I think I was wrong about H having BPD

[byasliver]

It has been yet another sleepless night for me (I've had several of those lately) but it has helped me clear my head some and really rethink things. I spent a ton of time looking over old emails/letters/etc. and am now about 99% sure my husband does NOT have BPD. He was far too empathetic in the beginning. I just forgot that somewhere along the way. I could explain it all in detail but it would be a novel! I am quite sure that whatever has been going on with him started when he was deployed to Iraq. I don't know that it's PTSD but I do know that it was during that time that he seemed to lose all ability to empathize. I cannot tell you how huge this discovery is for me... . and for us.  I haven't talked to him about it, yet, but plan to later today. For the first time in months, maybe years, I feel tremendously hopeful. I feel like we have both been looking for answers in all the wrong places but are now finally on the right path towards healing. We would have never gotten here without the paths we've travelled and the lessons we learned. We were still moving in the right direction and that has helped us get to this point.

Quickly, in a nutshell, here are the major points that brought me to this: first, he was VERY empathetic when we dated and first married. In fact, he was that way until Iraq. I had forgotten all the wonderful examples of that until recently. It was that loss of empathy and his anger that first had us suspecting PTSD but he's not having flashbacks so it didn't completely fit. Second, most of his anger has been directed at me which fit more with BPD but then in my search for clarity, I was reminded of just how caring and empathetic he once was... . before Iraq. So, looking back, BPD doesn't fit either. The year he was in Iraq was a horrendous year for us. Not only was he in heavy combat but we had numerous family dramas/tragedies: at least one every single month that year. We jokingly call that "the year from hell". Since I was his main contact at home, it fell on me to tell him every time something happened and I think in an effort to cope, he just started blaming me - without realizing it - and because his job kept him away from home even in the years since, he (and we) never faced his feelings and got a chance to heal.

I will probably not be around these boards much anymore but I will keep checking in. So many here were so helpful. I wish I could post this as a "success" story but we are not there yet. We still have a long way to go but not as far as we once thought. I do want to caution everyone here that mental illnesses are so very tricky. So many have the same symptoms but different causes. Or the same causes but different symptoms. You have to really get to the bottom of what's going on - the WHY before real healing can take place. That was the one piece of the puzzle we were missing. It troubled me to no end because I knew how important that information was.

Don't ever stop fighting for your loved one because they can't do it for themselves. Therapists are great but they don't know your loved one like you do. Be their biggest ally because you may be the only one they have.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

There are many here who are probably not dealing with BPD in its true form. However they are experiencing BPD type behaviors. The tools here are great for dealing with anyone, even those with no disorders. If what is contained on this forum provide a useful guide to help you deal with the hard times then it is a useful place to visit.

Good luck however things unfold

[DarkCurls54]

Thank you for your post! And - thank you to your husband for his service to our country!

I DO have PTSD... .   and in reviewing my failed relationship with a pwBPD, I was beginning to see certain similarities in our behaviors - so much so that I was beginning to wonder if perhaps it was ME that was Borderline!

Your post has helped me to clarify something I had been missing in all the self-analysis: traumatic events get written into our bodies and fill many of the formerly neutral spaces with FEAR.  PwBPD also experience great fear - but the TRIGGERS are different.

Intimate relationships will always be problematic for both sets of people.  But for those of us with PTSD, even those of us who have survived sexual trauma, relationship difficulties are not the SOURCE of our terror - the source is violence and being disempowered and violated by something we could not hope to control.  For people with BPD, on the other hand, the SOURCE of the terror is "Relationship" and the possibility of losing connection/ "connectedness." 

This may explain why those of us with PTSD feel a huge measure of relief when we are properly diagnosed - because we experience the "empathy" of the diagnosis - someone else feels the way we do, someone else understands us. We are able to affiliate with other members of The Trauma Tribe, even if that doesn't immediately remedy our symptoms.

People with BPD often don't even recognize their own symptoms and recoil with distrust when someone tries to confront them with a diagnosis.  They are unable to even go to the first step of admitting that there is a pattern to their behavior and self-reflection is rarely effective.

There is a huge difference here - thank you for helping me to understand it better.

I have two books that might interest you & your husband:

"Healing from Truama" by Jasmin Lee Cori

"I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors" by Aphrodite Matsakis

Thanks & blessings to you & family.

[byasliver]

My husband has been denying he had any issue up until recently. And even then the only thing he has really admitted to was his inability to empathize and "feel". I NEVER brought up BPD with him but he was screened several times for PTSD and TBI without ever being diagnosed with either. I do think this is a trauma induced condition but one in which we are both equally suffering with but the fault lies in circumstances more than anything. Our lives created a "perfect storm" so-to-speak which led us to this point. I fully believe we might have been okay if he had just been able to stay closer to home in the years after he was in Iraq but that didn't happen.

The tools here have been so tremendously helpful. Again, I would have never reached this point without all the help and wisdom received here.

Thanks for the kind replies. I had virtually no sleep last night and hubby is still asleep so I think I'm going to go snuggle with him for a bit and try to get some much needed rest.

[LetItBe]

Hi, byasilver.  

I also would like to say thanks to your husband for his service.  I'm so sorry that both of you are struggling in the aftermath like so many other veterans and their families.

