Where do I start? Stay at home mom with three young kids.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been visiting this board on and off for the last few months, and am now seriously considering divorcing my husband.  He is undiagnosed but I believe he has BPD - the high functioning kind - and he is manipulative and controlling.  I just ordered the book "Splitting" so perhaps that will have some answers, but if anyone has advice on what steps to take, I would very much appreciate it.

A big part of why I have hung in there so long is that I don't see practically how to make it work if we get divorced.  I am a stay at home mom to three young kids (6, 4, and 1.5 years old).  I have a law degree (ironic, I know) from one of the top law schools in the country but I only worked for a short time before having kids.  My husband works in finance and has a very high income.  We are in the middle of building a house.  I feel controlled and isolated.  Only my mom (who lives in a different country) a friend (who lives in another state), and my therapist know about how my husband treats me, and he is very good at acting the wonderful, reasonable guy when anyone else is present.  I don't have family or friends nearby.

Given those facts, I am not sure how to proceed.  Should I try to get a job before starting the divorce process? How will I handle taking care of the kids if I am working lawyer hours?  Should I start the divorce process without having a job?   What about the mess with building the house?  Should it make things less complicated to wait until the house is complete? What usually happens to the home of kids when there is a divorce?  Is it sold and each parent finds a new place to live?  (I know, I am a lawyer but I am not familiar with this kind of divorce.) My husband controls the major finances.  I have access to the checking account, but a lot of money is invested in other accounts, including the hedge fund he works for, and I have no way of finding out how much it is without him knowing.

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions.  Thank you.

[Evalon]

I have been visiting this board on and off for the last few months, and am now seriously considering divorcing my husband.  He is undiagnosed but I believe he has BPD - the high functioning kind - and he is manipulative and controlling.  I just ordered the book "Splitting" so perhaps that will have some answers, but if anyone has advice on what steps to take, I would very much appreciate it.

A big part of why I have hung in there so long is that I don't see practically how to make it work if we get divorced.  I am a stay at home mom to three young kids (6, 4, and 1.5 years old).  I have a law degree (ironic, I know) from one of the top law schools in the country but I only worked for a short time before having kids.  My husband works in finance and has a very high income.  We are in the middle of building a house.  I feel controlled and isolated.  Only my mom (who lives in a different country) a friend (who lives in another state), and my therapist know about how my husband treats me, and he is very good at acting the wonderful, reasonable guy when anyone else is present.  I don't have family or friends nearby.

Given those facts, I am not sure how to proceed.  Should I try to get a job before starting the divorce process? How will I handle taking care of the kids if I am working lawyer hours?  Should I start the divorce process without having a job?   What about the mess with building the house?  Should it make things less complicated to wait until the house is complete? What usually happens to the home of kids when there is a divorce?  Is it sold and each parent finds a new place to live?  (I know, I am a lawyer but I am not familiar with this kind of divorce.) My husband controls the major finances.  I have access to the checking account, but a lot of money is invested in other accounts, including the hedge fund he works for, and I have no way of finding out how much it is without him knowing.

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions.  Thank you.

[Matt]

Lots of questions!  You'll get good ideas from everybody here - stick with it and you'll learn a lot.

I'll suggest a couple things for starters, along with reading "Splitting", which will help a lot.

First, consider talking with (but not necessarily retaining) a few family law attorneys.  Things work differently in different places.  What we discuss here helped me a lot when I was going through this (separated 2006 after 10 years, kids then 8 and 10 plus older stepkids, divorce final 2008, and the kids are now doing very well).  But a local attorney will be able to give you a better picture of how things work where you live - what the steps are and what options you should consider.

Second, let me suggest that you think carefully, and maybe do some research, to decide about the biggest issue - custody.  Many of the decisions you make will impact the custody situation.  It's very possible to work it out well without going to war, but if your husband has BPD or something similar, it's also likely that he may want to fight over it;  a good settlement may not be easy.  So you'll want to make every decision - like whether to get a job now or now - in light of how it will strengthen or weaken your custody case.

