Hi HoldingAHurricane and
Reflecting on staying or leaving, I was thinking about what attracted me to my uBPDh in the first place. Very clearly to me part of it was his intensity, how passionate he was about things, and how appreciative he was of me. In essence, I was attracted to the features of BPD.
I have had many attachments over my years with people with BPD (pwBPD). Some of these relationships were only platonic, some were romantic. And what took me many years to realize and accept, was that all of these dynamics, were preferred by me primarily because they were familiar to me; and what made them familiar to me was my relationship with my uBPD mother.
They were not the only kinds of relationships I had, but they were the most compelling ones for me personally. And the romantic connections I felt, felt like returning home, like bonding at a very primal level, and like connecting to a degree that has never been matched. These were the only relationships in which I "fell" in love, where I practically could not help myself. I have loved others, but so far in my life, I have never fell in love like I did with those who I believe have BPD.
And I'm not saying this is true for anyone who finds themselves connected in such a fashion, but I believe that for me, I am damaged in a way where I cannot trust my attraction instinct. Because I think this instinct is hardwired in me because I was raised by my uBPD mother.
The attention from the idealisation was very flattering and I felt so secure in a relationship with a man who thought so highly of me and felt so passionately about me. He can be very passionate about issues and ideas and I was thrilled to be with someone who had their own opinions and could converse with me about interesting things. He threw himself into projects at home with great enthusiasm and being around that energy was exciting and energising. Being with him was intensely stimulating.
I don't know if this is true for you, but for me, intensity in a relationship made it easier for me to suppress my fear of intimacy. I didn't always realize I was afraid of intimacy, but in retrospect, whenever I courted a woman who did not instantly communicate a passion for me, I experienced great anxieties until I felt secure in the attachment. And this is something I've had to learn to cope with at first, and appreciate later. Becoming familiar with each other is part of the courtship dance. Intimacy can develop out of that courtship, if you let it. Infatuation and passion can be the initial catalyst of a relationship, but in a healthy relationship (as I understand it), bonds of intimacy and familiarity should replace those initial bonds, and will eventually be the stronger of those two types. And growing up with a uBPD parent, I can understand why I've developed such a fear of intimacy because of the chaos that usually arises whenever I experience such feelings.
Did you feel insecure in a developing relationship with a man who you did not know if they thought so highly of you or felt so passionately about you? Because it is not typical to start a relationship with such high esteem, especially when you are only starting to get to know each other.
On the flip side, the "painting black" is as extreme as the idealisation and has been very damaging to me and my relationships with the people he chooses to share that view with. In the end, I doubt the positive things he says because the negatives are so powerful a contradictor. His passion for ideas and points of view are also rabid, one-eyed, opinions which he thinks are facts and are sometimes so far from my reality that they seem quite delusional and leave no room for me to express dissenting ideas. As enthusiastic as he is about doing things around our house, he is unrealistic and fantastical at times which can be quite scary and equally enthusiastic about withdrawing his "help" and support when he is on his down cycle.
Another perspective is that when you expose yourself to such extreme devaluations, you may become more sensitive whenever another person expresses a desire to court you. At some level, though you might believe they don't suffer from BPD, you may still feel as though you might be making yourself vulnerable to such devaluations. So much so that you allow yourself to take that risk *only* if the other person first demonstrates a high intensity and passion in the first place. :)o this enough times and you may find yourself only willing to court pwBPD.
It also occurred to me that if he stays in therapy, it could be possible that both sides of the equation will change and what would the relationship look like then? My fear with that I will lose the things I like about him as well as hopefully the things I don't. Obviously, the other side of the coin is what it says about me that I was attracted to those things in the beginning.
If your BPD loved one continues with their recovery to the point where their dysfunctional behaviors change, and you find yourself incompatible with these changes, then you need to wonder if there are not some dysfunctions in yourself which you must face and perhaps change, or else condemn yourself to be with only those with compatible dysfunctions.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
