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raytamtay3
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Married - 1 year - 2nd marriage
Posts: 791



« on: August 22, 2013, 11:14:27 AM »

Going to try and keep this short. Married to DD's (stb 14) father for over 20 years. Met him when I was 15. He isolated me from my friends and family, devalued me, made me feel worthless, stupid, told me I'm where I am today because of him (paralegal), etc. Classic emotional and verbal abuser. Finally got the courage to leave him 5 years ago. The mental scars remain.

We shared 50/50 custody of DS (6) and DD up until a year ago when he said he could no longer deal with DD and that's she'd have a better life with me and gave me full custody of her. We still share 50/50 of DS. When ex gets angry he goes for the juglar and our daughter had to deal with this, on top of her disorder, after I left and before I got full custody. The last time she was there, which was in July, she recorded an argument between the two of them where he said "Your just like your mother and her loser family. You are a piece of hit", etc. He called me and told me he wanted nothing more to do with her. That if he could give up all rights to her, he would.  I told him you got it buddy. So don't come crying to me anymore about how you aren't in the loops about things going on with her because you are now out of it.

He's called her a ___, told her all the bad things about my past, etc. after I left.  Tells her every time he looks at her he sees me at that age. He's never been diagnosed with anything. But clearly, he has issues. BPD? I don't know. I do see narrisitic traits in him in that he thinks he's better than everyone else. How his family is better than anyone else. Blames everyone else for all the wrongs in his life never takes responsibily.

I never got therapy for myself because my main goal was getting my DD help after I left because I wanted to do early intervention when she was about 5 because I knew something wasn't right, but he faught me tooth and nail. So number one priority when I left was finally getting her help.

I have had minimal contact with him since the last incident. Only if it involves our son do I communicate. Until today. He text'd me saying he heard some stuff about DD. I reminded him that he said he wanted nothing to do with her and if this person wants to convey the info. to me, to call me directly. He said she'd rather talk to him. Then asked why I'm so angry. said he never said that about daughter. Said he was sorry for what he said about me and my family. He is trying to suckme back in. Help! I don't want to deal with him anymore!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PyneappleDays
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2013, 11:41:35 AM »

I have the same problem with my DD biological father and the emotional and verbal abuse she had to endure from her father.  Depending on where you are the courts do not approve of sole custody.  You have to deal with your DD emotional needs and not give into him.  You will need to deal with him and be the parent she needs you to be.  He (father) will need to look at himself sooner or later.  Remember karma. She will need support for her feeling of abandonment.  She will get angry for what he has said then feel ashamed and not worthy.

I went through years of her father not wanting to see then try to control her then try to briber her.  Through it I was hoping that she seen I was the one constant parent she could depend on.  Again working through the material here with counselling for her and myself we're a little pass it.  If you gear down to basics with her and her brother you will see light at the tunnel.  It will be hard to understand the teenager, girl and BPD. Do not let up on the basics of follow through rules of the house conduct the DBT and counselling.  You will be tempted to go easy on her because of what she's going through.

Hugs

PyneappleDays

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qcarolr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Married to DH since 1976
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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2013, 12:34:02 PM »

Until today. He text'd me saying he heard some stuff about DD. I reminded him that he said he wanted nothing to do with her and if this person wants to convey the info. to me, to call me directly. He said she'd rather talk to him.

Seems to me this was a really good response. Maybe you can just keep repeating this without any other conversation related to your DD. To avoid any misunderstandings, you are only able to listen to information directly from the person with concerns about your DD.

Hang in there.

qcr  
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The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
pessim-optimist
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« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2013, 10:16:29 PM »

I reminded him that he said he wanted nothing to do with her and if this person wants to convey the info. to me, to call me directly. He said she'd rather talk to him. Then asked why I'm so angry. said he never said that about daughter. Said he was sorry for what he said about me and my family. He is trying to suckme back in. Help! I don't want to deal with him anymore!

Hi ray,

  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I think qcr has a good point. Great advice for this particular situation.

I hear dread in your voice - you see he is trying to hook you back in, you don't want that.

Have you looked into boundaries? When we know how to protect ourselves, we can handle such situations with calm and confidence. It takes time to learn and to practice, so don't be hard on yourself... .

Here is a link if you would like to check it out:

BOUNDARIES - Living our values

There is also a good book called 'Boundaries' by H.Cloud & J.Townsend - it is written from a chirstian perspective, but everyone can benefit from it greatly as it has solid information and the best regarding boundaries that I have come across.

I am so sorry your dd has so much to deal with... .    

A long road towards healing ahead of her. But there is hope! Glad you found out so early. The earlier you can start therapy, the higher chances for her to recover.

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vivekananda
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What is your relationship status with them: married
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2013, 07:46:31 PM »

Hi raytam,

Boundaries are the answer for you. We have two tools in dealing with difficult people in our lives: validation and boundaries. What will help you here is to thoroughly investigate your own values and set the limits (boundaries) that you need to in order to 'protect' yourself. Also, inform yourself of your legal situation, so you are well advised. If you can find a therapist who can hold your hand through this chaos, that should prove helpful.

The other boards here may be helpful. There are:

Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

and keep posting to let us know how you are, ok?

Vivek    
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