You might want to read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Chistine Lawson.  Unfortunately, I'm not aware of an equally good book about borderline fathers.  "UTBM" is a very good (and frightening!) summary of how the kids can be affected long-term by time they spend with an adult who has BPD and isn't getting effective treatment.  Pay special attention to the references - lots of scholarly research which might be used - along with a Custody Evaluator and/or expert witness - to establish that it is in the kids' best interests to spend most of their time with the healthier parent.  A CE can probably also do psych evals on both parents - I filed a motion and the court ordered that - which can bring hard data to the discussion of what is best for the kids - not just a tug-of-war between the parents, but a serious consideration of what is probably best for them, based on facts.

Then at some point, maybe talking with a counselor or whoever is helpful, decide what custody arrangement you believe will be best for the kids, and why.  Then everything you do can be planned so as to get that best outcome.

[marbleloser]

Should I try to get a job before starting the divorce process?

No.Ask for your atty fees to be paid by your H.

How will I handle taking care of the kids if I am working lawyer hours?

Not needed,because you'll be asking for child support and alimony.

Should I start the divorce process without having a job?   

Yes.

What about the mess with building the house?  Should it make things less complicated to wait until the house is complete?

Don't worry about the house being built.

What usually happens to the home of kids when there is a divorce?  Is it sold and each parent finds a new place to live? 

No.The primary caregiver will be awarded the home while the divorce process is taking place.Your H will be required to continue making payments.Court generally wants the children in the marital home with as little disruption to their lives as possible.The home(or equity) will be used later as a bargaining tool.

(I know, I am a lawyer but I am not familiar with this kind of divorce.) My husband controls the major finances.  I have access to the checking account, but a lot of money is invested in other accounts, including the hedge fund he works for, and I have no way of finding out how much it is without him knowing.

Make copies of all financial statements you can get your hands on.That way,if he starts hiding money,you'll have a record of what was in the accounts when the divorce process was started.

[marbleloser]

Evalon,check with your state guidelines also.Some states require that the spouses live together whilt the divorce process is ongoing.(Never made sense to me,but it's true)

Knew a guy who had to live with his stbx while she was pregnant from another,for a year before the divorce was final.

[Matt]

Evalon,check with your state guidelines also.Some states require that the spouses live together whilt the divorce process is ongoing.(Never made sense to me,but it's true)

Knew a guy who had to live with his stbx while she was pregnant from another,for a year before the divorce was final.

I've never heard of this.  A local lawyer would know for sure.  Doesn't sound like something that could be enforced.  And living together after filing for divorce can be extremely stressful - not usually best for anybody.

[Evalon]

Thanks for your responses   I did some pro bono legal aid work before I had kids so I know the basics about divorce in my state but the cases I worked on had no property involved and very low income, so I am not sure how to handle those.  I do know that there is no requirement that spouses live together during the divorce and I have never heard of that in any other state.  In fact, some states required one year of living separately before the divorce (unless there were other grounds for the divorce).

Thanks again for your input.  The issue regarding whether or not to try to get a job before filing was a big concern for me since I do the majority of childcare and all of the driving, etc.  I just couldn't see how that would all work.

[marbleloser]

Tennessee statutes Matt.Yes,it's enforceable and you know it's gotta be stressful.

[marbleloser]

I will say,that was about 10 years ago.Hopefully it's changed,because that was about the dumbest thing I'd ever heard of.

[ForeverDad]

I feel controlled and isolated.  Only my mom (who lives in a different country) a friend (who lives in another state), and my therapist know about how my husband treats me, and he is very good at acting the wonderful, reasonable guy when anyone else is present.  I don't have family or friends nearby.

The unfavorable behaviors are typically in private settings where the controller, abuser or jerk feels free to act out with impunity however he or she feels.  Have you considered recording the poor behaviors?  However, I'm not sure how poorly your spouse behaves.  Would recording it mean much?  For example, my ex would regularly rant, rage, belittle, and less often throw things or attack me.  I recorded several instances in those final months.  It was very tense, I was terrified she'd notice.  I firmly believed it was my unofficial insurance policy, my Get Out Of Jail card in case she made allegations.  (She did, many times, but fortunately I was never arrested.)

Some will mention that there are laws in some stated restricting what can be recorded or what can be used in court.  While that may be so, many members here have recorded over the years and only a small handful here ever had a judge intercede and order them to stop.  The biggest response is none - courts prefer not to deal with recordings for various reasons.  But so many devices can record today that you're unlikely to get in trouble for quietly recording.  With few people knowing what happens when your spouse lets loose at home, recording rants or rages could be invaluable and support your other statements.

