will find another to take it.

You got unlucky, or as I see it lucky, that he found someone else to take it before he was able to make his way back.  Someone with BPD lacks empathy and really does not care how you feel any further than how it affects them.  Out of sight, out of mind, until they want or need something.

[aviator7]

Hi Laelle,

Thank you for your responses.

In regards to your questions about the other person.  I am not placing blame on her at all, I was trying to show how she is completely immoral and wonder how he could pursue a relationship with someone so distateful, crude and sexually explicit when he has abandonment issues?   I would think that he would be scared to death of her.

I also know that he will be telling everyone a different story of how wonderful she is and validating that I was a b==== and how this one is totally perfect.   Im sure he wont disclose how she solicited him with sex... .

[laelle]

Don't worry Karma always bites the deserving in the ass.  Its not really your problem what he tells others and what others choose to believe.  Your true friends and family believe in you.  She offered him a quick meal.  He didnt have to spend months idealizing her to get her to hook on.  From what you say it could be a NPD/BPD match made in heaven.  Sit back and watch or if you prefer RUN 

[blurry]

 Every time my pwBPD leaves (I don't even know what to call her right now, she friend zoned me earlier this week then professed undying love and invited me over for sex 2 nights and 3 days before totally withdrawing two nights ago) but from my experience, you can do almost anything to a pwBPD and they still come back. I just went on such a mudslinging campaign to anyone and everyone who knows her, for two weeks straight, and she came right back, and everyone still thinks she's an absolute angel. Most likely, everyone thinks I'm the bad guy and she's an absolute sweetheart. Plus in my experience, she has an amazing ability to erase her mind of whatever she feels the need to suit herself. This includes all the promises and commitments she's ever made to me. Its absolutely amazing, the selective memory, but in my case, as someone who loves her deeply and wants to be with her, she has an amazing ability to forgive too. Can't believe I still treat her like she's mentally healthy, when I know I'm dealing with a pwBPD, separating a person from their behavior is so difficult.

[momtara]

He probably will come back.  Their moods and even their memories of what happened change.  I thought my husband was done after I filed a restraining order.  He was angry at first and ready for divorce... . then slowly he calmed down, and now he's begging to come back.  You know that it's a cycle with them.

But it sounds like you have to get to a place someday that you don't want him to come back.  Maybe you miss him now, but he sounds unhealthy.

[danley]

I don't know if it's public humiliation that's the focal point with him seeing this new person. I think it could be a mixture of many things. Maybe hes filling the void. Maybe he finds it easier to erase what you had by starting with someone new? Impulsivity seems like it could be playing out too. It's hard to determine as you never really know what's going on in someone else's head.

Whatever the reason, I'm sure he is EXPECTING a certain reaction from you. Whether it be to hurt or signify that he's over you. Well, at least that's what he NEEDS to prove to himself. But I wonder if a BPD was unable to emotionally be in a relationship with a person, what makes them think they can magically be ready for someone new so quickly?

I've had my ex tell me about someone he might be interested in and it boggled my brain because all the excuses he gave me for not being in a relationship went out the door. Honestly it made me think it was something about ME that made him leave. But I know NOW, that it's always been about HIM... . his fears, guilt, shame, low self esteem, paranoia, and constant need to never be a disappointment to those who don't know his insecurities. And the frankly nobody has ever seen him without the healthy mask he wears. So hence when he revealed he was soon talking to someone new, I felt in my heart he was just trying to follow a made up script he THINKS will get him the approval of the majority of his audience. Perhaps there's an unknown script your ex feels he needs to follow in order to relieve himself of his pain and self loathing?  Because it would kinda suck if he were just seeing this new gal just to humiliate you!

IT is very confusing aviator. I know it leaves you scratching your head. I hope you find peace with your situation and are able to come out stronger.

[danley]

Geez... .

I didn't even answer your original question... . will he come back?

I don't know your relationship history cycles. But if he came back before, they might be a chance. If he believes this new person fulfills enough for him at his present needs, he may not. Just depends on him. But honestly, I wouldn't want to stick around for the on and off again relationship dynamic.

So your question might wanna be instead:

":)o I want him to come back?"

[Gaslit]

A better question, ":)o they ever go away?"

The answer: Nope.

We must do that.

Else you become a tweener -- that is, in-between the latest, and next. The fallback position. On the shelf until needed.

It's all about them. It really is. It's maybe not on purpose, but it IS what it is.

I'm guessing you deserve more.