Confusion Abounds

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I spent last night having dinner with a friend. This friend thinks I need to leave my partner and spent a lot of time last night urging me to do so.

I get home and receive a phone call from the sponsor of an acquaintance in CoDA. This sponsor is also a lesbian and my acquaintance thought I would benefit from speaking to her about the problems in my r/s. We talked for about an hour. This woman's take was that my partner is trying to let me down easy and has no interest in fixing our r/s. As evidence, she cited the fact that my partner is so rarely home anymore and when she is home, she can't spend more than a few hours with me without escaping to have coffee with the married man/father figure who seems to have become her new confidante... . sometimes for hours and hours at a time.

She sees this married man every day that she is home and they text all day, every day. It's an emotional affair of sorts, although I don't believe it's a sexualized one, on her end at least. But it's definitely an emotional affair. As she has shut me out, she has gone to him for whatever support she needs.

I don't have a home with my partner. She is like a stray cat going from place to place. She stays a few days with her sister, a few days with me, sometimes a few days with her best friend who lives 400 miles away. That's usually where she runs when she disappears on weekends.

Her few possessions are at my place but that is about the extent of "home" at this point.

I have raised some of these issues with my partner and she has had an answer for everything which I have accepted up to this point, but the reality is I am unhappy, I am lonely and I cannot continue like this for much longer... . "like this" meaning, feeling so unimportant to her (because that is how I am being treated).

I am a teacher and we work a long school year, but summer break is about to start. For the past 10 years summer has been all about time together. I am filled with trepidation over what might happen this time. I don't think I can handle these extended disappearances over the course of the next six weeks. This isn't what a relationship should be.

I've posted here that there has been improvement in recent days/weeks. She has become more affectionate some days, holding my hand, we even cuddled last week for the first time in two months. But I think my problem is that when I get some "good stuff" from her, I expect things to go back to the way they were. That is just not going to happen.

I had a difficult school year especially after all of this r/s stuff started to happen. I really had a hard time functioning and my performance reflected it. My school is really big on test scores, and my 4th quarter scores were horrible. Add to this the fact that budgets are in bad shape and that I am making about 10K more than many of my colleagues... . and let's just say... . that I am ready for anything when I receive my final evaluation. I could end up losing my job very easily. So I've got a lot on my mind right now.

I want to be understanding and supportive of her but I cannot do so at the expense of my happiness and my sanity.  I am unhappy and insane most of the time right now. I just don't know what to do.

[cult]

I spent last night having dinner with a friend. This friend thinks I need to leave my partner and spent a lot of time last night urging me to do so.

I get home and receive a phone call from the sponsor of an acquaintance in CoDA. This sponsor is also a lesbian and my acquaintance thought I would benefit from speaking to her about the problems in my r/s. We talked for about an hour. This woman's take was that my partner is trying to let me down easy and has no interest in fixing our r/s. As evidence, she cited the fact that my partner is so rarely home anymore and when she is home, she can't spend more than a few hours with me without escaping to have coffee with the married man/father figure who seems to have become her new confidante... . sometimes for hours and hours at a time.

She sees this married man every day that she is home and they text all day, every day. It's an emotional affair of sorts, although I don't believe it's a sexualized one, on her end at least. But it's definitely an emotional affair. As she has shut me out, she has gone to him for whatever support she needs.

I don't have a home with my partner. She is like a stray cat going from place to place. She stays a few days with her sister, a few days with me, sometimes a few days with her best friend who lives 400 miles away. That's usually where she runs when she disappears on weekends.

Her few possessions are at my place but that is about the extent of "home" at this point.

I have raised some of these issues with my partner and she has had an answer for everything which I have accepted up to this point, but the reality is I am unhappy, I am lonely and I cannot continue like this for much longer... . "like this" meaning, feeling so unimportant to her (because that is how I am being treated).

I am a teacher and we work a long school year, but summer break is about to start. For the past 10 years summer has been all about time together. I am filled with trepidation over what might happen this time. I don't think I can handle these extended disappearances over the course of the next six weeks. This isn't what a relationship should be.

I've posted here that there has been improvement in recent days/weeks. She has become more affectionate some days, holding my hand, we even cuddled last week for the first time in two months. But I think my problem is that when I get some "good stuff" from her, I expect things to go back to the way they were. That is just not going to happen.

I had a difficult school year especially after all of this r/s stuff started to happen. I really had a hard time functioning and my performance reflected it. My school is really big on test scores, and my 4th quarter scores were horrible. Add to this the fact that budgets are in bad shape and that I am making about 10K more than many of my colleagues... . and let's just say... . that I am ready for anything when I receive my final evaluation. I could end up losing my job very easily. So I've got a lot on my mind right now.

I want to be understanding and supportive of her but I cannot do so at the expense of my happiness and my sanity.  I am unhappy and insane most of the time right now. I just don't know what to do.

[raindancer]

Hi cult

It may be time for you to consider doing self-care to the nth degree. Take the words summer break literally and try to take a low-budget break/holiday/vacation for yourself, with yourself, by yourself, remember yourself, forgive yourself and find yourself so you can once again love yourself. As a professional, as a partner and as a caregiver you have spent a lot of time devoted to everyone but you.

I read all of your posts - I don't always comment because sometimes I really have no advice or words of wisdom to help. But I do have an idea of your story, where you're coming from.

Ever see the movie "The Way"? If anyone could use a long trek of self-healing, it's you (and I mean that in a good way) Take a few hours and watch it. And if it speaks to you, plan your own walk... .  

There is beauty and wisdom in nature that sometimes opens the door to seeing the beauty and wisdom that resides in you too (it's there, we all know it - she may not see it, and may be you no longer see it because you've started to believe the black she's painted you but it is there)

BTW - I hope your evaluation at work goes better than you expect. Cross that bridge when you get there.