Should I try to get a job before starting the divorce process? How will I handle taking care of the kids if I am working lawyer hours?  Should I start the divorce process without having a job?

Since your family is presumably well off regarding finances, put finding a job lower on your list of priorities.  You and the children need to be top of the list.  Yes, at some point your spouse or his lawyer may put pressure on you to get employment.  Deal with it then, that time isn't yet.  Follow the lead of your lawyer, as with all these other questions.  (We are peer support and collectively we have a lot of experience, by and large we know what generally works and what generally doesn't but we can't give legal advice.)

What about the mess with building the house?  Should it make things less complicated to wait until the house is complete? What usually happens to the home of kids when there is a divorce?  Is it sold and each parent finds a new place to live?

Since your family is probably financially secure, your current residence may not need to be sold.  Generally the house is sold if neither parent wants it, cannot pay marital equity to the other or cannot afford it.  Whether you keep the house, get the new house under construction or sell both, that all depends of the family's finances and your negotiations.

My husband controls the major finances.  I have access to the checking account, but a lot of money is invested in other accounts, including the hedge fund he works for, and I have no way of finding out how much it is without him knowing.

That will have to be disclosed during the divorce.  Be aware he may try to hide money.  Working in finances, he may have multiple ways and places to do his investing.  If you believe he is not forthcoming with everything, then for that aspect of the divorce you'll eventually need a Special Master, a forensic accountant.  You'll need a financial snapshot for the time you both got married and then everything major since then.

For all your questions you also need to consult a family law attorney.  Actually, consult with a few, so you can choose one who is practical, has a solid strategy, will stand up for you and your most important issues (the children) and you feel comfortable working with.  And remember, you have a right to confidentiality.  Pay any consultation fees in ways that your spouse won't see the receipts or bank/card statements.  At this point where the marriage is failing or has failed, don't feel guilted to share information, that would be self-sabotaging.

You are strongly advised to obtain a copy of a handbook by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger that will help you avoid many of the common mistakes and missteps we targets are prone to make... . Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[momtara]

Didn't read all the responses, but you and I are in the same boat.  I have 2 small kids with hubby and am now separated.  I tried to hang in there and taptdance in just the right way to keep it from getting worse, but one weekend I stood up to him, and he went as far as to say I was abusing the kids.  It was good to know how far he could go.  I left, he's getting counseling because he doesn't want us to divorce, but I don't think he'll change enough.

That's the short version.  I have heard people recommend a part time job if you are divorcing, but know this:  Being the stay at home mom is WAY better for you when it comes to custody.  If you aren't the main caregiver, you lose your advantage.

There is a list somewhere on this site of ways to prepare for a divorce, financially, etc.  It is hard to face losing the structure of a family and not having an adult in your life every day.  Even a sometimes abusive husband can be supportive on occasion, and kids aren't a substitute for adult discussions.  At the same time, feeling free of looking over your shoulder all the time is wonderful. 

I am a lot happier without hubby, but I also have a better support network.  I know what you mean about everyone only seeing the good in him.  Our marriage counselors believed him for almost a year before they started to see the inconsistencies and behavior.

Please tell me more about your situation.  I am always looking for other moms going thru this, 'cause my kids miss their dad and sometimes I wonder if it's the right thing, especially because he's getting counseling and divorce is costing us both thousands. 

How you act next depends on whether you think he's violent and how he will react.  You should keep journals and notes of how you take care of the kids, etc.  Protect yourself.  If you feel it will be better for all of you if you wait longer until the house is done, then see if you can do that.  If you want to give him a long list of ultimatims at some point, it's an idea too.  The verbalabuse.com board has suggestions for that. 

[momtara]

You can get free consultations from local lawyer.  Divorce laws are very specific by state.  Some states are pro-dad now so sometimes you have to share the kids 50/50, but not always.  If you get sevearl consultations, your hubby can't use those same lawyers, so you might try that.

[Evalon]

Thank you again for the responses.  I very much appreciate the advice and support. 

