Married BPD Waif abused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Haven't been on in year and a half so here goes, my exBPDgf was killed in car accident in 09' but we were broken up.  Just before that I hit on a woman on FB not knowing she was married.  We became very close and over past 4.5 years she has told me time after time how her husband was verbally, emotionally and once in a while physically abusive.  She also helped me a great deal with all my pain from my exBPD fatal accident and it was made worse because we were fighting badly on a Monday and accident was on Friday and from that Monday I didn't even know she was killed until 11 days later.

This current Waif and I have been sexting and texting and she really never split me black only eggshell white when we get close.  The other day after she told me she had been abused I suggest she leave her husband and showed her 4.5 years of abuse messages she sent me and a few articles the sounded like they were written about us.  It's so crazy how hard she pushes me away at the suggestion of her leaving him even though I gave her proof of her misery.  I don't really know what to do I know her family and friends don't like him either but I can even bring up the subject without her getting mad.

The cycle is he abuses her, she seeks my sympathy and empathy and I build her up and then she runs to him to try to fix things and stops sexting me and is short texting me.  This has been going on for years.  Anyone care to analyze this as to why it's so hard to get her to leave a bad situation?  Once while texting out of the blue she said she wanted me to use my fist sexually on her and pee on her and I told I would never do it because I loved her to much.  I would never do it to anyone.  I'm sorry for putting that in their but wanted to show that she likes to be punished.  She's a 9.5 on anyones scale and is 40 years old I'm a young looking in shape 48 year old.

[Applehead]

Haven't been on in year and a half so here goes, my exBPDgf was killed in car accident in 09' but we were broken up.  Just before that I hit on a woman on FB not knowing she was married.  We became very close and over past 4.5 years she has told me time after time how her husband was verbally, emotionally and once in a while physically abusive.  She also helped me a great deal with all my pain from my exBPD fatal accident and it was made worse because we were fighting badly on a Monday and accident was on Friday and from that Monday I didn't even know she was killed until 11 days later.

This current Waif and I have been sexting and texting and she really never split me black only eggshell white when we get close.  The other day after she told me she had been abused I suggest she leave her husband and showed her 4.5 years of abuse messages she sent me and a few articles the sounded like they were written about us.  It's so crazy how hard she pushes me away at the suggestion of her leaving him even though I gave her proof of her misery.  I don't really know what to do I know her family and friends don't like him either but I can even bring up the subject without her getting mad.

The cycle is he abuses her, she seeks my sympathy and empathy and I build her up and then she runs to him to try to fix things and stops sexting me and is short texting me.  This has been going on for years.  Anyone care to analyze this as to why it's so hard to get her to leave a bad situation?  Once while texting out of the blue she said she wanted me to use my fist sexually on her and pee on her and I told I would never do it because I loved her to much.  I would never do it to anyone.  I'm sorry for putting that in their but wanted to show that she likes to be punished.  She's a 9.5 on anyones scale and is 40 years old I'm a young looking in shape 48 year old.

[musicfan42]

Why are you going for yet another waif? You know how this is going to end... .

[Applehead]

Well I guess from us texting and getting along so well I got sucked in.  It's easier than you think and I think being a Christian makes it harder not to help her along with falling in love with her.  I know it's wrong for a Christian to be doing what I've been doing with a married woman but it was like the devil himself picked my exactly taste in looks, personality and other qualities I love and is going to ruin me with them!  It's very hard being single and 48 even though I look 40 and not to be vain but always did well with women but this one has gotten to me more than any other woman my whole life!  I don't go out much and I'm kinda a home body with a sales personality but very down to earth and nice for a ex SEC linebacker.  I do like helping her and it's always been my nature.  Life was simple in college when I didn't care about being in a r/s and had many women chasing me.  Get older and nice and you lose your advantage.

[HoldingAHurricane]

It sounds like you have put many years and much emotional energy into supporting your friend. While she seems to be the perfect match to your ideals about a partner in so many ways, there are also other things that do not make her the ideal partner such as her diagnosis and then her marital status and reluctance to change that. She will also have a lot of healing to do after being so badly abused for so long if she ever does decide to leave. You seem to be clear that the pattern of her interaction with you is pretty well centred around her needs. Ultimately, understanding her choices won't give you any more control over them. Maybe a more helpful focus would be to find out what your own needs are and how you can fulfil them.

Take Care

[raindancer]

Well I guess from us texting and getting along so well I got sucked in.  It's easier than you think and I think being a Christian makes it harder not to help her along with falling in love with her.  I know it's wrong for a Christian to be doing what I've been doing with a married woman but it was like the devil himself picked my exactly taste in looks, personality and other qualities I love and is going to ruin me with them!  It's very hard being single and 48 even though I look 40 and not to be vain but always did well with women but this one has gotten to me more than any other woman my whole life!  I don't go out much and I'm kinda a home body with a sales personality but very down to earth and nice for a ex SEC linebacker.  I do like helping her and it's always been my nature.  Life was simple in college when I didn't care about being in a r/s and had many women chasing me.  Get older and nice and you lose your advantage.

TBH Applehead - two things

1) you've become dependent on this situation

2) you are the classic knight in shining armor

You wanted an analysis - my very amature one is: you have been in this situation for 4.5 yrs. On one level you'd like to save the damsel in distress, no greater achievement than that for a knight.

In a way you do save her frequently by being there for her after her husband abuses her, so that "feel good for the moment" is what's keeping you in the situation.

On another level though, you are dependent on the separation the situation has maintained. You cannot ask her to commit to you while she is married to someone else, she keeps reinforcing she will not commit to you - can it be that that is what's got you hooked? Maybe part of you is afraid of another hurtful commitment, so this commited/non-commited situation is the one that fulfills your need for a relationship without the 100% involvement of a relationship.

This situation also does not cross Christian boundaries in that you are not really commiting biblical adultery by sexting, but it does fulfil the Christian tenent of helping others in need... .

Ever ask yourself exactly what you'd feel and do if she showed up at your door with her bags and divorce papers in her hand?

Really evaluate that in all honesty to yourself... . you may find that the way it is right now is exactly what you are ready for at this point. You may find that if push came to shove and you had the chance to make a commitment to her you might not want to after a while of having her 100% in your life... .

Just an amature analysis... .

[cal644]

I kinda disagree - if you truly have Christian values why are you sexting and texting her?  Maybe you need to look into yourself also.  What type of person would try to ruin a marriage either good or bad.  I will say that is what caused my issues my wife texting and sexting another person and painting me black and spreading lies - is she telling you the truth?.  So in all honesty - I think you need to ask yourself if you are a true Christian.  Ask yourself what type of man would be going after a married woman? Just my thoughts but I have no love for people who have affairs - and yes an emotional affair is still an affair.

[Applehead]

All good points and it does bother me being a Christian doing this I said that in my post and it's my fault for being weak there.  I can tell you that every person Christian or not has a Achilles heel weather it be money, pride or women and I guess for me it's women especially.  Being a Christian is a fight, life isn't easy and it wasn't for King David and Jacob either!  The Conference of Catholic Bishops say when abuse happens the covenant is broken and no one should stay if it continues.  It's been going on for 17 years.

If she showed up at my door and I have though of this, I would marry her and I know life would be difficult bc she pushes away hard when I get to close. 

What in BPD makes them stay in this situation?  They push good people for helping them but why do they go so deeply intertwined in him and not getting her fear of breaking away?