I was a little confused about my uBPDxbf... . if he had BPD or something else.  He seemed SO empathetic in the beginning of our r/s -- and also at other times later in our r/s -- except when we got so close that that intimacy became a trigger for him.  Stress seemed to bring his ability to empathize with me down to a very impaired level.  It was astonishing, really.  I wondered if I was dealing with someone with DID.  He seemed like 2 different people -- one who could empathize and have conversations making amends and agreements -- and the other one who could completely detach from me and my feelings and any compromises he agreed to.

He's never told me that he was diagnosed with BPD specifically.  He's only made reference to his "disorders."  I've seen that he does have all 9 BPD traits, though, and the empathy impairment (and self-harming via alcohol) is only obvious when he's under stress.

I'm no expert on BPD and PTSD, however, from what I've read, they do have a lot in common.  I was also told by a very reliable source that BPD's new label might become "Extended PTSD."  She's treated both PTSD and BPD, and she agrees that they can have so many similarities.

Good luck to you and your husband.  I hope for continued healing for both of you.

[Murbay]

Byasliver, I can relate to your situation because I too am ex-military and like DarkCurls, also suffered from PTSD after spending time in a war zone 10 years ago. Either way, your H needs to seek professional help to help him adjust.

It is very difficult because they do exhibit similar symptoms and possibly more research needed into his attitudes, thinking, feelings and behaviours before his military career. pwBPD are able to exhibit empathy at the beginning of a relationship. It was the thing that confused me when my T told me that my exBPDw was devoid of all empathy because I had seen it in the beginning but I didn't see it during or at the end.

From a soldiers point of view, you have to understand that the time spent in war, you are running off adrenaline for the entire time. Feeling and emotions are suppressed and you work of a premise of act first, think later. It's down to basic survival instincts where you trust nobody and know that your life and those of your comrades could disappear at any second and without warning. It is a very intense and extreme situation to be in.

Coupled with the fact that as soldiers, there are things that happen in war that you struggle to comprehend with, that don't make logical sense. Basically the rules of society that we learned growing up don't apply and the illogical becomes the norm. Trying to adjust afterwards is very difficult, especially if we have done things to stay alive in combat that wouldn't be acceptable in the real world.

From my own experience, intense feelings of anger towards the enemy were bottled up with no outlet. After I came out, they had to go somewhere and while knowing it wasn't acceptable to take it out on others, I kept it bottled up. Every now and again, it seeped through in an argument with family or I would just emotionally detach, though I wasn't ever physical I did make people fearful. Other signs were that for the first year, I wouldn't step on the grass or go on a beach because of an irrational fear of it being landmined. I would get frustrated at friends and family not understanding that fear, though looking back, the fact I considered my own garden to have landmines was my own irrational thinking. Through therapy, I was able to combat the intense nightmares and control the anger. I took up martial arts and other sports where I could let that anger out in a controlled environment to the point where I had control over my emotions again.

So looking at how a BPD mind works and being on the end of PTSD, I can see how some of the symptoms match up. Also a word on being screened and not diagnosed, I slipped through the net originally too because I was able to give the answers they psych team wanted to hear. In the military, it was considered a sign of weakness if you brought something back from war with you. Soldiers are meant to be battle ready at all times so we knew the psych answers to "pass" the test. However, it wasn't the effects of war that caused my PTSD, that just laid the foundation. It was my final year in the military where I suffered a lot of abuse, emotional, physical and mental, simply for the fact I was leaving that triggered it.

Either way, you H should be seen by a professional because I know he is living in hell right now too and it is not a nice place to be in. For you, just keep doing what you are doing and most importantly take care of yourself. Don't think that because H might have PTSD that you should lower your own boundaries because regardless of BPD or PTSD, it isn't your fault and you have every right to remain healthy too 

[Grey Kitty]

byasliver,

I remember somebody else here questioning whether their partner had BPD or not, and talking about the need for a diagnosis or something. I remember saying that the question of BPD, or not is a actually a pretty unimportant here.

What is important is do the lessons and tools here help you live your life and make your relationship work better.

Heck, sometimes I wonder if it really was BPD my wife was dealing with or not... . but I know that the tools here sure helped me too!

I'm still wishing you and your husband the best. And trusting fate that a year like that won't hit you again!

 GK

[byasliver]

Thanks, GK. I have said for awhile that I really don't care what label gets put on his issues: they can call it "purple polka dots" for all I care as long as they are treating the symptoms - which they are. Things are improving... . slowly but surely.

Murbay, my husband is being seen by three therapists right now so he is getting help. I am also seeing a therapist and it has helped greatly. I don't know that my husband will ever be able to admit he has PTSD or any named disorder but he can handle treating the symptoms and that's okay with me.

DarkCurlz, your post highlights what has been so important for me in realizing what my husband's issues are: that the source and triggers are important. My husband was in a command position in combat so there was some added pressure to be "okay." He was expected to "maintain" because lives depended on it and that feeds his need to deny any diagnosis. But knowing that it was that time in our lives that affected him so strongly, it's easier to see the triggers and deal with them in a healthier manner. For example, last night we were going somewhere in the car when another car nearly hit us. I jumped and he snapped at me for reacting. It wasn't clear to me in the moment but later I could look at it and see that it was due to his time in combat. He had to keep his soldiers calm no matter what was going on. Before, we when thought BPD a moment like that would have seemed like something else. Now, I can more clearly see it for what it truly is.

I cannot thank the military vets who have responded enough. It is so incredible that you are able to recognize the effect war had on yourself. I won't go off on a rant about the military and it's shortcomings about how it so thoroughly trains soldiers for combat but does little to prepare them from re-entering civilian life but I have seen firsthand how difficult your struggles are. I am in awe of your strength.