As for the financial situation of my family, my husband does have a higher income than most but we also live in one of the highest cost of living counties in the country and it would cause a financial strain to maintain two homes.  I have a feeling that my husband would demand that the new house be sold if he can't live in it, and that we find a new house somewhere less expensive.  We have been married almost ten years and the vast majority of money was made after that.

As for the guilt, I feel a LOT of it - especially because my husband is the Jekyll and Hyde type that tells me he loves me more than anything at some points and can't live without me and then blames me at other points for EVERYTHING and accuses me of the crazy behavior that he exhibits.  When he is good to me, I feel tremendous guilt for thinking of leaving him and buying books, etc.  It's a roller-coaster and exhausting.  I also feel guilty because my kids love their dad, and he is, for the most part, wonderful with them.  Lately, he has started not only painting me black when it is just the two of us, but also for the kids to hear and that really scares me.  My oldest is 6 and idolizes his dad.  He misses him when he doesn't see him for one night, so I know it would break his heart to not be with him all week.

Momtara, yes our situations do sound very similar.  It is comforting to know that I am not alone.  Thank you for your response. I admire your strength.  Are you working or have you been able to stay at home (if that is what you were doing before)?  My plan regarding the house has been the same as you suggested.  The new house is in a neighboring town with a better school system and I want to establish that as my children's home.

[Matt]

Yes, it's more expensive to maintain two homes than one.  That is one of the realities of divorce.

Studies have shown that when the father has a good income, and the mom doesn't work outside the home, in the short term you will both have reduced standards of living, but over time his will climb back to about where it is.  Many women in this situation don't get back to the same standard of living.

That doesn't mean you can't make it work though.  Your state may have published guidelines for "division of assets" and alimony ("spousal maintenance" which will help you see how it's likely to work out.  Part of the answer may indeed be to sell the house and find a nice, smaller place - that's what I did, and I'm very glad.

Prioritize.  Figure out what will work, and what is in line with your state's guidelines, and put it forward as a solution.

[momtara]

My husband is high functioning and doesn't help with the kids, but they love him - and yes, I understand the guilt.  My husband is begging me to take him back, saying all the right things.  But then I get lying lawyer letters... .  :)efinite Jekyll and Hyde.  I have to run now, but keep talking.  The whole 'missing daddy' thing is frustrating and I have been trying for months to see which is better for my kids; staying and managing my husband's issues or keeping them away from his mood swings.  I do not think it's healthy for your kids to hear or see your dad abusing you.  They may realize it's wrong, but it's still not great.

[ForeverDad]

It would cause a financial strain to maintain two homes.

There will be two homes after the divorce.  No way around that.  Whether they will be upscale houses, scaled down houses or even modest apartments is yet to be worked out.  Just remember that "home" is where you live and where your children live when with you, not the structure nor the location.  If you can negotiate a good outcome, great, if not, you'll still do well.

We have been married almost ten years.

A lawyer will tell you whether filing before or after reaching ten years of marriage makes a difference to the outcome in court.  Likely the only place it might make a difference is maybe how much spousal support or alimony you may walk away with.  (To get the benefit of your spouse's Social Security account when you retire, you need to have been married for at least ten years.  But since high conflict divorce almost always takes a year or two, that's not a concern for you.)  If you're the primary caregiver for the children or your income is significantly less than his, then you'd get child support too.

As for the guilt, I feel a LOT of it - especially because my husband is the Jekyll and Hyde type that tells me he loves me more than anything at some points and can't live without me and then blames me at other points for EVERYTHING and accuses me of the crazy behavior that he exhibits.  When he is good to me, I feel tremendous guilt for thinking of leaving him and buying books, etc.  It's a roller-coaster and exhausting.  I also feel guilty because my kids love their dad, and he is, for the most part, wonderful with them.  Lately, he has started not only painting me black when it is just the two of us, but also for the kids to hear and that really scares me.

It does tend to get worse over time.  Besides him pushing boundaries, he also probably feels emboldened whenever you try to keep the peace, that is, appease him.  Sadly, appeasing doesn't work.  Even standing up for yourself and your boundaries isn't easy, but in the long term it's the better method.

For many of us here it is in our nature to be caring and thoughtful.  Generally that's an excellent quality.  In a dysfunctional and controlling family environment, it's not, it leaves you a vulnerable target.

