The liability factor

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How much has your BPD person in your life been a liability factor? How have they affected your social, professional, and family life?

I've been thinking about this a lot. My BPDbf has been seeking treatment with a therapist these past few weeks. He has been doing well and is interested in pursuing CBT. However, last week he had a set-back (which I assume would happen), though, he understands the triggers that caused it and he has since calmed down. He is serious about getting the help he needs.

This is a great achievement and I'm happy about it!

My social circle... . um, yeah... .

Ok, I might ramble, but I'll try to make sense here. This might sound dumb and childish, but I need a safe place to vent. I figured it would be here.

E (my BPDbf) and I belong to a social network/hobby that has many participants throughout the country. We've both had many years being involved with such activities. The big difference between E and I is I have tons of friends and many people like me. E doesn't. He's been run out of a few different areas of the hobby due to pissing off numerous people. Many people have known me for years way before I met and got involved with E.

New friends I've made have been accepting towards me despite my past connection to E. They like me for me! This particular group of new friends E has talked bad about for a while (before I met them) and has painted them black. I got to know them on my own and they have been friendly and welcoming to me and my roommate, Susan. We hung out with them a few weekends ago and it was super fun!

E no longer lives with me. I asked him to leave almost a year ago. So, he moved back to his home state and we're 6 hours apart. He and I have been in contact and have seen each other on a few occasions. My local friends have no clue about all this. They think it's completely over! Same with a lot of the people in the hobby I'm involved in and the new group of friends I've met there.

The only people who know are my roommate and just a few close friends. Everyone, whether they know about my current contact with E or not, think E is a total nutcase!

I'm too embarrassed to be open about E. I'm afraid people will drop me and not want to be my friend. The friends that do know about E and I are a bit exasperated with me.

For instance... . just tonight I asked my friend, Jay, and Susan to each write a statement about a few incidents that happened last summer concerning me, E, Jay, and Susan. It would be shared with E and his therapist (so she could get a clear idea of what really happened from some non-BPD's point of view).

Susan thought is was a good idea and agreed to do it. While she was out this evening, I called Jay and asked him if he was willing to do it. After I asked him there was a moment of silence on his end and then an exasperated sigh. He was less than thrilled and seemed put out that I would even dare ask. He said he didn't want to "pander to that psychopath" and I'm doing exactly that by having him and Susan write the statements. He kinda bawled me out. At the end of our conversation he said, "I don't know... . I'll think about it."

When Su came home tonight she asked if Jay and I talked. I said yes and that is didn't go over to well. She had gotten a text from him saying that he had to "deal with someone's foolishness" this evening. Su did tell me that they've talked about it in the recent past and he's rather pissed off at me for being in contact with E. 

As a side note... . He's planning on coming out here in two weeks to visit with us for a few days and see Su's theatrical performance. Ugh! I'm going to feel uncomfortable with him here if he's totally pissy at me because of this. 

What have been your experiences with something like this?

[Southern_Belle]

How much has your BPD person in your life been a liability factor? How have they affected your social, professional, and family life?

I've been thinking about this a lot. My BPDbf has been seeking treatment with a therapist these past few weeks. He has been doing well and is interested in pursuing CBT. However, last week he had a set-back (which I assume would happen), though, he understands the triggers that caused it and he has since calmed down. He is serious about getting the help he needs.

This is a great achievement and I'm happy about it!

My social circle... . um, yeah... .

Ok, I might ramble, but I'll try to make sense here. This might sound dumb and childish, but I need a safe place to vent. I figured it would be here.

E (my BPDbf) and I belong to a social network/hobby that has many participants throughout the country. We've both had many years being involved with such activities. The big difference between E and I is I have tons of friends and many people like me. E doesn't. He's been run out of a few different areas of the hobby due to pissing off numerous people. Many people have known me for years way before I met and got involved with E.

New friends I've made have been accepting towards me despite my past connection to E. They like me for me! This particular group of new friends E has talked bad about for a while (before I met them) and has painted them black. I got to know them on my own and they have been friendly and welcoming to me and my roommate, Susan. We hung out with them a few weekends ago and it was super fun!

E no longer lives with me. I asked him to leave almost a year ago. So, he moved back to his home state and we're 6 hours apart. He and I have been in contact and have seen each other on a few occasions. My local friends have no clue about all this. They think it's completely over! Same with a lot of the people in the hobby I'm involved in and the new group of friends I've met there.

The only people who know are my roommate and just a few close friends. Everyone, whether they know about my current contact with E or not, think E is a total nutcase!

I'm too embarrassed to be open about E. I'm afraid people will drop me and not want to be my friend. The friends that do know about E and I are a bit exasperated with me.

For instance... . just tonight I asked my friend, Jay, and Susan to each write a statement about a few incidents that happened last summer concerning me, E, Jay, and Susan. It would be shared with E and his therapist (so she could get a clear idea of what really happened from some non-BPD's point of view).

Susan thought is was a good idea and agreed to do it. While she was out this evening, I called Jay and asked him if he was willing to do it. After I asked him there was a moment of silence on his end and then an exasperated sigh. He was less than thrilled and seemed put out that I would even dare ask. He said he didn't want to "pander to that psychopath" and I'm doing exactly that by having him and Susan write the statements. He kinda bawled me out. At the end of our conversation he said, "I don't know... . I'll think about it."

