Coming to terms with my anxiety...

[sanemom]

We went to court the other day, and I was aware that my anxiety was off the charts.  All we were fighting for was to have a neutral counselor to work with DSD and DH to improve their relationship after years of PA. 

So I felt being anxious about such a hearing was ridiculous... . then I started self-examining and I think I figured out why.

I lost my son over 10 years ago.  He was in the hospital for dehydration.  During his hospital stay one of the techs had made mention to me that it was odd he had thrush in his throat.  Because the tech didn't seem to be too concerned, I never made mention of it to anyone.  Unfortunately, tt was that thrush in his throat that eventually got into his bloodstream and took him off this earth.  I still have those moments when I feel like I failed to protect him because I didn't tell the doctors about the thrush.

Fast forward to our case where even with all of my knowledge and skill set, "I" failed to convey to the GAL in a way he could understand about all of the parental alienation going on.  (I put "I" in quotes because I didn't really do much talking with the GAL, but I did help prepare the documentation of the alienation, and there was a TON).  Because of how DSD has been even more damaged since she has moved to her BPD mom's, there is a part of me that feels like I FAILED TO PROTECT her as well.  Thus, amplified anxiety--hits too close to my heart.

I have come to peace with my son's death in that I can see the wisdom in it, if you will (not to say it stops hurting occasionally when you see the wisdom).

I then realized that I will see the wisdom in what has happened to DSD as well. 

When that all came together for me the afternoon before court, my anxiety disappeared.

Then we went to court, and it really seems like the GAL has lost some credibility with the judge.  The judge has assigned someone else to monitor the reunification counseling (a typical GAL duty, I thought) and the judge himself is going to interview DSD (another typical GAL duty, I thought).  This is the first time since this mess started YEARS ago that someone in authority with the power to do something HAS TAKEN THE ALIENATION SERIOUSLY.  The judge was not happy at all with the alienation and sympathizes with my DH. 

I may not totally agree with the plan they made, but I can appreciate the wisdom of it, and for the first time in years, I feel like we have been heard.  It's all good.

[Thunderstruck]

  That's a nice story. We all have difficult storms to weather, it's part of this beautiful fragile life we've been given. It really does make us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate, I think. I personally believe that as long as I continue to put out kindness and love into the world then all will be well in the end.

This is my quote du jour:

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." -Chuck Palahniuk

[mamachelle]

Hi sanemom,

I was thinking about your post all day. It was a very moving sad story and cautionary tale. I didn't know you had lost a child. I've only been back on the Parenting Board since January after a long hiatus.

I too feel anxiety for my children and my stepchildren especially. I had a uNPD stepmom and when I initially came into my SS lives... . I realized so much of my anxiety stemmed from not wanting them to not have someone there for them. I felt like so many adults let me down as a kid, and I didn't want them to feel like they had to pretend all was ok with me or with their mom. I wanted to be an agent of active change _ gosh that sounds corporate- but I didn't want to be passive in their lives even if I was operating in the background.

I'm glad you were able to feel like you made a difference and see where the anxiety leads. In this case... . right to where you were needed and you were able to act on it and see a change. 

Your DSD is lucky to have you in her corner.

 mamachelle

[sanemom]

Hi sanemom,

I was thinking about your post all day. It was a very moving sad story and cautionary tale. I didn't know you had lost a child. I've only been back on the Parenting Board since January after a long hiatus.

I too feel anxiety for my children and my stepchildren especially. I had a uNPD stepmom and when I initially came into my SS lives... . I realized so much of my anxiety stemmed from not wanting them to not have someone there for them. I felt like so many adults let me down as a kid, and I didn't want them to feel like they had to pretend all was ok with me or with their mom. I wanted to be an agent of active change _ gosh that sounds corporate- but I didn't want to be passive in their lives even if I was operating in the background.

I'm glad you were able to feel like you made a difference and see where the anxiety leads. In this case... . right to where you were needed and you were able to act on it and see a change. 

Your DSD is lucky to have you in her corner.

 mamachelle

I think a lot of times when we have such amplified emotions, it stems from our past.  I am sorry you had so many let you down as a child--that is very painful.  I think it is a gift when we use that past pain to help someone, and that is just what you are doing with your stepkids.  I try to use it as a driving force to help DSD, but sometimes I am afraid, I have difficulty keeping that energy inside.

I found myself biting my tongue, for the most part, but I did say a couple of things to the stupid GAL that I wish I hadn't--I wish I had been able to be fairly blank for him.  He makes my blood boil.  He makes my blood boil because HE hurt those kids.  HE has put DSD through it.  I blame HIM for making a recommendation in the best interest of BPD mom, not the kids.