Complications with new baby in equation and the personality of a BPDd

[heronbird]

 

Well, I wonder if dd is ok now, I remember a bit when I had newborns, I was over protective but in a different way.

So, I think they are being so over protective and making life so much harder for themselves. Yesterday I was there and she shouted at me three times, now I work with under 3s I have done for 17 years, plus Ive had 4 children.

I was winding the baby patting him so gently  and was successful, dd told me off saying I was patting him too  hard. then she told me off twice saying I wasnt supporting head, then when dummy fell out of his mouth I went to put it on the chair she told me off, said put it back in put it back in quickly. She wont let him cry for one second, says he must have a bottle if he makes a tiny noise, then he has a tiny bit of bottle so he is never getting the right amount then they worry hes not getting enough, everytime I go round there they are constantly trying to wake him to feed him.

Im worried she is getting ill again, then I worry that the baby is not getting sorted out properly and its all going to be too difficult for dd.

Her dh has been good, he knows everything he has a few funny ideas too but he is mostly ok. The problem is he is doing everything and she wont be able to cope when he goes back to work on Tuesday. She even asked me if I think the baby will be easier by then. Its like the old thing of dont be controlling to a pwBPD because they already feel out of control with their head being all over the place. In this case he is controlling but not meaning to be.

When they change the nappy they always do it together, he baths the baby, and does nearly everything haaa so good of him really, cant imagine my dh doing anything like that, he wouldnt have had a clue.

Yesterday baby had a jab and dd said she cried more than the baby, she refused the jab the hospital wanted to give baby. She just cant stand to see him upset, do you think she will get over it soon. What signs should I be looking for in case dd gets ill?

Its all confused now with a new baby, she is on a plan, so they are watching her a bit, there is a team of people, they dont go round that often and dont stay for long but I am paart of the plan too, I am supposed to see her everyday and tell someone if I am worried. Im just not sure how much of this is right or normal.

i wont feed baby again, prob wont hold him for a while, too scared now hehe, Ill be there for them and do more practical things I think, and I want her to hold him more and do the mum things like feed etc. She needs to learn herself

I just wondered how you granmas got on, was it similar? How do I tell her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

heronbird:  I'm not a grandma but I do remember vividly bringing home my first baby and how nervous I was.  I actually kept a notebook and recorded everytime she had a bottle, how much she drank, if she peed or pooped, if she even had a hiccup.  I am sure I snapped at my mom everytime she made a suggestion or did something not because she was doing something wrong but I remember feeling so scared and nervous that I was snappy at everyone. 

It sounds like your daughter is afraid and maybe rightfully so.  Being a new mom is scary.  Maybe when you are with her you could ask her what she would like you to do and maybe in the beginning it won't be doing things with the baby.  It could be laundry or food shopping or a little light cleaning.  Or maybe just being around will be comforting. 

Your daughters behavior reminded me also of when my older nonBPD moved into her own apartment.  We had driven 3 hours on moving day to help her and everything I did was wrong... . don't put the towels in that closet, no I don't want that there, after a few hours of doing everything wrong I finally realized that she was just a nervous and anxious wreck and it really had nothing to do with me, so I asked her what she wanted me to do.  She gave me a few jobs and I asked her to be specific.  We stayed with her for four days and each day as she settled in it got a little better. 

Give your daughter some time.  She knows her dh will be giong back to work and that must be very scary and being a mom is pretty scary stuff.

Griz

[heronbird]

Thanks Griz, gosh did you have that with your older dd wow, its horrible isnt it. My dh does not get upset about all this stuff, I guess in a way I am over protective towards my dd, having been so ill, Im probably a bit scared too.

I have had a word with myself and I know to back off really a lot, but Im cooking every night and will be next week.

She even gets funny if Im just talking about baby stuff, as if I am giving her advice but Im not. It really feels like she is saying I hate you, Please dont leave me.

It does not matter if she is doing everything wrong as long as baby is fine. However, I am keen for her not to make a rod for her own back, like for example demand feeding would be so bad for dd, she would blow herself out.

Remember what we all say about pwBPD, they always set themselves up to be the best at what ever they do, then they blow themselves out because its all too much stress and demanding.

thanks Griz  

[qcarolr]

Heronbird -

Sometimes my DD just needed me to sit with her while she took care of my gd, and she had more confidence with my gs 2 years later. And the gs was a very fussy baby. I was over-involved with gd and maybe under-involved with gs -- they had different daddies and by then we had custody of gd. Very messy situation, not like yours in many ways.

It maybe be a good thing to be asking how you can help - let your girl feel more in control of her life. Hoping things settle a little. Is there a traveling nurse that she would listen to about soothing things for the babe and a bit of routine? Would she listen more easily to someone else?

Qcr  

[heronbird]

Thank you so much, I understand to just sit with her, its so so hard what to talk about. We have now realised she is doing rigid thinking, Im so grateful for this board  it so supportive.

Yesterday dd asked if we would take her to the shop she needed some more bottles, so her brother took her and I went in the shop with her, but it had to be exactly the same bottle as the one she is using, they dont do that shape any more and she could not have anything different, she said this one works for him so it has to be the same, I did keep trying to show others but it was like she couldnt hear me. Im sure you know what I mean.

Also, why is it just me she has a go at? I cant work that out, she is fine with the rest of the family, honestly, I really dont say anything. The other day the baby smelt because they cant use bibs because it takes too long to put a bib on and if hes crying its not nice for him. so the milk on his clothes smelt, I didnt say anything, there has been loads of things, I really dont say anything.

So she is highly sensitive and even worse because of baby. You know she refused BCG jab for him in hospital, no one does that.

We live in a high risk area they said.

She has a social worker for baby, she knows nothing about BPD, she has other workers too that dont understand BPD.