It's okay for the kids to love both parents.  But divorce is an adult decision, it doesn't stop the children from loving both parents - in separate homes.  As sad as divorce is and as strange as this sounds, living separately very likely will provide an excellent example to the children.  If the children live in the midst of a controlling/controlled or demanding/appeasing home, they won't have a healthy example from either parent and they're all too likely to grow up and choose a spouse or relationship just like Dad and Mom.

I doubt few if any members here have read this book written to debunk the logic of decades past that mothers are always the best parents to raise the children.  I bought it and skimmed it primarily to find this apt quote... .   A few decades ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

[Evalon]

I hope my post didn't sound like my main concern is whether or not I am going to live in a fancy house or not.  I don't live an extravagant lifestyle now.  My husband largely decides (or "approves" how money is spent.  I have made "mistakes" such as ordering from the wrong Thai food place, which lead to hostile cross-examination-style questioning about wasting money and not being more understanding of how upset that made my husband.  I picture what it must be like to be free to throw away an old magazine without wondering whether my husband will approve or not.  I know what it's like to be a kid in a home filled with rage and abuse.  My husband's abuse is more covert and manipulative than my father's was (blaming me for being mean to him, and making himself appear the good guy as opposed to being physically violent and an obvious ass). It took me years to stop believing my husband's lies about me, and I only recently realized that I was repeating the same pattern. I grew up scared and I don't want the same for my kids.

Foreverdad, I agree that standing up for yourself is not easy and that it's the better method.  I met my husband when I was 18 and am now 35.  I have spent most of our time together trying to appease him and prove to him that I was not what he accused me of.  I stood up to him yesterday when he was having a blame-tantrum and was able to leave the room after I said what I wanted (which usually is difficult because my kids are around and I have to take care of them).  Even though it did not make my husband see the light, it made me feel better and stronger, and the feeling lasted until today.

[Matt]

Let's talk about "imputed" wages... .

Where I live, either party can say, "The other party is only making $X (or nothing) but she should be making $Y if she got a job she's qualified for."  And the court is likely to agree with that, and "impute" the wages you would be making if you worked full-time.

If you haven't been working at all, there may be a delay;  for example, the court may say, "No imputed wages for the first year;  50% of what you're qualified to make the second year;  and after that full wages." or something like that.

The idea is that if either party isn't working at all, or is working at a job far below what they are qualified to do, it wouldn't be fair to calculate alimony and child support based only on what they are making.  So the court tries to make it fair.

There are companies that do studies like this - for about $1,000 they will ask each party a bunch of questions, and then do some research, and write a report saying what wage should be imputed to each party, and the court is likely to go along with what they recommend.  (The joke in my case was that my wife's lawyer talked her into paying $1,000 for such a study, and then the company recommended a wage lower than what I had already agreed to.  I said "OK" but then my wife's lawyer started arguing with the report done by the company she had recommended!  Lawyers... . )

[ForeverDad]

We understand about the house, that you know it's a factor but not the biggest one.

Before you prepare to jump into a job, ponder this... . You've been out of the job market for several years.  Do you need any refresher courses?  Maybe need to take additional courses?  If so, then during the divorce is when you need to bring that up, that first you want to take the additional training or refresher courses, then you'll look for regular work.  Not that you're evading your options to become independent, but if you are told to find work, that's the time to state any need or desire to get additional career training.

Just more points for you to list and mention as options when interviewing attorneys.  I hope you're keeping track and organizing our suggestions and ideas into an orderly list.  With list in hand (kept safe in a protected location) you're less likely to forget some important questions.

[Matt]

We understand about the house, that you know it's a factor but not the biggest one.

Before you prepare to jump into a job, ponder this... . You've been out of the job market for several years.  Do you need any refresher courses?  Maybe need to take additional courses?  If so, then during the divorce is when you need to bring that up, that first you want to take the additional training or refresher courses, then you'll look for regular work.  Not that you're evading your options to become independent, but if you are told to find work, that's the time to state any need or desire to get additional career training.

Just more points for you to list and mention as options when interviewing attorneys.  I hope you're keeping track and organizing our suggestions and ideas into an orderly list.  With list in hand (kept safe in a protected location) you're less likely to forget some important questions.

