Why do they not hear?

[SadWifeofBPD]

My BPDH was just on the phone with our son.  I was with our adult son, and our son had the phone on speaker so I could hear both sides of the convo.

My H did something that he commonly does:  He was talking (droning on and on) but in a good mood.  My son kept trying to say something, and my H just didn't "hear" him.  H wasn't mad at our son.  H was just "in the zone" so to speak and just wasn't processing that our son was trying to say something.  Our son had something important to say, but never got the opportunity because H was in "Chatty Cathy" mode and he just didn't seem to realize that our son was asking questions, etc.

This has happened many, many times to me and both our sons during phone conversations with H.  Conversations are nearly 100% one way - H speaking in non-stop sentences.   

What is going on in the pwBPD's brain that while they're talking (even when in a good mood), they can't process that someone else is trying to participate in the conversation.

[byasliver]

I'd love to hear one of the vets weigh in on this, too. I've seen it lots with my husband. Even yesterday I reminded him of an appointment that he was there when it was made but he completely forgot! At first he tried to deny that he was present when the appt. was made but quickly had to admit that he was. Then he was totally dumbfounded that he had forgotten it. I wanted soo badly to use the moment to say, "SEE! This is what I've been trying to tell you about how you do not listen to others" but I bit my tongue. It was a fairly big problem until he got himself in the habit of using Google Calendar but it still comes up at times. It does seem like they are just "in a zone" and tune everything and everyone else out.

[SadWifeofBPD]

^^^

H does that as well (and as I understand, many non-H's don't pay attention when their wives or others are telling them things).

My H does this odd thing on the phone.  He'll start talking and there's no stopping.  If you try to interupt for clarification, he doesn't hear you.  If you try to ask a question, he doesn't hear you.  He just keeps on talking.  You literally have to YELL into the phone, "EXCUSE ME, I need to ask you something," in order for it to register with him that someone else would like to say something.

When the conversation is "in person", he often isn't even looking at the person when he's talking.  He's looking off somewhere else, but still rattling on.

[bruceli]

dBPD/NPDw does the same... . In that state it is not so much having a conversation with someone else as much as it is them monologuing... . as if they love to hear themselves talk.

[SadWifeofBPD]

dBPD/NPDw does the same... . In that state it is not so much having a conversation with someone else as much as it is them monologuing... . as if they love to hear themselves talk.

I have been thinking the same thing for quite awhile, but I'm guessing that there's more to it than that with pwBPD. 

[bruceli]

Agreed... . It seems as though what they have to say is more important than the other persons?

[byasliver]

With my husband it's more that he assumes he knows what the other person would have to say. I have been interrupted more times than I can count and I've had him make bad decisions because he simply "knew" what someone else thought. The nearly constant assumptions really bother me.

[SadWifeofBPD]

With my husband it's more that he assumes he knows what the other person would have to say. I have been interrupted more times than I can count and I've had him make bad decisions because he simply "knew" what someone else thought. The nearly constant assumptions really bother me.

The "assuming" thing seems to be very common.  Last month I witnessed a convo between H and my older son.  Older son mentioned that he was going on a business trip for a week.  H just "took off" from there, assuming that he knew where son was going, which airport he'd be using, which rental car company, type of car he'd likely get, etc.  H went "on and on and on" while our son was trying to get a word in edgewise to FINALLY say that the trip wasn't that far away, he'd be driving his own car, etc.  It was kind of hilarious to witness this going on with someone else because usually I only got to experience it personally.

My T has told me that she believes that H's mom had NPD, and she assumes a LOT. 

I think the assuming part has to do with the gross immaturity that exists.

[Dawning]

I have noticed that too with my ex pwBPD. Whenever I tried to come into the conversation I was told that I was rude to interrupt him. I think it all boils down to lack of empathy.

[VeryFree]

My stbx did that too. I could start a story and after a few sentences she would either talk about something different or give her opinion and not let me finish my story.

For me highly irritating. At a certain moment I walked away when she did that. She told me I was rude. I told her if she didn't want to listen to me, why should I stay and listen to her. Big arguement. Of course this all was before I learned about BPD.

[zkirtz]

Oh Yes my BPD friend did this too. I like to compare it with Duckman. Duckmans rants about all wrongs in the world according to BPD. And when you interrupt after 15 minutes with, "can I go to the bathroom now" its: "You are always interrupting me!"



I tend to think that it helps if I look on the clock and say gently in my sweetest voice that he has been talking for 15 minutes now. But not every time. I have to be original or I am accused of nagging.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I have noticed that too with my ex pwBPD. Whenever I tried to come into the conversation I was told that I was rude to interrupt him. I think it all boils down to lack of empathy.

Yes!  iAfter listening to long, long, long paragraphs of words, any attempt to say anything is met with, "don't interupt me."

I once had a boss that would go "on and on" and would often be on the wrong track.  But if you attempted to correct the misconception, he'd yell at the person for interupting him.  I watched him do this over and over to people (all of them women).  He did it ONE time to me and I quit on the spot.  I told him that I could tell that he didn't like women because he was rude to all of his female employees.  Now that I know more about BPD and NPD, I can guess that he had one or the other.