NC Mother of S4

[Patriot]

My UBPD XGF of 12 years and I have a S4.  I moved out 9 months ago.  Nothing has been done legally regarding responsibility of S4.  I will be asking legally for primary responsibility in the future.  He has been in my primary care for the biggest majority of the time.  In the last 6 months she may have seen him for a total of 10 days.  During the last 6 months she was admitted to an inpatient behavioral hospital for approximately 30 days.  I took her to the hospital after repeated threats of suicide and continued to check on her wellbeing during that time period.

My question, should I contact XGF and ask if she would like to see S4?  He has seemed to have adjusted well.  He has just recently asked about her.  He said he hasn’t been to his mother’s for a while.  I asked him how that made him feel and he said “sad”.   This is the first signs of any emotion or thoughts of her.  I have never denied her seeing him since I can’t legally.  She has had very little contact with her other kids from a previous marriage.  She is also in a new relationship, one that she had been working on prior to our split.  We live less than a mile apart.  I’m conflicted because I would like to have him see his mother but only if she is stable.  Also, any suggestions of what I can tell S4 of why he’s not seeing his mother?

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry Patriot,but good job taking care of the kiddo! Is there any way you can get him into therapy? It's sad that his mom doesnt' really care to see him.That may cause some abandonment issues in him later on.

Personally,I wouldn't worry about letting him see mom.If she doesn't have any inclination on her own,it may be better for him to just be with you.If you talk her into seeing him and she pulls away,he'll have to go through that again.Please get him into therapy if there's any way possible.

[Matt]

Your chances for primary custody might be helped if you continue to take care of S4 all the time, and document that.  Take him to the doctor for a check-up, and make sure all his needs are met, and professionals see you taking care of him.  The longer that goes on, the stronger your position will be, because courts (in the US at least) prefer to keep things the way they are, if the child is doing well.

Maybe it will be best if you invite her to spend time with him, while you are there, either in your home, or in a public place.  That way you can decide how it's going and act accordingly.

How to talk to S4 - I'm not sure if there is any easy answer.  I would suggest that you think about a very simple, truthful way to answer his questions, and don't go further than what he is asking.  If it makes him sad, you don't need to fix that - experiencing sadness and other emotions is a normal part of life.  The attempt to protect him from the truth or from feeling any unpleasant emotions will make things worse.  But you can be there for him - be his rock - so even when he feels a loss (Mom) he'll know that he is OK and is being taken care of all the time (Dad).

You don't need to tell him something that may not be true, in order to make him feel better, like "Your mom loves you a lot" or "I'm sure you'll see her soon."  If you tell him she loves him, but she doesn't come see him, that may make him confused, or he may feel worthless.  If you promise he'll see her soon, and it doesn't happen, it might hurt his trust in you.  Better to only tell him what you know, and stay with him as he deals with it in his own way.

[Patriot]

Thank you for your responses.  Of course as I predicted she showed up at 6:20 this morning (Father’s Day) at my house.  She was supposed to be at work but she was depressed and had many complaints of her life, not sure where the boyfriend is.  Of course our S4 wanted to go to her house.  I let him go for a couple of hours after I determined she was stable enough.

I have been thinking about therapy for him but he has seemed to being doing well.  His daycare and others around him see no issues but I believe I will get him therapy to get a professional opinion.  When he did say he was sad he hadn’t gone to his mother’s, I just hugged him and told him it’s ok to be sad and that I understand.  I agree that I shouldn’t give him any promises is mother cannot fulfill.  This is why I’m also hesitant on supervised visits.  I believe my son would get accustomed to it and she wouldn’t follow through.

I still wish I knew what to tell him.  I feel sad for him.  We still had a great Father’s Day.  I’m very lucky.

[Matt]

About therapy:

I'm not a professional in that field, but my understanding is that for a child that young, it's not really "psychotherapy" or even "talk-therapy", it's more "play-therapy".  There doesn't have to be a "problem" to be "solved".  The therapist's job is to help your son build his coping skills over time - a good thing for any child, especially one with a disordered parent.

No real disadvantage to therapy, except maybe the cost.

About Mom coming to your home without an invitation - a very bad thing, which can lead to lots of big problems if you don't address it.

From:  Patriot

To:  Ex

cc:  Patriot's lawyer (who should discuss this with Ex's lawyer)

Do not come to my home without being invited.

We can work out when you will spend time with S4, using e-mail to make sure the schedule is clear.

If this doesn't work, you may need to get a restraining order or "order of protection".

[Blazing Star]

Hi Patriot,

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your son!

Such a tricky age, 4, I have a daughter who is 4, she is becoming more aware of her emotions, and somewhat abstract concepts like death, loss etc. I see a T myself, who also sees children, and she is great at helping me deal with my D4. As has been said the best thing to do is validating, which it sounds like you are doing well.

It also sounds like you want to tell your son more, to help explain things. I think this is a natural instinct as a parent. I do believe in age appropriate honesty in communicating with children. I also know that at this age especially they will parrot back to others what they have been told, so I might be hesitant about what I said in case he told his mother and it triggered her.

So I think keep validating the feelings and emotions, your son will pick up that you care and are doing what you can to look after him and meet his needs to have a connection with his mother. Also a T will be able to help you with how you explain to him that his mother is ill.

Love Blazing Star

[Patriot]

Thank you, I agree with T for both us.  Any suggestions of where to begin searching for a qualified T?  I went to a T prior to the split but didn't have the confidence T was knowledgeable with this disorder.  I do think it would be great if my S4 and I could see the same person.  I'm sure there are a lot of issues I still need to deal with.

I also need to begin the legal action soon so that we don't have the suprise visits. 

[Blazing Star]

A few things that worked for me when finding a T:

- using a local psychotherapy school, getting their list of recent graduates (who are often cheaper and still closely supervised)

- having a mini interview over the phone with them, and asking how they work, what their experience and confidence is re BPD

- letting go of a T who I didn't connect with, and finding one I did

It would be fine for you to explain your situation briefly over the phone, to ask what their experience with BPD and also with children, and then go for an initial session to see how you get along.

Let us know how you go.

Love Blazing Star