I think in some cases the court will award short-term alimony adequate to allow the stay-at-home parent to get education needed to re-enter the job market and make good money.  If that means, for example, 4 years of full-time school, and if the other parent makes quite a bit of money, he might have to pay big bucks for four years, so she can get her degree, and then she'll be expected to support herself.  In your case, you start with a good education, but as FD suggests, if you have a strategy, for example, of taking one year to refresh your education, and another 6 months to find a job, you might ask for 18 months of high support, followed by less or none at all;  if it makes sense, the court is likely to go with it.

[Evalon]

Good point about the refresher courses!  Thank you.  I have been starting the process to get more knowledge in a particular area of law that I am interesting in practicing, but from your advice it sounds like it might be a good idea to hold off on that.

[livednlearned]

Evalon,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I can relate. I was married to a high-functioning pwBPD -- our divorce was final 2012. We share custody of S11, but are heading to trial this summer to contest legal custody.

I haven't read Understanding the Borderline Mother (Matt's suggestion), but I read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. The two books together can probably give you a complete picture of what you're dealing with. Bancroft's book helped me see more clearly how my ex worked, and gave me some tools to stop letting myself be so manipulated and controlled by him. Then, once you're away from your ex for a while, you'll build strength that's always been there. It's a great feeling.

Splitting by Bill Eddy -- reading that book was a major turning point for me, and so was finding this site. The people here are wonderful, and the advice has been priceless. I would also recommend reading Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak (parental alienation seems to go with the territory), and also Don't Alienate the Kids, again by Bill Eddy.

It's good that you don't want your kids to grow up scared. I have found that you really can change the script. I did, and the change in my son has been profound. Do you have a therapist? It's a good idea -- divorcing a pwBPD is no picnic and you need someone who can help you with the psychology of what's happening. If you think any of your kids need it, know that it's easier to get that in place before the divorce than after, and you usually need consent from the other parent.

It sounds like you don't have access to your bank account, so it will be hard to save money? There is often a period between filing and ironing out the temporary order/financial settlement when you'll need to scrape by. Do you have someone in your family who can lend you money and help you manage until your ex is ordered to pay?

Last -- are you worried at all about your ex hurting you? I was, and did some very detailed planning when I was preparing to leave. It took me about a year to get ready. If nothing else, I highly recommend that you get your own PO Box and a credit card in your name only, just in case you need it. If you can open a bank account in your name only, do that as well. My L recommended that I get a storage locker and put anything in it that I might need in case I had to leave the house unexpectedly, and also to put anything in it that had sentimental value. Those items tend to get destroyed or go missing during the early chaos of divorce with high-conflict people. I also recommend that you photocopy any important documents so you have that information on file. Keep it somewhere, or with someone, you know your stbx won't be able to access.

My L also told me to withdraw funds the day I left and I did that too. Whatever you take will be considered an "advance" toward whatever financial settlement you get. Don't feel guilty about it -- it's your money too. You need to protect yourself and your kids during this stage, and taking care of yourself financially is an important part of transitioning the kids as smoothly as possible.

[marbleloser]

" and he is, for the most part, wonderful with them."

Remember this if/when your divorce is underway.Too many times the children are used as pawns to spite the other spouse.Usually at an atty's recommendation.It's what gave me the resolve I have ,to do anything,whatever it takes,to get primary custody of our children.One reason I spend every moment I can working on my case.It was a bad mistake on their part.

[whirlpoollife]

Evalon, I was married 27 yrs to a cluster PDh (narcist, sociopath etc). S14 and d12. Years ago I started writing journels on his behavior. Then he would be nice ,I'd feel guilty for thinking he was so bad to me so I would hrow them away. Then I began to save them because I was coming to terms that I had an abusive husband. I hid the journels and kept moving moving them because he went though everything all the time. Then I got a storage locker , like LnL said. Easier to hide a key... . since H went though my purse I didn't hide it there. If you get a storage locker, shut your phone off when you go there so he can't GPS you.  

Open your own gmail account , good to keep notes there. Sign out everytime. I accessed it only though my phone only . And I slept with my phone and purse ,

Buy some gift cards , gas cards now for later.

Planning is important to divorce pwPD. It can be like living in an underground world as you plan your escape.  You will feel emense guilt and blame but keep youself moving foward.

