It's such a struggle.

[Nearlybroken]

I don't know why I should feel worse today than any other day but I do.My pwBPD rang me yesterday whilst I was at work.I know this was to shout at me because recently he only phones to scream abuse at me.I missed his call so called him back... . usual no reply/hanging up the phone etc.I won't go into details (too long winded a story) but I know he has been portraying me to others as being exactly  like his ex wife.Though I now know he is likely to have portrayed her in black terms to me I also know from others that she was an unpopular,violent nasty abusive woman.I have no idea why, out of all of the crap that has been thrown at me,being compared publically to this woman has destroyed me.I have never being aggressive towards anybody in my life and have spent today sobbing at the thought of others thinking I could be capable of that.I know people say not to let these things get you down but it is so hard being portrayed this way.I can't explain it... . everytime I say/do something "wrong" (pretty much all of the time) I get compared to her.Yet a few months ago they became friendly again(?).I am just finding everything a struggle now: the abusive language,the ignoring,the twisted thought processes... . I could go on but you will all know what it is like.I am just feeling very sorry for myself.

[Newton]

Hey Nearlybroken... . apologies, I haven't read your back story so I'll address the issues you raised in your post.

A few questions... . if you knew what you were going to get, why did you call back?... .

Do you have a therapist to help you through all this?... .

Have you explored codependency?... . taking our value from others opinions, and striving to be perfect in the eyes of others are sure fire ways to exacerbate poor self esteem... .

[Nearlybroken]

I seem to always fall into the trap of responding to him.When I try not to it just makes things worse.I really cannot win.Codependency could be my middle name.It just seems to be getting worse everyday.I cannot get therapy as I cannot afford to pay for it.he turned up at the house today... . talked about getting his hair cut.I didn't respond.The fact that I didn't respond meant that I didn't care and this triggered what I can only describe at the most hurtful conversation I have ever had.He told me that he didn't need to ask my permission to see other people,it wasn't his fault if people thought badly of me.It wasn't his problem that I was getting upset over things.The only direct question I asked him was whether he was seeing this particular woman.He wouldnt give me an answer.So cruel... . whatever the answer is, he knows that it will be difficult for me not to know (if that makes sense).He can't even extend me the courtesy of a response.Mind you when I previously asked him (during a period when he became friendly with his ex wife behind my back) whether they were reuniting his response was "if we do you will be the first to know".I was living with him at the time.I know he is cheating so about an hour ago I told him that he needs to leave permenantly.He packed some things.I have to be strong now and forget the relationship we had... . that went months ago.I just have to remember that I was in an abusive relationship.Despite everything I still care about him.Truth is he is incapable of caring about me.The new woman is welcome to him... . she too will find out soon.

[Newton]

His behaviour is frankly disgusting... . thats all I have to say about it... . I'm much more concerned about you right now.

I have a link that might really help... . I hope you check it out and work through the program... . it won't cost you a penny 

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

It made a huge difference to my life... . maybe it could work for you too 

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for the link Newton.I will take a look.I know I will feel stronger soon but I just feel defeated at the moment.And so very hurt.I guess it is hard to accept that I have been on the receiving end of such cruelty and I have allowed it for so long.I think that I just got used to saying " It's his BPD" and accepting his behaviour.Wrong I know but I hate confrontation and get very upset by arguments. I wish I could put into words how destructive it is to be on the receiving end of BPD... . but I just can't.I cannot actually comprehend that this has happened to me :'(

[dodocreek]

The clue is in your username. You may be nearly broken but you are not actually broken! You have realised that someone is treating you abominably and today you have taken a positive step to put an end to this. You may grieve and have doubts in the coming weeks but is clear from the sensitivity in your posts that you deserve a lot better than you have been getting.

I don't normally like improving one liners but I came across this the other day and it ticked the box for me. "When someone puts you down and treats you badly, just remember there is something wrong with them and not you. Decent people do not go around destroying other human beings because they respect other people's feelings."

I wish you well. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

have never being aggressive towards anybody in my life and have spent today sobbing at the thought of others thinking I could be capable of that.

I know people say not to let these things get you down but it is so hard being portrayed this way.I can't explain it... . everytime I say/do something "wrong" (pretty much all of the time) I get compared to her.

I know how you feel.  I feel the same way at times.  When I'm painted Black, my BPDH tells everyone he knows how evil I am.  Since he mostly talks to people who've never met me, they naturally believe that he's telling the truth.  My family and friends tell me not to care what H is telling others.  However, since H's listeners have been "advising" him based on lies, I do get affected by these lies.  One person convinced my H to call our cell phone company and have my phone and my younger son's phone disconnected.  I had to spend a lot of time and money getting the phones turned back on and to set up security settings with my cell phone company to prevent this from happening again.  

H had lied to this person and had told him that I wouldn't allow H to have a Smart Phone.  H had a smart phone, but found it too be too confusing so he went back to a simple phone.  However, he told others that my son and I have indulged ourselves with Smart phones, while "sticking him" with a simple phone.  So, his friend encouraged him to turn off our phones... . all based on lies.  

There have been many other cases where H has followed the directives by others who have based their opinions on H's lies... . garbage in, garbage out.

So, the point is that while I shouldn't have to care, I do care because of how I actually get affected.

[Nearlybroken]

It's awful isn't it?I wish I could detail how much I have gone through at the hands of his lies and distortions ( won't as it would be too lengthy a post).And it's frustrating because when they are pointed out and you try and stand up for yourself it just gets twisted by more distortion.My ex had no empathy for the situations he has placed me in.In fact, I honestly think he got a kick out of seeing me hurting and crying and trying desperately to stand up for myself in the face of his constant lies. :'(

[Newton]

How have things been for you Nearlybroken ... . ?

Did you have some time to check out the link I posted?... .

[Nearlybroken]

Hello Newton,

I am firmly now on the leaving board!Past few days have been a struggle to be honest ... . but I know I will get there... . it's just going to take a long time.I have come to realise that I probably have little in the way of support through this... . and have been painted black to several people but I guess that is just the way it goes.I did look at the link... . thank you so much... . It's strange but I feel like I have received so much more support through the people on here than my friends and family.It's a comfort to know that I can write what is happening and have nobody disbelieve  me or judge me or tell me "when " to get over things.My ex has been creating a few problems for me I guess I always knew that I would come out of this looking like the bad guy... . irony is that nothing could be further from the truth!

[Newton]

I know where you are coming from... . I have major codependent traits... . it's was so important to me that I preserve and maintain that "perfect" image for the world to see.  Resolute, steadfast, unswaying... . even though I felt miserable on the inside.  Why was it so important I pretended for the sake of others?... .

I am of the belief that the great folks on bpdfamily.com are a very tight knit group of friends... . we have been through the same... . we know the score.  Therefore we can give advice, support, empathy etc from a very truthful (rather than patronizing) place... . "there there... . it'll be better" works for a few hours when you are really down.  "I went through this, this is what you need to do... . and things DO get better"... . is what we offer here 

I will see you on the leaving board, great to see you posting