BPDH is also an alcoholic. We've been married for 28 years, together for 30 years. We have two adult sons. One recently finished his PhD and the other graduated from college in May and is starting med school in August. Both boys are the sunshine of my life. I'm very proud of them.
H and I separated because, according to him, I upset him too much. And, because last August he had a physical altercation with one of our kids (H's fault 100%, but he is in complete denial about that). H's claim is that I should have "forced" our son to apologize to H (son is an adult who lives elsewhere, and I can't "force" him to do anything. Plus, it wasn't our son's fault!)
Anyway, for several months leading up to the separation, H would dysregulate and start raging about how I had let him down by not forcing our son to apologize. A couple of times, the raging was so outrageous that our other son called the police.
We've been separated for about 2-3 months now. At first, H was bragging that he's doing so much better away from me.
(I always found his claims odd, since: 1) he's always been very needy; 2) he's always expected me to do a LOT for him; 3) he's not used to doing ANY housework, laundry, cooking, etc; 4) (this is the biggie) By separating, he still isn't getting what he claims that he needs: an apology and reconciliation from his son.
So, during the first month or so after the separation, he was bragging that he's not drinking, he's sleeping better, and he's getting to work on-time every day. He's been bragging that he's being "super healthy", working out, eating right, etc. And, he's been claiming, that he no longer has to take his anti-depression meds and other related meds; and of course, he always would mention to everyone that this is because he's away from me... . the source of all his "pain." ( from what I've learned, I am a trigger for his pain. I am supposed to be PERFECT, flawless, know everything, all powerful, can fix anything, smartest woman on earth. So, when my normal human failings are present, he dysregulates because I've "let him down", I'm "an idiot", "the worst wife", "the worst mother", etc. I don't know if he's still not drinking; I suspect that he has returned to the bottle.
So, what is going on? Those who are more familiar with pwBPD (the needy, "take care of me" types), can probably provide some insight into what's happening.
I'm guessing that during those first few weeks, he was coping with alcohol, but then stopped that (at least for awhile). But, now, he's bothered by losing his family, he's alone in some lonely apartment with no furniture except a bed and a TV, he hasn't seen any family member since mid-March (Older son and I moved 150 miles away), his dog is with me, our cats are with me, and he's annoyed with having to do housework, laundry, etc. He had envisioned this "wonderful life" away from me, and now he's realizing that his "child-like dream of running away from home" isn't what he thought is would be.
I've learned thru very, very, very reputable close sources that A) he hasn't been showing up for work on many days; B) when he does go to work, he either goes late and/or leaves early, C) He "blew off" a golf outing that he was very committed to going to. D) he hasn't been going to the gym. E) He's essentially just "holed up" in his apt sleeping and watching TV, when he's not at work.
H is under "strict orders" from his long-distance relatives to never speak to me again (his relatives do NOT know me. I've only seen them a few times over 30 years and each time was pleasant. However, they've been told that I've been unfaithful (100% not true. I've never even held hands with another man in over 30 years) and they've been told that I've neglected H over and over again. And, they think I should have been able to "force" our son to apologize. Of course, they think our son was the instigator for the altercation, which isn't true.
Anyway, H's relatives don't know that H has BPD, so they don't know about how he paints me Black so his criticisms and paranoias should be taken "with a grain of salt." In their minds, H has told them that he has a horrible, selfish, unfaithful wife who never does anything for him, and they think that if he talks to me, he'll "give in" and go back to me. Since they're convinced that the lies about me are true, and they believe that it's my fault that H is an alcoholic, their only goal is to keep us apart - forever. Because H was desperate for someone to lean on (by phone), he made this promise to never speak to me again.
My guess is that time has shown H that a "phone relationship" with his brother isn't "enough" for him. I think he's sinking into further depression because none of this is turning out as he had thought (H is very impulsive and lacks foresight).
I do know that H showed up at our vacation home about 2 weeks ago because he thinks that I live there ( I don't... . I don't want him to know where I live). I know that he spent the night in that vacation home, presumably thinkiing that I would "show up" and he could pretend that he hadn't initiated contact with me if the subject came up with his family.
So, what's going on? Is he falling apart? Is reality slapping him in the face? Is he like the child who claims that he doesn't need anyone, but then realizes who's going to make his dinner?