I had one T but left crying too many times . On advice of a few friends I went to the cris .shelterit took a lot of courage to walk in there because of my age , length of mariage, and h did not hit me. ( I feared my life eveyday from him though) . Well that was the best move I made. Emtional abuse ,that you are going though, is just as bad or worse than physical. The healing process is longer.  You have made a good first step

The support ,advice, readings here on these boards have helped me soo much.

[marbleloser]

One thing to remember,if noone's brought it up yet is,if he's not physically abusive,you'll probably be sharing the home with him while the divorce is ongoing,unless he moves out on his own.He won't be made to move out by the court,unless there's some kind of domestic violence or child abuse.

That will add to the stress a bit.

Since he isn't physically violent,you may be better off to try a negotiating approach with him first.Trying to keep it as amicable as possible.Not only might this reduce the stress associated with high conflict divorces,it may help you later in court if you can show that you were willing to be fair and amicable.

Just another thought to ponder,instead of going wide open fight from the beginning.

[Undertow]

I was in the exact same position. Left a great career to stay at home with our two toddlers. My husband is charming, extremely intelligent, very successful professionally - but emotionally and verbally abused me for years. He fooled everyone, including his family and several marriage counselors. I thought it was all my fault, so I kept appeasing him and hoping he'd turn back into the great guy I married. This just emboldened him to become more controlling and nasty with me. I had no income and felt ashamed by what I put up with at home.

I went back to work when the kids reached school age and only a couple years ago did I learn about BPD, and everything clicked. (He was professionally diagnosed after experiencing some mental issues - of course, he's in denial about it.)

I really, really wish I'd left 10 years ago - but I too was hung up on the practicalities. What a mistake. I lost another decade of my life and my energy clinging to the hope that my STBX would change. In hindsight, I would have made it work somehow, but I guess I just wasn't ready.

Divorce is a tough process but I can already see it's the right thing to do, and my kids are surprisingly OK with everything. It's because they've always known Daddy was kind of "different." And I feel relieved that I am being a good model for my kids - showing them through action that bad behavior in relationships is unacceptable.

I'd go into more detail, but he lurks on this site. Please feel free to contact me offline if you think it would help. Good luck.

[Evalon]

Years ago I started writing journels on his behavior. Then he would be nice ,I'd feel guilty for thinking he was so bad to me so I would hrow them away.

This is very much like what I do.  The guilt is overwhelming at times - so much so that I suffer from obsessive thoughts about how bad I am.  My usual solution over the years has been to "confess" to him and then have him absolve me of my guilt.  I didn't realize until recently how controlled I was (am).

In any case, thank you for the support.  It is amazing how comforting it is to have people listen and provide support.

[livednlearned]

The guilt is overwhelming at times - so much so that I suffer from obsessive thoughts about how bad I am.  My usual solution over the years has been to "confess" to him and then have him absolve me of my guilt.  I didn't realize until recently how controlled I was (am).

In any case, thank you for the support.  It is amazing how comforting it is to have people listen and provide support.

One of the reasons this site has been so helpful for me is that many nons understand my psychology because a lot of us suffer from Fear, Obligation, Guilt issues (FOG), and that kind of thinking can sabotage the best legal strategy in the world. Read as much as you can, see a therapist, and listen to people here, especially senior members who have seen it all, and been there done that. Once you get to the other side, it's all so clear, but when you're in it, particularly still living with your stbx, it's harder to see it. For a while at least, take as much advice as you can because your instincts are still going to trend toward sabotaging what's best.

That crazy roller coaster of guilt and confession and abuse and appeasing -- you don't have to live like that. Your kids don't have to grow up doing the same thing. It really is better on the other side. I can't believe the stress and craziness I put up with for all those years. The learning curve hurts, and leaving the marriage isn't easy, and dealing with the legal system will bring you to your knees. But it's all worth it. Getting off the crazy train and changing the script for your kids is profoundly and deeply rewarding.

[DramaEverything]

Evalon, the best place I've found to keep documentation on my H erratic behaviour is app called Evernote.  It works great.  You can do tons of things with it.  If there is something you found on this site that you'd like to keep for a future reference, you can copy and store it in Evernote along with your notes.  I use mine almost everyday.