Has anyone sued their BPDEX for defamation of character?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm just wondering if anybody had sued their exBPD for defamation of character and how did it work out? My ex cost me a job while I was going through the hiring process and lied to my perspective employer (human resources insisted on wanting to talk to her) and she told them that I was abusive which is absolutely ridicules and no truth to it. I would appreciate some advice or experience on this. 

[Hiloguy]

I'm just wondering if anybody had sued their exBPD for defamation of character and how did it work out? My ex cost me a job while I was going through the hiring process and lied to my perspective employer (human resources insisted on wanting to talk to her) and she told them that I was abusive which is absolutely ridicules and no truth to it. I would appreciate some advice or experience on this. 

[ForeverDad]

My ex was making repeated false allegations after we separated.  My position it was sour grapes, retaliation and/or trying to sabotage my custody and parenting efforts.  My lawyer said, "How do you prove it?  Your ex will just deny it or at least claim whatever she said was not done with malice."

On the other hand, you can't just ignore it, as you've found out.

Do you have a lawyer?  Can your lawyer send her, or her lawyer if she has one, a letter stating that ex must stop making unsubstantiated statements about you.  A lawyer would know the proper language to use.  A lawyer can do it since a lawyer is an officer of the court and a professional.  You probably shouldn't write it since you're an interested party and she could claim you were threatening.

Yes, ex still may not stop, but even if you are told there is no legal recourse, I expect you could show a copy of your lawyer's letter so as to make the point that her stories may be unsubstantiated.

By the way, was this recently?  It's about your exGF, right?  Didn't you break up nearly a year ago?  Why would prospective employer want to talk to someone you were never married to and aren't in a relationship with any more?

[Murbay]

That was the same thing I ran in to as well.

It can be really difficult when it is a pwBPD because they can't accept responsibility for their own actions. In my case, my ex contacted my T in a rage and the reason I knew about what was being said and the false allegations was because he contacted me out of fear and anger at what she was doing.

We discussed the possibility of setting the record straight but he said it would be no good. In BPD fashion, my ex projected the false allegations onto the children, particularly my step-daughter. So if I did try and pursue it, my exBPDw had complete deniability because she could claim she acted on something step-daughter said because she is such a great parent. Manipulation at it's finest.

The way I see it too is that if you engage, you doing exactly what they hoped you would do and they can turn the tables quickly to suit them if required. I think ForeverDad has given very sound advice in having it come from a lawyer instead of trying to approach it yourself.

[Hiloguy]

Thanks Murbay and Foreverdad for replying.  I do have an attorney and I plan on having a subpoena sent to the company that had talked to my exBPD and request a transcript of the conversation they had. When they talked to her this was when she was at her worst and I know in my gut that given the opportunity to sabotage this she would. I know that this wont help get me the job but I feel like I want to clear my name. Foreverdad, yes your right about the timing, it was about year ago when this all happened but I recently discovered what she did. FYI, they actually interviewed my ex from eleven years ago but im not worried about her she extremely stable and has actually has helped me with this.

[Murbay]

Without going in to too much detail. I'm really interested in knowing what kind of company interviews ex girlfriends to make a decision about your future? That seems quite backwards.

I guess clearing your name with the company wouldn't be a bad thing though I'm still shocked that an HR department would request to speak to an ex girlfriend.

[Hiloguy]

Murbay I completely agree with you, I never had come across anything like this and it was in my opinion extremely intrusive on my life. Not only did they talk to ex girlfriends, but they talked to my neighbors, they even went as far as to ask the people that I put down as references for other peoples names/numbers that know me. They also went through my FB account which I didn't care because I don't do much with that any way. It was kind strange I have to admit. The bad thing is that I went from being one of the top five (they were hiring 13 people for this position) to not even being considered and no explanation why.

[thisyoungdad]

I don't have anything to add, but I can say this exact thing has been going through my mind a lot recently. I often wonder actually about suing her BFF, who is as sick as the ex. The ex shares small pieces of info and then lets the friend take off with them and make up incredibly F-ed up stories and ideas about me. The friend barely knows me, it is all assumptions, judgements, etc. and the ex doesn't stop it. It is like the ex learned from the first divorce where she did the defamation herself, that it is better if she gets someone else to do it for her because then she can say she isn't doing it which technically she isn't. She just found another crazy person who is just looking to "rescue" someone and is doing it for her that way she really is free from responsibility. The sad part is she is using the friend and will eventually ditch her too. We have a 3 year old so just thinking about at least 15+ years of this makes me want to crawl into bed. It seriously makes my head hurt, and it makes me feel like I want to pound my head against the wall every day because it seems that would feel better. Yet there is no way to get back at her and even if I could I would never feel good about it deep down when the dust settled.