oh my goodness I'm in a state

[KsMum]

Where to start?

My daughter's idol is Demi Lovato. Demi Lovato is in the UK at the moment,

she did a signing on Tuesday, in London, & my daughter wanted to go, but

couldn't because she would have had to have camped outside HMV in Oxford

Street overnight on Monday night to get a wristband for the signing on

Tuesday & her 1st psychiatrist assessment was 11am on Tuesday. She was

distraught.

She bunked off college (unbeknown to me at the time) to get a glimpse of

Demi as she went to do an interview at at radio station in London on

Wednesday.

She found out that Demi was doing a free gig on Friday evening & the deal

was the tickets were being given out at 10am on Friday morning. Other Demi

fans that she knows, from meeting them at a Demi signing last year, were

camping over, outside the Palladium on Thursday night, so my daughter

decided she was going too. Her plan was to go to college until 4, then go

down to the Palladium & join the others, camp over, get her ticket on Friday

morning & go in to college, then straight to the gig, then home. (we live

about 35 miles north of London).

An infuriating girl (N), she knows and doesn't really like. decided to tag

along (she seems to like my daughter & lives in south London).

So D went to college on Thursday with her handbag full, a rucksack, a

sleeping bag, large umbrella & a blanket. She left at lunch time & started

queuing. Fans had been told not to queue on Thursday, but she wasn't

prepared to risk it. Security came out and told the fans to go, but they

wouldn't. This girl (N) turned up and joined my daughter. Security came out

and gave out raffle tickets and told fans that people with raffle tickets

would be at the front of the queue for wristbands in the morning. D didn't

want to come home, but it was pouring with rain, so they decided to go back

to N's, sleep over there & go back early. At 1am N woke D & said she

couldn't stand worrying about not getting a ticket & they should go back.

They sat in the queue all night & by 9am I kept getting calls from D to say

that N was driving her mental.

By 10am there were (according to my daughter) 6000 fans queuing for 300

tickets (I've seen photos & horrible tweets. Tempers were frayed, people

were angry & threatening, people were fainting, ambulance & police were

there, D was very stressed, but they got their wristbands which guaranteed

them getting in to the gig. They went back to N's house to wash & change for

the gig. D had to leave her stuff at N's because they weren't allowed to

take big bags into the gig.

D rung me from the queue to get into the gig, very stressed, couldn't cope

with N. Next call I had was from her in floods of over emotional tears,

after the gig. 10.30 at night & back at N's. She'd had 2 hours sleep, was

exhausted, shaky, on a high. I suggested she stay over there if she could

cope & if it was ok with N's parents. She wouldn't have gotten home until

well after midnight & still had to pack her stuff. All seemed ok until I got

a message from her at half past midnight. She was panicking. N had gone to

her room to sort it out but when D went in there N & her mum were asleep in

N's room - no room for D !

N's dad made up a bed for D on the couch, but sat there on the couch

watching television loudly. D texted me, begging me to go and fetch her!

It would have taken well over an hour to get there. She told me she was

shaking. I told her it was too late & we wouldn't get back until 3 in the

morning. She pleaded. I would have gone but that would have cause her dad &

I to fall out & I don't think I could cope with that at the moment. D

believes her dad's critical attitude towards her, heavily contributed to her

BPD (if she has it). He's hardly spoken to her since she came home 2 weeks

ago & it hurts her.

While texts were flying back & forth between me & D I was trying to work out

a solution. I suggested she asked N's dad to take her to the mainline

station, but she said she was frightened of him. I tried to find a cab

company to take her to the station that I could pay over the phone & while I

was doing this, her Dad sent her a text basically reprimanding her for

trying to get me to go & fetch her. She texted him "F*** Off". He showed me

the text. He's furious. He knows very little about BPD & thinks she's

probably taken on the attributes in order to get a diagnosis of *something*.

(she's always been jealous of her Asperger's brother).

Then she texted me to say that he's had that coming for several years, that

he doesn't love her, that he's always been the person that makes her feel

like hit, that he wasn't there for her when she needed him. Then she texted

to say she'd stay there. I texted her to say I'd try to get a cab to come to

take her to the station. She said no, it's fine. Then she texted "mood -10".

