Bf telling oldest daughter(11) about us dating, advice please.

[figtree33]

My bf and I have been together for almost a year, we've known each other two as our kids were in the same activities together (that's how we met). Our girls are friends and spend a lot of time together. My girls (my oldest) have put two and two together that we are dating, but because his kids are the ages of my younger two (I have 4 girls, he has 2) they have not been told officially yet and mine keep a respectful lid on it ( they understand what it's been like with their dad who is BPD and his many girlfriends. They wish they never get introduced). His ex (divorce is still in process because of her BPD) will flip when she finds out we are together, this is part of the reason his oldest doesn't know (his youngest is 5 and is oblivious). His ex has routinely verbally threatened suicide in front of the 11 year old and has a very helpless/victim mentality. In Dec of this last year she got a job in Dallas (11 hours away) and just up and left. She's only seen her girls once when he took them down to visit. She's at a distance and so there is a barrier there, however she has parentified the 11 year old so much over the years that the 11 year old is highly protective of dad and has taken on being mom and filling her shoes. Because of moms issues, she thinks she is moms caretaker and at the same time wants nothing to do with her because of how mom acts. He is constantly fighting this with her and has her in counseling. Whenever the topic of divorce comes up she sticks her head in the sand and withdrawals. Further more, when the topic of dad dating comes up she completely reverts into a fantasy land and won't talk about it. We are at a point of wanting to share our relationship with the kids and make it inclusive. All of them get along, and my girls have been through more with their dads dating so we have had very good conversations about dating in our house and expectations, etc... . He can't seem to bring his 11 year old on board to even begin discussing us dating. I am sure she suspects something but wants to avoid, avoid, avoid. She copes a lot like her mom I which, if she doesn't like something she pretends it doesn't exist and refuses to acknowledge it. I get along well with his daughter and she looks to me in a lot of way as a surrogate to her mom, but just does not want to share dad or have him be in a relationship. Outside of her issues around mom she is a very well rounded and good kid most of the time, its when the idea of dad and mom being divorced comes up or dating gets discussed that she refuses to talk about it or acknowledge it. I feel that we need to just sit down together with her and gently have the discussion so we can reassure her that I am not going to take over (we've had general talks about how no one will ever replace her parent when she does open up). I know she will not like it, but I think she suspects it and that is part of her issue of not wanting to talk about it- she feels she is being deceived. My bf wants to wait in telling her officially until she shows him she is ready, which unfortunately I doubt will be anytime soon or ever... .

Suggestions on helping breakdown these walls with her to help her become comfortable? A lot has to do with the threats her mom has made that dad just wants to erase her as mom and will replace her with a new mommy. Also suggestions on when the best time is to tell her since I don't beleive she will ever be ready to hear it? Suggestions on how to tell her gently? My bf is afraid of setting me up so that his daughter only sees me as a bad guy taking over if we announce it to her too soon, but all of us are ready to move forward.

How have you all handled these situations either with your own kids, partners kids, or as a kid with parents dating yourself? Any ideas or stories to help are welcomed.

[Free One]

Geez. That's a tough one. I don't think there is any "easy" way to do it. I don't have specific experience with the dating; other than my ex is similar to yours with always a new gf and introducing them to my S8 very early. I have not dated seriously, yet, so I haven't had to deal with that aspect yet. There have been times where I've had conversations with S8 like: "Are you mad at me because you're not seeing daddy this weekend? I can understand you are upset and miss him, but it's not my fault he left town. It was daddy's choice to go do XYZ and I'm sorry that disappoints/hurts you, but I am here right now, and it is my scheduled time with you and I WANT to spend it with you. Let's go do our fun ABC thing that we already had planned."

I was a bit uncomfortable being so direct, but my son's anger toward me for his dad's choices was getting out of hand. This kind of conversation really helped and I think S8 is starting to see through some of dad's confusing behavior and starting to think critically about them.

I think it was a mature decision on both of your parts to wait until you were solid about your relationship to announce it to the kids. I do think it's to the point it needs to be brought up. Mom may have had a lot of "secrets" that the daughter was trained not to share. Feeling like there are secrets may trigger her, and she shuts down because she lacks the skills to deal with processing information. I would advocate a direct, honest and open approach with her. The r/s doesn't need to be hid any longer, and it would be healthier for all to get it out in the open. Help the daughter as much as possible with talking about feelings, reassuring her that you are not replacing her mom, etc.

[Matt]

What if you and your boyfriend sit down with his daughter's counselor and just discuss this openly?

My kids' counselor had lots of good suggestions.  I think a child's counselor will generally respect the child's confidentiality - she may not tell you everything the daughter has told her - but she won't have to violate that to give you both some ideas about the best ways to handle this.

[mamachelle]

How have you all handled these situations either with your own kids, partners kids, or as a kid with parents dating yourself? Any ideas or stories to help are welcomed.

Hi figtree33,

I too am a Non married to a Non, both of us with BPD ex spouses. 6 kids between us. Yours mine ours-- been married 6 years now-- kids are aged 2-16.

I agree with Matt to use the counselor if the counselor is ok with it and probably just have Dad there as kids sometimes see the counselor as 'their own' and having you go in too might be a violation in D's mind that somehow that Mom might use against the counselor.

Also, I do think it is better she hears from your BF and probably fairly soon as it seems the other kids know.

I subscribe to the belief that we all kind of know what is going on all the time as an undercurrent in our relationships and that on some level your BF D11 already intuitively knows you are involved.

It sounds out there, but kids pick up on these things. If she finds out her Dad has been lying or concealing the relationship that could be very harmful. More harmful than just telling her outright.

If she suffers from anxiety and b/w thinking stuff too, then just telling her you are not going to erase mom will not work. It's best to use validation to help ease her fears by having her say what is her worry, repeating it back to her and then letting her come to her own conclusions.

I love this book and recommend it a lot but it really helps with communication with validation. It is a quick read and I would get it and try to get your BF to read it or do as I do with DH-- and digest it for him since I can't get him to read any self help books. 

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg


If you operate as a GF with integrity and don't try to convince her of anything then she will come around. My 3 SS all like me and we all get along. I am their primary caretaking mama as their BPDBiomom now lives across the country. Mom is still mom, but I am the one that they can rely on.



mamachelle

[Free One]

If you operate as a GF with integrity and don't try to convince her of anything then she will come around. My 3 SS all like me and we all get along. I am their primary caretaking mama as their BPDBiomom now lives across the country. Mom is still mom, but I am the one that they can rely on.

Yes! It takes TIME and consistency to build trust with kids who have a pwBPD in their life who is full of empty promises. Words become meaningless in a sense and it is your actions over time that will help.