Ok, Im going on and on again

Just wanted to know what you think, Id really appreciate any ideas.

does it sound like she is going down hill, I mean the rigid thinking I presume is because she has just been through a major ordeal and tired, highly sensitive  is another thing isnt it. Crying is normal ish .

Am I over concerned, honestly, its times like this that you realise how much you love your children even though she is 19, I feel over protective of her. Ive been through so much with her. I dont think it will be the same with my other 3, I know they will be ok plus the fact they are older.

I am really trying to make her involved Im keen on not seeming to be controlling, I know thats the worse thing for her

[Thursday]

hi heronbird,

Congratulations on your new grandson.

Whew, it's a lot on all sides. Your daughter is working through her thoughts and the changes in her life to take care of someone else. Yu are anxious to know how this will go... . both for your daughter and for the new baby. I can't imagine how worrisome it must be for you to feel so much concern if this is going to cause your daughter to dysregulate and at the same time, you worry about the care, proper care, of your grandson.

I know you have probably already said this to your daughter... .

"I'm here if you need my help. I remember the beginning maternal feelings when I had *whichever of your children was first* so I am at your disposal if you have any concerns or worries about caring for your baby."

Of course, if you see anything that would indicate that your grandson is in harms way you must respond accordingly. Be mindful that sometimes our BPD loved ones need to learn things for themselves... . for instance maybe your daughter hasn't worked it out yet that she might need to change the babies clothes after he has his bottle. I'm sure that his being a little stinky isn't going to keep you from wanting to cover him with kisses! Important to give her a bit of room to learn how to mother him.

It must be so frustrating to you not to be able to just give little pointers and be the grandma that you want to be. Maybe it will help your daughter to hear more about how thrilled you are to be a grandma and how silly and overthetop grandmas are over their grandbabies.

I have a hunch, soon, very soon, she will be willing to relinquish a tiny bit of this precious baby to you... . she will have a day when she feels overwhelmed and wants to feel more like an 18 year old without a baby (she is 18 right?) and you will be there to look him over and interact with him and get things sorted out if you have concerns.

Best of luck... . try not to be so anxious. If your DD is anything like my SD she is able to intuit that you are anxious and worried and maybe she is just unsure of what causes this in you and is projecting something else. It's so hard to get to the core of these issues, isn't it? Wish I had more insight for you hb.

thursday

[mikmik]

Heron,

This is going in an all-together different way, but have you thought about calling in your BPD advisors for the support group you are starting?  Bateman?  Maybe he can place a call, maybe he would want to follow your dd's journey into motherhood from the beginning and offer his help?  I think a few well placed calls may shake things up and your dd could get the proper support.  It is still up to her to use it, but at least she would have the right people in place.  Pick up the phone and call in your favors.  You have done a lot over in the UK.  Someone owes you back.

mik

[heronbird]

Thank you mic, yes I was wondering about that, in fact I started writing an email to Valerie, I thought I bet she would be good, but she is soso busy, I will see Anthony soon so I can just ask him maybe or I dont like to bother these people really. So I could ask dds psychiatrist if I get stuck.

Things are changing every day and today is a better day so maybe they are settling and its just me being over protective and scared.

Thursday, I havent really said that to her, but I will its obvious but I didnt think of it.

Today I popped to see dd, she told me that her dh went out so that she gets used to being alone with baby, so I think that is so good of him.

She didnt seem to be doing rigid thinking either and she has learnt a lot more things, I went in her kitchen and cleaned and did loads, she seemed happy with that, I did want to hold baby but I stopped myself.

Remember pwBPD do often have a problem with jealousy, I wonder if she felt I was taking over and she could see that I was confident and she was not with the baby. Remember its only me she is having a go at.

I thought, when I had my babies I didnt want my mum to push the pram when we went out, it was my baby and I loved the pram and I wanted to push it. So maybe dd is thinking its my baby I dont want mum to wind him and do her things on him. I dont know. One day she may tell me then Ill know.

I have a friend who is 53 who has BPD and a 18 year old, I am going to ask her advice she is so so helpful.

[jellibeans]

heronbird

how exciting for everyone involved... . what a happy time for you all. I think you need to remember she is probably acting like any new mom... . just trying to figure things out. When my older dd was a baby and first started taking a bottle she didn't like it and I had to buy many types with different nipples... . then I found one she liked. There is so much to learn with a new baby and just when you think you have it figured out it all changes again and then suddenly they are not napping as much or they start eating solids... . and on and on. My personality type was I just want to get to a point where I was comfortable and the was a schedule but sometimes that never really happens... . and instead of be the planner and the organized one you have to fly by the seat of your pants and wing it... . I am sure you remember that first baby and all the adjusting that needed to be done. I think it is good your are keeping a bit of distance right now... . helping with house and chores is really what she needs right now. She must be so tired. I am sure you are being such a good gramma... . so happy to hear all about it... .  

[heronbird]

Hi thanks, it must be a lovely time, for her anyway cos I dont see them so I dont know :'( haha, I feel sorry for me.

Yes sure I remember being a new mum but I didnt push people away, I understood that my mum wanted to help, I told her before I had the baby I didnt want her there really, but she said I might need help so she would come, I put up with it.

It will be horrible if she suddenly needs me and I dont even know the baby. Id love to cuddle him, I love him and its hard. I just want one cuddle. He is so lovely, he really has his eyes open and looking at everyone, it upset me cos dd was holding him and he was really looking at her and she didnt even realise, I wanted to talk and hold him. I always did that with my kids.

Shes all fingers and thumbs with him, yet I cant help. I really thought she would be asking me for help.

Its a good thing though, she is managing on her own. She is painfully independent and always has been. Shes waited a long time for this baby and she wants to enjoy him. Thats all good stuff.