Can someone talk me through this? Exw and D16 going to BF's son's HS graduation

[hellnback]

I came home from work today to find my daughter all dressed up telling me that she is going to the highschool graduation with her mother and the boyfriends family.

   A little background; ex left me and the kids for her affair partner about 3 years ago. She has tried to keep a relationship with the kids but can never really hold it together long enough to get anything going. She will see the kids for a few hours a week and spends most of her time with the boyfriend and his family. The kids stay with me pretty much 7 days a week. Neither of them (d16 and S14) cared to be a part of her boyfriends life.

  Now I have started another round of NC with the ex and have gone my longest stretch this time, about 4 weeks of strict NC. This weekend was her's and she dropped my son at his grandmas for the week without emailng me (our only form of contact). Now today, I walk into the graduation situation.

  My first feeling was fear. It started as anger but I quickly realized that it was fear. I'm scared to death of losing my kids to this guy. I don't want my kids to be around that family but I know I cannot/should not stop it. In fact, I know my kids need their mom in their life and I want their mom in their life.

  I'm sitting all alone in the house and I am feeling incrediblly anxious. I know that I have to let the kids figure things out for themselves. How do I cope with this fear?

[Matt]

It's a reasonable thing to wonder where something might lead, and it's also good to think in terms of nipping something negative in the bud, before it takes root.  If it is a matter of "parental alienation", where one parent is saying and doing stuff to make the other parent look bad in the kids' eyes, nipping it in the bud is important.

But it doesn't sound like that at all.  It sounds like D16 is making her own choice to go to the graduation, and it might have more to do with getting to dress up than anything else.

When she comes home, you can ask her about it - careful about asking too many "why" questions, which tend to put kids on the defensive, but maybe just see if she opens up about it all, and listen carefully.

Probably she doesn't want to judge her mom, even if deep-down she knows that what her mom has done is wrong.  Probably she just hopes to maintain some relationship with her, which is OK, as long as it's not impacting D16 badly in some way.

Keep your focus on D16 and what she's going through, and what her needs are, not on your ex or the boyfriend.  Supporting D16 to make her own choices, as long as they aren't causing problems, is more important than "winning" in a battle (in your mind) with your ex or her boyfriend.

[DreamGirl]

Your feelings = normal

They are 14 and 16. You're their Dad. 

You are irreplaceable. 

[hellnback]

Thank you both very much. You really helped me.

One thing I feel horribly guilty about is that I feel betrayed by my daughter and I know I shouldn't. I keep trying to fight this feeling off.

  You see, 4 years ago, my ex did a similiar thing with graduation. I had just found out about her affair and instead of going to our son's play off hockey game, she went to the same boyfriends 8th grade graduation. So when I came home from work yesterday, it was almost the same exact scene. I really had a flashback to that moment.

I really feel horrible about the way I feel. My daughter said that her mom offered her $40 and a shopping trip to go. It feels like I was sold out.

We were all doing so well before this. I wonder if my NC made the ex mad. She knew it would hurt me. This was the first time my daughter went with the boyfriend. She said he was creepy for years. I don't want to alienate their mom and I try very hard not to. I just want my family to be happy and healthy.

  I did not say anything I regret to my daughter. I just told her to have fun.

How do I fight this feeling?

[Matt]

I don't think you have to fight your feelings.  Under the circumstances, they are, as DG said, very normal and understandable, especially since the recent history makes these graduations kind of a hot button for you.

You can just accept your feelings and understand them, and not dump them on your daughter or anybody else.  (But sharing them here, and with other friends and family, and a counselor if you have one, should help.)

Your daughter was offered money and the opportunity to dress up, and she took it.  Not a big deal.  Look for the right time to talk openly with her about it, when she is ready to talk, but keep it low-key so she doesn't become defensive.

And don't take it too personally.  It's probably more about the $40 and the shopping trip than it is about you, your ex or her boyfriend.