And the e-mails come flooding in.

[Murbay]

Having been almost NC for the past several weeks, I knew it would have to be broken to send payment code for my daughter. I did that this morning and only e-mailed the payment code, no intro, no questions, no being polite or inquisitive.

I have only been out for a run this morning and already there are 4 e-mails waiting, the first with a question about the code, the second 10 minutes later because I hadn't responded to the first, the third 5 minutes after that and the final one 15 minutes after. Each one getting nastier and wanting more money for other things that are not my issue.

I'm not sure how to respond or if I even should respond. My T warned me that this was going to happen and that it would be like throwing meat to a starving dog. Not sure if I should just ignore these e-mails or if I should give a very brief and neutral response to all the questions posed.

[laelle]

Are you obligated legally or ethically in anyway to continue any dialogue?

[livednlearned]

I err on the side of not answering. They are, at the end of the day, and despite much of the behavior, grown ups. If there are other ways for your ex to figure out the answers to her questions, allow her to do so.

I have a child with my ex, too. I used to run everything by my L, and when that started to add up, I downshifted to answering almost nothing. The threats are pretty clever and admittedly get my pulse racing, but after a while -- it took me two years -- the bluster no longer has the same effect.

Better to not respond unless it is something that specifically benefits your child. Everything else is just BPD psycho drama.

[Murbay]

I haven't responded to any of the e-mails and there is nothing legally to say that I have to. For me, it was more from a compassionate place than anything else.

livednlearned, that's exactly what I did do. Her first question was about where to pick up the money. As I thought about it, it was the same process we used when I was working outside of her country to get money to her. So in that sense, she already knew because it wasn't anything new.

As for the levels of e-mail, that's the part that hurts. If you don't respond, she feels abandoned and then goes through this anger cycle. I feel for her, especially when I know that by not responding I have added to that cycle which is why things get more aggressive towards me. However, it has taken a lot of therapy for me to finally realise that isn't my issue to deal with.

Finally, from her last rage call at my therapist, she has gone down the root of false allegations against me stalking her(?), including involving the police because she senses I'm in the same area watching her from the shadows, although I'm not even in the same country and in fact several thousand miles away. The way I view the e-mails too is that she is trying to see if she can provoke a response.

The only issue with my ex in that sense though is in the past, she often uses the girls as a hook and that's what kept drawing me back in the first place.

[livednlearned]

I know that by not responding I have added to that cycle which is why things get more aggressive towards me. However, it has taken a lot of therapy for me to finally realise that isn't my issue to deal with.

Amen.

Feeling compassion for your ex is a good trait, but ultimately, I think it only hurts you. It feels like the one big giant codependent lesson in all this that we have to learn. I finally realized that my kindness is a privilege. If you abuse me, you lose that privilege. I may feel compassion for N/BPDx, but I do not act on it.

Finally, from her last rage call at my therapist, she has gone down the root of false allegations against me stalking her(?), including involving the police because she senses I'm in the same area watching her from the shadows, although I'm not even in the same country and in fact several thousand miles away. The way I view the e-mails too is that she is trying to see if she can provoke a response.

Take that as a serious warning sign that you should never be in the same physical space as her without a non-family third-party, or a way of recording your interactions. In many states, you are guilty until proven innocent, and that could very well be an expensive and intensely stressful process. Sadly, it's a common issue on the family law board.

[Murbay]

Yet another e-mail this morning, angrier than the last one and even giving me an ultimatum.

She has decided that she requires a response to her previous e-mail and that I have until 5pm today to provide her with one as to whether or not, I'm going to pay her bills.

Just to put things into context, we had an agreement set up prior to the divorce for what I would pay her each month. The main bulk of it being splitting the daycare costs for our daughter and then a little extra towards living costs for daughter. The other bill that I took responsibility for was the cancellation costs of my phone because even though it was in her name, it was only right I pay for that since I was the one using it. I received an e-mail at the end of last week from the phone company with the final costs for the phone and that the money is due before 24th June.

What exBPDw is demanding from me today is confirmation that phone is paid off. I had an unexpected flight to play for with her final rage so money is tight, however I get paid on 24th June so decided to cover phone costs on next pay. She is also now wanting money towards her car payments this month because she had an unexpected cost with something unrelated.

Her e-mail today starts with "I would appreciate a response" and ends with "I have until 5pm today to respond".

Realistically, what happens with the phone now is none of her business, though I do understand why she wants to know as it is in her name. Still, it shall be paid off before the deadline so that is not her responsibility but mine. As for the extra money, it was not something we agreed to because the car is hers, I don't use it but because I did used to pay for the majority of bills, she sees it as being my responsibility. Right up until I left, all I heard was how I did nothing to help her and certainly did nothing to contribute, though she was on bedrest for the past 3 months, I had the children to look after AND I paid the majority of the bills. Funny how that changes when I'm no longer in the equation.

What annoys me though was her last rage at my T, she also told him to tell me that she never wanted to hear from me again. That, coupled with the false allegations I haven't apart from sending through the code for her to get her money.

[ForeverDad]

Accept your reality.  You can never keep her pleased or appeased, her perceptions are skewed.  If not this, then likely it'll be something else.  Whenever her moods change, feelings get triggered or whatever she will overreact and demand.  It is what it is.

I recall when I first separated, there were no support orders.  But at one of our TPO hearings I asked if she needed some money.  I volunteered I could pay $900 over two pay periods.  Magistrate put that into his paperwork as a one-time item.  Guess what?  She transformed that into the court ordering me to pay her.  Go figure.

Accept that you'll never do anything right in her eyes, at least not for long.  So don't waste your energy trying to appease if it won't matter to the court.  Focus on the things the court requires or that matter to the court.  If the court won't care one way or the other, it's up to you.  However, try not to waste your energy or assets unless it really makes a difference long term, you may need them later.  It's been said here before... . The misbehaving one seldom faces consequences and the properly behaving one seldom if ever gets credit.

Disclaimer... . There will always be extra bills that surprise us.  A disordered person more so.  So it's to be expected she will overreact when she gets bills unexpectedly.  However, now is as good a time as any for her to be weaned off the idea that you'll rescue her financially every time something unexpected happens.  Divorce means you'll have two separate lives, financially too.

[livednlearned]

I read here on bpdfamily.com somewhere that the emotional maturity of pwBPD is around 5 or 6. That really helped me deal with the emails. I don't take ultimatums from 6 year olds, and I don't reason with them if they're being ridiculous. And if they talk to me in an angry tone or throw a tantrum, they go in time out.

ForeverDad also refers to extinction bursts here on bpdfamily.com a lot -- I think that's what your T is getting at when she says it's like throwing meat to a starving dog. You have to find a backbone and get things sorted out with the court so you aren't negotiating with her directly. Otherwise, it's death by a thousand paper cuts.