How they deal with their emotions differently

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DD told me something interesting yesterday.  She is taking summer classes and is taking a class in Public Speaking.  she told me that she had to bring something in that said something about herself.  On the way to class yesterday I asked her what she was bringing in and she kept avoiding the discussion.  I didn't push it but hoped she had prepared herself.  On the way home I asked her how her speech went and she told me it went well but she believed she might have talked to fast. I asked her what she brought in and she said her sneakers.  I looked at them, they are really my older daughters, but she lets her wear them whenever she wants.  I asked her what her sneakers said about her.  She told me she told the class that she has a very difficult time dealing with other peoples emotions.  She explained that her sister was going through a very difficult time lately being recently diagnosed and suffering badly with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.  She talked about the fact that she wishes she knew how to comfort her sister.  That the night before her sister was crying and she became panicy.  She wanted to put her arm around her to comfort her but she couldn't.  She couldn't touch her or get to close and she didn't know what to say.  She says this causes her extreme anxiety.  The sneakers belong to her sister and even though she knows her sister is unaware of this, it is her way of feeling close to her.  She said she wears them whenever her sister is not feeling well or is upset and sometimes it even helps DD feel better when she herself is feeling badly and that sometimes she will even just take a piece of clothing from her sister to wear when she needs it. I just said that I thought that was very sweet and I asked her if she could tell her sister that and she said no.

I didn't push the issue at all.

I have noticed over the past few years that my once cuddly toddler really does not like being touched very often.  I am careful not to hug or kiss her without asking and even when she says it is okay I haven't had one of those warm heartfelt hugs in three years.  DD will often idstance herself from any type of emotional issue from anyone else.  If I am sad and she notices I can see that she becomes visibly nervous.  She will offer suggestions for how I can feel better but will never come over and just hug me or comfort me n a more emotional way.  I am wondering if anyone else has this issue.

Griz

[griz]

My DD told me something interesting yesterday.  She is taking summer classes and is taking a class in Public Speaking.  she told me that she had to bring something in that said something about herself.  On the way to class yesterday I asked her what she was bringing in and she kept avoiding the discussion.  I didn't push it but hoped she had prepared herself.  On the way home I asked her how her speech went and she told me it went well but she believed she might have talked to fast. I asked her what she brought in and she said her sneakers.  I looked at them, they are really my older daughters, but she lets her wear them whenever she wants.  I asked her what her sneakers said about her.  She told me she told the class that she has a very difficult time dealing with other peoples emotions.  She explained that her sister was going through a very difficult time lately being recently diagnosed and suffering badly with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.  She talked about the fact that she wishes she knew how to comfort her sister.  That the night before her sister was crying and she became panicy.  She wanted to put her arm around her to comfort her but she couldn't.  She couldn't touch her or get to close and she didn't know what to say.  She says this causes her extreme anxiety.  The sneakers belong to her sister and even though she knows her sister is unaware of this, it is her way of feeling close to her.  She said she wears them whenever her sister is not feeling well or is upset and sometimes it even helps DD feel better when she herself is feeling badly and that sometimes she will even just take a piece of clothing from her sister to wear when she needs it. I just said that I thought that was very sweet and I asked her if she could tell her sister that and she said no.

I didn't push the issue at all.

I have noticed over the past few years that my once cuddly toddler really does not like being touched very often.  I am careful not to hug or kiss her without asking and even when she says it is okay I haven't had one of those warm heartfelt hugs in three years.  DD will often idstance herself from any type of emotional issue from anyone else.  If I am sad and she notices I can see that she becomes visibly nervous.  She will offer suggestions for how I can feel better but will never come over and just hug me or comfort me n a more emotional way.  I am wondering if anyone else has this issue.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

oh yes.  My dd does the friend hug with all her friends she gives me the exact same quick arms around with no real affection.

She never does kisses.

When she was little she used to pick days  such as "today is a no hug day"  or  "Only one kiss day"  I thought it was fun at the time.

[Reality]

griz,

My son loved to be cuddled as a little boy and even in his teens.  He liked to be physically close to people, especially at night.  Then, later, he did change and he seemed to need lots of space around him.

Objects were very important to him.  A physical object almost seemed like it was alive, like a person.  Somehow sacred or laden with meaning.  It was strange how important things were to him.  He had a beautiful egg-shaped rock white that he seemed to love... .  

Does that resonate?

Reality

[angeldust1]

Actually I have heard that it can physically hurt them to be touched.  But that could be said about a lot of other mental disorders.  I have a brother with Asberger's  disorder and he will never hug anyone for any reason.  And if he does it is a very quick arms length hug.  But my pwBPD will speak to everyone in the room but me.  If we are at a family gathering and I go into a room,  he will never look my way or say a word unless I address him first.  This is extremely hurtful to me and I used top take is so personally.  ( Once at Christmas he spoke to and greeted every single person in the room but me,  an when he came to me,  he just looked down at me as if to say I don't know who you are.  Needless to say I was crushed.  Later my sister in law said that my whole demener  changed when it happened.  But how is it that he can speak to everyone else in the room as though nothing is wrong.  And when it comes to me,  he is synical, and brief and matter of fact or not say a word.  And yes,  how do you not take this personally?Not at all like a mother son relationship should be. 