When Su came home tonight she asked if Jay and I talked. I said yes and that is didn't go over to well. She had gotten a text from him saying that he had to "deal with someone's foolishness" this evening. Su did tell me that they've talked about it in the recent past and he's rather pissed off at me for being in contact with E. 

As a side note... . He's planning on coming out here in two weeks to visit with us for a few days and see Su's theatrical performance. Ugh! I'm going to feel uncomfortable with him here if he's totally pissy at me because of this. 

What have been your experiences with something like this?

[schwing]

Hi Southern_Belle and  

How much has your BPD person in your life been a liability factor? How have they affected your social, professional, and family life?

I'm not with my uBPDxgf, and I haven't been for some decades now.  My primary BPD loved one is my mother and the few uBPD friends who have lingered in my life.  When I was dating my uBPDxgf, all aspects of my life (i.e., social, professional and family) was negatively affected.

I've been thinking about this a lot. My BPDbf has been seeking treatment with a therapist these past few weeks. He has been doing well and is interested in pursuing CBT. However, last week he had a set-back (which I assume would happen), though, he understands the triggers that caused it and he has since calmed down. He is serious about getting the help he needs.

This is a great achievement and I'm happy about it!

This is great.  That your BPDbf is seeking help and engaged with his own recovery is a good thing.

My social circle... . um, yeah... .

While my uBPDxgf, never got beyond therapy for herself (I don't think she was ever diagnosed beyond depression.  Then again, I just don't know), being with her did cost me a great number of friends while we were together, and also immediately after she left me.

I'm too embarrassed to be open about E. I'm afraid people will drop me and not want to be my friend. The friends that do know about E and I are a bit exasperated with me.

I ended up cutting off more than a few good friends who were trying to talk sense to me re: how much my relationship with my uBPDgf changed me; I just wasn't ready to hear what they had to say.  I think it's very difficult to watch someone you care about choose to remain in a situation that is not good for them.  But other people cannot make your choices for you.  You just may need to accept that your choices may cost you some of your friends.

For instance... . just tonight I asked my friend, Jay, and Susan to each write a statement about a few incidents that happened last summer concerning me, E, Jay, and Susan. It would be shared with E and his therapist (so she could get a clear idea of what really happened from some non-BPD's point of view).

I think it's promising that E's therapist is trying to collect perspectives from others who know him (and you).  This will probably help the therapist discern what issue E's probably discussing with him/her are projections and distortions.  It's too bad that it sounds like E's burned too many bridges in your social circles for them to cooperate in E's recovery efforts.

If you're the only contact E is willing to make available to his therapist, then from the therapist's perspective it will end up being a he said/she said scenario.  And it might be more difficult to make E aware of his potentially distorted perceptions.

As a side note... . He's planning on coming out here in two weeks to visit with us for a few days and see Su's theatrical performance. Ugh! I'm going to feel uncomfortable with him here if he's totally pissy at me because of this.  

It's too bad Jay cannot put his own feelings aside and respect your choice.  But that's on him.  If Jay cannot behave, then I think you'll have to give Jay some distance.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[tuum est61]

He said he didn't want to "pander to that psychopath" and I'm doing exactly that by having him and Susan write the statements. He kinda bawled me out. At the end of our conversation he said, "I don't know... . I'll think about it."

What have been your experiences with something like this?

Hi SB.

"To be a non is to bear the burden alone" (yes, I intended the allusions to Frodo bearing the ring)

I used to share my frustrations I had with my uBPDw with my FOO - including my parents and my children - whom all could relate because they experienced it too.  It became clear to me how unfair that was to them.  I had decided to stay- in light of some really challenging behaviour by my W towards me and towards them.  People have enough challenges in their life without me foisting my problems on them - especially when the apparent solution of simply leaving or going no contact is so obvious from their perspective.  (Not so simple for us though, is it)

I do get the need for some validation about how difficult it is having a relationship with a pwBPD.  I trade some war stories with my brother since we both seem to have wives with BPD.  Unless someone has experienced BPD, they have no idea what you are experiencing and cant really empathize.  I also ended up in a conversation with my W's brother, who has experienced some of the exasperating behaviours of his sister, but I certainly didn't ask him to document it back to me - or share with her - and I didn't lead the discussion or talk about BPD.   He's her brother.   We agreed that whatever we talked about would stay between us.

Thats what is good about bpdfamily.com - its a safe place to unload and to look for solutions - without messing up your friendships and relation with your family. And to the extent the BPD has messed them up, bpdfamily.com is also a place to get you on track for fixing them.    

[SadWifeofBPD]

How much has your BPD person in your life been a liability factor? How have they affected your social, professional, and family life?

Big time!

I stopped entertaining or even accepting "couples invites" because I couldn't count on H to behave or even show up.  After 3 times of having to show up at a "couples event" by myself because H was dysregulated, I gave up.  Too embarrassing and I hated lying about why he wasn't there. 

For the past few years, when I've traveled to visit my relatives in another state, I have not let H come.  H has behaved badly a couple of times at "family events" and I refuse to chance that anymore.  I wouldn't even let him go to either of my parents' funerals because I couldn't trust his behavior (everything is about him, him, him and he wouldn't be able to tolerate time/attention going towards others, etc).  H behaved VERY badly at the hospital when my father had life-threatening complications from open-heart surgery, and that was the last straw about trusting him with these kinds of events. 

[Southern_Belle]

Thanks for the replies!

I've become a very private person in my social circles. I don't acknowledge there being any type of relationship going on between E and myself.