I texted "I know it's going to be hard but try to get some sleep". She

texted back "TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP? whatever". Then "nothing you say

will be right, I'm just a vile person". I texted back "I'm sorry you feel

that way. I don't think you are".

Now I feel sick, I'm worried. My little girl is 50 miles away, in a state &

there's nothing I can do. She hasn't texted back.

We're supposed to be meeting her & my parents in London later to go to a

show. My Mum is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and I don't think she'll

cope with an atmosphere. It's 7:15am & I haven't been to bed, no point, I wouldn't sleep, I'm so worried. I'm forcing myself not to text her right now in case she's sleeping after all & I wake her up.

j9

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KsMum]

Update -

She's safe & sorry.

My husband & I have just had an argument because I didn't react when she texted him to f*** off.

Ho hum, family life.

[js friend]

Im so glad that things calm now KsMum

Its sounds like your dd was irritated by this girl N way before they decided to do to the concert together and maybe it was a disaster just waiting to happen.

Its so hard to not become panicky oursleves when we have those frantic texts and emails from our pwBPD.

I have had a few of those in my time and lost a lot of sleep over the years, but dd has always come through it safe. Hard to remember when we are going through it I know.  

For the future would it be possible to get the parents number and speak to them first before any sleepovers.

I know that this has always reassured me that dd is being taken care of and i could get a true picture of what is really going on. My dd is liable to exaggerate when she is stressed and I end up worrying more. Speaking to another parent would at least give me a little peace of mind.

Also it sounds like your dh needs to get on board with you on how to cope with your dd.

Is he up for reading anything about BPD?

[KsMum]

Thanks for the reply j's friend.

I think the main problem in this house is my husband's inability to be on board. I suggested that we get "Walking on Eggshells", his response was - "why would we need to get *that*? I've been walking on eggshells for years, I don't need a book to tell me how to do *that*"   

groan

The worst thing about that is he *doesn't* walk on eggshells LOL.

[js friend]

Thanks for the reply j's friend.

I think the main problem in this house is my husband's inability to be on board. I suggested that we get "Walking on Eggshells", his response was - "why would we need to get *that*? I've been walking on eggshells for years, I don't need a book to tell me how to do *that*"   

groan

The worst thing about that is he *doesn't* walk on eggshells LOL.

Oh yes... . My exh was much the same .

It took a while for him to come to terms that dd wasnt just a rebellious teen with a bad attidue who needed more discipline.

Actually Im not so sure he even still gets it now  

Have you considered family therapy?

This would give your dd and her dad a chance to talk at least?

Do you think her dad would try that? My dd opened up quite a lot at family therapy, only trouble was that the t belived everything dd said.She was too generic, but it was through family therapy that dd was dxbipolar with emerging PD.

Another idea would be to show your h this forum. It certainly is an eye-opener

[vivekananda]

KsMum, you sound as if you have been through the wringer. You would have been so worried for your dd, of course. Your dd is at an age where so much can go wrong. I think j's friend gave you good advice there. The best way forward with these sort of situations is prevention. I always checked out where dd would be staying... . of course that didn't always prevent stuff from going wrong, but I know It made my life a lot easier. You would have known that hanging out with N would likely cause issues. Perhaps an intervention when you realised N was on the scene, may have helped. eg, dd if you are hanging out with N, things are likely to go belly up, I won't necessarily be able to rescue you. Overall though, I think some boundaries would be a good thing for you:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

This information below may also be of interest to you. It describes how to identify unhealthy relationships. Is there anything of the interaction between you and your daughter in this description?

The Karpman Triangle

take care KsMum, this is hard work we are doing,

Vivek      

[Kate4queen]

One thing with BPD kids is that they always try and make their crisis your crisis, and as parents we've kind of been trained to jump every time they have a problem.

I've had to learn not to jump so fast because when I did, it affected everyone else in my family, including my husband. My son was an expert at splitting my husband and I. I was the 'good' parent, the one who understood my BPD son, the one who was always defending him, and protecting him from the consequences of his actions.

Eventually, he turned on me too and I became as Bad as his Dad.

Now, when my son emails about a crisis he has precipitated I've learned to take a deep breath, wait to answer, think it through, decide, with my husband what our joint position on the issue is and take it from there. It's hard to do, but for me, my other kids and my marriage, it's been a godsend.

I'm so glad everything worked out okay for your daughter.