It's as if he is afraid I'm going to say something he doesn't like or the wrong thing... . and usually I do say the wrong thing.  Weather it be in his mind or that I really said it.  So I usually give him a quick hello and off to somewhere else.  I just cannot be in a room with  my child and NOT speak.  But I am so tired of always  being the one to speak first.   I only wish sometimes he would be the first to initiate any conversation.

[qcarolr]

Maybe it feels safer connecting with an object that can hold emotion. Taking the next step to share that with another person? Don't we all project feelings into stuff? I have to ponder on this a bit more.

It was a very special moment, griz, for her to share all this with you. And the courage it took to share it with her class. Just too close to share it with her sis.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Wow!

It is pretty amazing Griz, that your dd was able to talk about THIS at class... .

It also shows so much self-awareness! That's a great stepping stone towards healing... .

Maybe in time she will be able to deal with it in therapy... . ? (Everything in its time)

As far as the physical touch goes - it baffles me too. But my sd32 reportedly was cuddly as a toddler as well. Now she does not like hugs etc., and is a bit stiff/awkward when hugging... .

[Vivgood]

I also am amazed at your daughter's level of insight, and her willingness to express this openly. Impressive.

I think 2 things are going on. One is that (contrary to popular opinion) many BPDs not only have empathy, but the empathy, like all their other emotions, skyrockets upon trigger- she can't afford to feel it deeply so she backs off from it when it appears. Two, and this is a weird thing I don't think people realize... . When you have grown into BPD emotions, you don't know that normal emotions are different than yours. You think everybody else feels like you do. So when she sees someone she has a close relationship with feeling something, it can be frightening. She expects your DD to experience her feelings like a BPD, which your BPDdd knows VERY WELL is painful and overwhelming.

I don't "do" hugging (Aspy) except with DD, DH and small children (and animals). DD is a bottomless pit when it comes to physical affection! Cuddled with me well into her teens and at 23yo will still have me rub her back or arm or leg when she is home (which is hardly ever). She hates certain textures, tho, and used toss a fit when the seams on her socks weren't JUST SO.


vivgood

[Reality]

Is that why they project personality onto inanimate objects?  Inanimate objects don't experience life and don't express emotion, so they can't be triggers.  Ah ha!

Reality

[mamachelle]

griz,

This is an interesting and beautiful story.   

I also am amazed at your daughter's level of insight, and her willingness to express this openly. Impressive.

I think 2 things are going on. One is that (contrary to popular opinion) many BPDs not only have empathy, but the empathy, like all their other emotions, skyrockets upon trigger- she can't afford to feel it deeply so she backs off from it when it appears. Two, and this is a weird thing I don't think people realize... . When you have grown into BPD emotions, you don't know that normal emotions are different than yours. You think everybody else feels like you do. So when she sees someone she has a close relationship with feeling something, it can be frightening. She expects your DD to experience her feelings like a BPD, which your BPDdd knows VERY WELL is painful and overwhelming.

vivgood,

Interesting thoughts... . very well spoken.


I am dealing with SS10's very strange relationships with objects. I find his expensive, must have electronics and books and things   all over the house-- bathroom, under the couch, thrown into a bag and left outside?. He cries and begs for us to buy him pencils, folders, notebooks he needs needs to have for school then he leaves them here. ?

He takes his younger brothers stuff and puts it under his bed then accuses his brother of taking his stuff and doing the same.?

This weekend he tore the house apart looking for his 3DS (expensive little gaming system) and his older brother (Autism Spectrum) offhandedly commented he thinks he saw it in the bathroom trash a while ago?

Is that why they project personality onto inanimate objects?  Inanimate objects don't experience life and don't express emotion, so they can't be triggers.  Ah ha!

Reality

Reality-- Wow... . so much to consider.

[js friend]

griz your dd's mindfullness is outstanding and you must be so proud of her

My dd displays empathy for others who call her in a crisis. She is really good at that... . she can spend hours talking to them... . giving advice and reassuring and many of her friends have thanked her for this, but  to be faced with anyone upset or crying just seems to wear her out. She even gets annoyed with me if Iam ill for more than 1 day.

I really struggled with dd's confusing lack of empathy until I read a recovering pwBPD account of not being able to comfort others.

She said that although she wanted to comfort others she lacked the emotional tools to deal with others which caused her shame. That shame came from feeling so dead inside, and that shame would often trigger a rage. She understood their pain but just didnt know how to deal with it. Another inappropiate if you havent got the emotional tools would be to would be to laugh at others who are distressed.