About leaving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

I usually post on the improving relationship board but felt maybe I should adress this topic on this side.

My BPDh said he will be leaving and has gone to he extent of taking his ring off. We still live together. Hes not talking to me etc etc. i told him that if he decides to leave i would not stand in his way.

Well, i havent come to the decision yet whether I actually want to stay or want to go since this last few weeks has been building up to the point where he feels its better for him to leave.

Right now I feel so guilty feeling the freedom, and happiness from within on the thought of us splitting. I dont know how to say this but i feel kinda happy. Of course i cried my eyes dry the first two days. And its like now i cant wait for him to get his own accommodation so i can start my life. I am aware that he might just be threatening though Ive never seen him so 'serious' about leaving.

Are these feelings normal after such a short time.

These last couple of days, Ive been thinking of what i will do if he leaves now. Now i find myself thinking... . shucks what if he decides to come back. Am i still willing to go thru the motions and roller coasters again... .

I just cant get myself to make that final decision of what I would want. And if he decides to remain in the relationship, what I will do? Its like I cant see myself hurting my BPDh in order to live a freer life. But this thinking is not healthy.

Has anybody gone through something similar? And how did it end up?

[Wishful thinking]

Hi

I usually post on the improving relationship board but felt maybe I should adress this topic on this side.

My BPDh said he will be leaving and has gone to he extent of taking his ring off. We still live together. Hes not talking to me etc etc. i told him that if he decides to leave i would not stand in his way.

Well, i havent come to the decision yet whether I actually want to stay or want to go since this last few weeks has been building up to the point where he feels its better for him to leave.

Right now I feel so guilty feeling the freedom, and happiness from within on the thought of us splitting. I dont know how to say this but i feel kinda happy. Of course i cried my eyes dry the first two days. And its like now i cant wait for him to get his own accommodation so i can start my life. I am aware that he might just be threatening though Ive never seen him so 'serious' about leaving.

Are these feelings normal after such a short time.

These last couple of days, Ive been thinking of what i will do if he leaves now. Now i find myself thinking... . shucks what if he decides to come back. Am i still willing to go thru the motions and roller coasters again... .

I just cant get myself to make that final decision of what I would want. And if he decides to remain in the relationship, what I will do? Its like I cant see myself hurting my BPDh in order to live a freer life. But this thinking is not healthy.

Has anybody gone through something similar? And how did it end up?

[dickL]

yes uBPDwn left unannounced for 3 mos in 2010 to live with bf , he's married too. came home and stayed until last april . this time was not unexpected , she discussed her need to get away and find her inner peace and i agreed space was needed . she packed her car months ago and pondered her options . things in our home were terrible and i'd never heard of BPD although it was obvious something had always been wrong . i suggested she either unpack and get help or get off the " pot" amd leave . she left 2mos ago , nc . went back to bf for 3rd try in 40yrs. what could possibly go wrong with that relationship ? he's also currently married . divorce is not a current option at this time , financial disaster would result and mentally handicapped 25S with me would suffer most  . i feel your pain .

[UnknownBPD]

I've been feeling this way too.  When I remember the good times, which there have been a lot, I think, gee, could I suck it up and make it work.

But I also feel like, it's just going to take a lot of work and energy just to function "normally".

The thought of either being alone (with my kids) or ultimately finding someone, whose only basic criteria these days is just nice, is so appealing.

My udBPDh has taken his ring off several times, as well.  Couple of times lost it.  It was never hidden, rather very dramatic presentation of removing the ring.

I think sometimes we stay so long trying to make it work that we really are ready when it's time.  But I do think, you should also be prepared to question your decision and have times of great emotion.  Doesn't mean your decision was wrong, just think it takes some time with a big change, no matter how right and exciting, to settle into it.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Right now I feel so guilty feeling the freedom, and happiness from within on the thought of us splitting. I dont know how to say this but i feel kinda happy. Of course i cried my eyes dry the first two days. And its like now i cant wait for him to get his own accommodation so i can start my life. I am aware that he might just be threatening though Ive never seen him so 'serious' about leaving.

I know how you feel.  I've been separated from my BPDH for a couple of months now and it's such a relief to wake up and know that no one is going to rage at you, scare you, etc today!  My older son and I are sharing a 2 Bedroom/2 Bath apt (for financial reasons - he's just started a new job, and I have to watch my money), and it has been so peaceful.  Even when there's something "wrong", the two of us can talk it out and come to a conclusion.  That's something H was unable to do.   

So, don't feel guilty!  Embrace this "new normal."  It's a good normal.  The other normal wasn't.

[Wishful thinking]

Thank you all for your responses.

@sadwife

You right. Normal vs the other normal sums it up. Can be so confusing what we embrace/define as normal.

But yes, we still live under same roof. We dont talk much. In my mind im asking 'now when exactly are you going (to my BPDh)' cos im enjoying ignoring you. And not to be able to take care of you the way i did. Its really liberating.

Maybe I shouldve changed long time ago.

Since he made this decision to go, im too scared to ask when he will be physically leaving. This being due to being scared to be shouted or him going off on a tangent. I am thankful to the Lord that the place where im staying is sponsored by my work, and i cant leave it.

[SadWifeofBPD]

But yes, we still live under same roof. We dont talk much

So how does that work?  Does he do all of his own laundry and cleaning (meal prep, toilets, sink, etc). 

The reason I ask is this:  my H never appreciated how much time I spent cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, etc.  Now, he's living on his own and I'm sure he HATES having to do these things.  He probably hasn't washed his sheets in the 2 months that he's been gone. 

[Wishful thinking]

@sadwife

Yes, he only informed me that on Thursday that he has decided to call for a divorce etc.

so yes, hes still lives here and is preparing to find accommodation for him. Since then,

I dont cook for him. I dont clean up after him. I dont worry about his quiet state and not wanting to talk or do anything.

Fortunately i have 2 maids who comes in regularly to clean etc. im not a rich woman but let me give you the reasoning behind this.

I used to work long hours 7days per week. I would come home after 8 or 9 pm. He was unemployed since we moved to this new country a few months after we got married. He refused to do any cleaning and we used to fight alot about it. He wouldnt even clean the house or water the garden. Nothing. All he would do is sit on the couch and watch tv from morning to late night. I refused to pay anyone to clean the house until he got a job because he will have to assist financially to pay for the cleaning.

I hired maids to reduce the fighting over cleaning the house, laundry and washing dishes. And it helped alot in terms of me not having to do all of these duties plus put up with him when he was in a dark place.

[Wishful thinking]

As for lack of appreciation... .

Boy oh boy.

I actually enjoy cleaning n cooking etc. But he doesnt show any appreciation for the things i do or buy. The sofa i bought has got a hole in it because he only sits on one spot. Everytime i used to moan about it, the namecalling would start. He regularly tells me that i keep on reminding him that it is my couch etc. and all i am trying to bring across is, look after the things we have. Thats just how i was brought up. To take care of whatever i have whether cheap or expensive.

I particularly dint enjoy cleaning up after him. I actually moved out of the bathroom we used to share cos i was not gonna keep cleaning your mess and mine. I never heard the end of that story yet.

Im 11 years his junior. Ive realized and learnt more about BPD. He is unbending to any form of compromise.